self love

  • Are you falling apart, or falling together?

    The future is coming

    And maybe it’s not that everything is falling apart rather that everything is falling together… that doesn’t make it easy.

    At times it doesn’t feel fair.

    And that is life in itself.

    It’s not good or bad.

    It’s not fair or unfair.

    It just is.

    What would life be like without change?

    The same. Stagnant. Boring.

    It’s only natural that when you evolve, your life will do so too.

    The ebbs and flows, the highs and lows.

    When life falls apart, know that the future is coming… so for now enjoy the ride and know that one day you’ll look back knowing that it all fell apart to come together.

    Accepting change

    When everything is changing and falling apart it can be easy to get sucked up into it 🌊

    It feels as if you’re drowning, struggling to break the surface and grasping for air.

    It feels uncomfortable as if a new version of you is trying to emerge but not quite there. You want to break free from the skin you’re in.

    It feels like a rollercoaster of emotions where one day you’re up and the next you’re down so low.

    It’s how I’ve been feeling and many of my clients too.

    When I’m in the depths of the waters of change I bring it back to this one truth that grounds me.

    Change is a part of life.

    My ego may not like that, but it’s true.

    Who is my ego to think that change can only happen on my terms and my timeline only?

    When I check in with my soul deep down inside, I know that I’ve been in the comfort zone for too long. For wanting of everything to be easy and breezy… and that is probably when I need change the most.

    🌬 To come in and shake things up.

    To help my personal growth and expansion.

    To align with my highest self and values.

    Here’s to change – we may not like it but we need it.

    love & positivity ✨ phi

    Navigating the waters of change and desiring support and guidance? I’d love to dive deep with you through 1:1 coaching or a human design reading. Contact me for more info 🐋

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  • You are you, and that’s enough

    Remember, you are...

    I unlearn to remember…

    The essence of who I really am, wild and free.

    A child of the universe, made in the image and depth of divinity.

    Part of a collective whole, so loved and supported.

    A light that shines so bright, a light that is so pure.

    You are not your thoughts.

    You are not your emotions.

    You are not your parents.

    You are not your past.

    You are not your mistakes.

    You are not your trauma.

    You are not your bank account.

    You are not your job.

    You are…

    If you’re looking for love, you are love.

    If you’re looking for joy, you are joy.

    If you’re looking for abundance, you are abundance.

    You are, you are, you are.

    Your soul knows who you are

    When in doubt, when you’ve lost your way – reconnect to the wisest and deepest of wisdoms that has been built within you.

    Your soul is the GPS.

    Your soul knows the way.

    Your soul has been encoded with lifetimes of experience and knowledge.

    Your soul knows why you are here living, breathing and existing.

    Your soul is eternal and timeless the conscious witness of your life.

    Maybe all along the journey was never finding yourself in everything outside of you and reconnecting with everything within.

    Your soul doesn’t care about your bank account or how many likes you got.

    Your soul cares about how fulfilled you feel and whether you are living in alignment with your values.

    Your soul doesn’t care about what you do for a living.

    Your soul cares whether you are are truly living, if you are really alive x

    Your soul doesn’t care what you look like or what shape your body is.

    Your soul cares whether you are taking care of yourself and in love with everything that truly matters within.

    Remember, remember, remember 🧡

    love & positivity ✨ phi

    👁 ready to reconnect and expand with your soul? To live a life that lights up your soul? Let’s work together through 1:1 coaching or a human design reading 💫

    Click here to read more

  • Can you walk away from what doesn’t serve you?

    The exercise of self love

    Honouring your inner truth is painful.

    It’s the ultimate exercise of self love.

    It means walking away from what no longer serves you.

    Maybe it’s a job, relationship or location. 

    It’s breaking free from what boxes you in – the pressure of society, the weight of what other people think, your own belief that you need to be a certain way and do a certain thing.

    When everything falls away and crumbles, one thing will always remain: the truth.

    It cannot be ignored. 

    You can live in ignorance but the truth won’t.

    You cannot heal from what you do not reveal.

    You cannot heal from what you will not feel.

    Your inner truth is always present

    There comes a time in life when the little niggles turn into big pulls.

    It starts as a whisper and turns into aching and shouting.

    When you try to resist but it will continually persist.

    When it no longer becomes manageable and turns to being intolerable.

    Your inner truth is always present and listening.

    My tips for connecting with your inner truth:

    1️⃣ Do something about it! Staying stuck and doing the same thing over and over won’t break you free. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and thinking the same thing over and over again hoping it will change… what if you listened to your inner truth 👂🏼

    2️⃣ Free writing. Let the words flow to the paper without thinking and your inner truth will be revealed. ✍️ Not a writer? Try a mind map, collage or create art instead 🦋

    3️⃣ Express yo self 🎤 don’t refine it, done pretty it – let it all out in a way that resonates with you. For me it’s all about being in the body.

    Cheering you and your truth on 💥

    love & positivity ✨ phi

    P.S – If you’re feeling that soul pull to up level in every area of your life… 1:1 coaching is the key 🔑 for the soul who is all in, ready for expansion and to quantum leap and go BIG! 🚀

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  • The beauty in slow growth

    Slow growth is still growth...

    Beautiful soul, I hope you remember the beauty in slow growth.

    I hope you know it’s okay to grow slowly.

    In the way that the sea erodes the rocks to make way for majestic cliffs.

    In the way that a drop in the ocean becomes tidal waves.

    In the way that a caterpillar slows down into its cocoon to emerge a beautiful butterfly.

    In the way a seedling becomes a mighty tree and in turn a grand forest.

    In the way that you are changing and growing.

    Slow growth is still growth.

    And how to celebrate it

    Our hearts are heavy as we watch others get everything instantly that we so desire… I’ve seen this in myself and I work through this with my clients.

    Can we take a moment to celebrate slow growth in a society obsessed with instant results and quantum leaps?

    Can we celebrate the business owner who has been at it for 10 years to finally crack a profit?

    Can we celebrate the Olympian who has trained for 15 years just to have a chance at the medal?

    Can we celebrate the wine that has been maturing in the cellar to be ready for a grand celebration in time?

    Can we celebrate the person that has taken 3 years to get over their addiction?

    Slow is nice too.

    I love a hot and heavy moment don’t get me wrong but I also love a tender, gentle build up filled with tension and longing… 😉

    Grow slowly. Grow quickly.

    Grow 🌱

    love & positivity ✨ phi

    Ready for your growth?

    Mindset led growth. Energy led growth. Self love led growth. Purpose led growth.

    I would love to help you through 1:1 coaching or a human design reading.

    Click here to read more

  • Flowers will bloom…

    Flowers will bloom...

    Even the darkest of nights end when the sun rises.
    The biggest of waves will surrender and subside.
    The moon will kiss the sun and see the light of day.
    Raindrops will kiss the barren earth.
    Gardens will sprout from your broken bones.
    Galaxies will emerge from the emptiness that haunts you.
    Love will pour into the cracks of your soul and mend your open wounds.
    Stars will sparkle in the shadows of your soul.
    Flowers will bloom in the darkest crevices of your mind.

    Here's to you, in all your glory

    Darkness, death, destruction, despair are the fertile soil for rebirth. To make space for you to grow and bloom.

    I honestly think this is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever written, it touches my heart and soul so deeply and came through at a time when I was navigating a lot of pain and uncertainly personally last month.

    It felt like the light would never appear and I was stuck in an abyss of dread. It was the void and vortex.

    The dark night of the soul. It was the aching for glimmers of hope, reprise and relief.

    I hope these words of the temporary nature of pain and the beauty that will inevitably emerge — the energetic codes embedded within, plant seeds of love and hope in your heart 🌱

    When we are in the midst of tremendous pain, suffering and change it can be easy to forget the light. We are surrounded by so much darkness that we simply forget …about the light that always exists within ✨

    What you think as the unbearable, the unlovable, the hideous, the ugly, the shadow parts of who you are… are truly lovely.

    From these places when we allow ourselves to be fully seen, to be fully whole and fully present with these aspects of ourselves emerges our true selves… fortified and strengthened with resilience.

    It is from my personal experience of great suffering and agony that new life emerges so much brighter and brilliant that I could ever fathom…

    Your pain and loss may be a map to someone else’s freedom tomorrow (certainly is for me as a life coach going through it all so that I can help, support and guide the clients I work with).

    Your pain and loss is a reminder that you are truly alive. Of your ever dynamic evolving soul and self. Of your ability to weather the storms. Of your ability to survive and in turn thrive.

    Here’s to you beautiful soul, in all your glory darkness and shadow, light and love.

    love & positivity ✨ phi

    Ready to tap into your inner light? To face your darkness and fears? To turn your pain and suffering into beauty, wisdom and an uplevel in your life?

    I would love to help you through 1:1 coaching or a human design reading.

    Click here to read more

  • It’s in suffering we surrender…

    On suffering...

    Bless the teachings that come to you through suffering.

    Bless the love that came to you through suffering.

    Bless the growth that came to you through suffering.

    It’s in suffering we surrender. Suffering is the tides of misery.

    Suffering at times wages an invisible war.

    It’s in suffering our heart is cracked open to bleed, a raging river of fierce fire.

    The suffering aches, it yearns, it ravishes.

    Suffering is an initiation. An activation.

    Suffering can be exquisite. Suffering can spark new life.

    It’s through hell we find heaven.

    On stepping into your power.

    Suffering can be helpful, hear me out 🌊

    Suffering causes us to really evaluate what’s going on.

    To follow the brave call of what our heart and soul is yearning for.

    Suffering is an ACTIVATION 🧨

    There are times we ignore what we know deep down inside and suffering won’t stand for that.

    Suffering demands attention.

    Suffering demands action.

    How can you let your suffering be a portal of activation? 💥

    To move you?

    There have been times in my life where I hit rock bottom and thought that was it.

    Yet I continued to suffer because I was so seduced by the creation of my suffering.

    I refused to let go of the narratives that created my suffering and so that pain of it all continued.

    What I needed is to use my suffering as a means to finding a solution.

    And that is where the magic begins 🪄

    Stepping into your power.

    Leading yourself out of the darkness.

    Your darkness and suffering isn’t something to be afraid of.

    It’s the medicine that will bring you home to yourself… if you let it.

    love & positivity ✨ phi

    Ready to face your fears, your shadows, the grit that you’re afraid of? I would love to help you through 1:1 coaching or a human design reading.

    Click here to read more

  • The future is coming

    On falling together

    And maybe it’s not that everything is falling apart rather than everything is falling together… that doesn’t make it easy.

    At times it doesn’t feel fair. And that is life in itself.

    It’s not good or bad. It’s not fair or unfair. It just is. What would life be without change?

    The same. Stagnant. Boring. 

    It’s only natural that when you evolve, your life will do so too.

    The ebbs and flows, the highs and lows.

    When life falls apart, know that the future is coming… so for now enjoy the ride and know that one day you’ll look back knowing that it all fell apart to come together.

    Here's to change

    When everything is changing and falling apart it can be easy to get sucked up into it.

    It feels as if you’re drowning, struggling to break the surface and grasping for air.

    It feels uncomfortable as if a new version of you is trying to emerge but not quite there. You want to break free from the skin you’re in.

    It feels like a rollercoaster of emotions where one day you’re up and the next you’re down so low.

    It’s how I’ve been feeling and many of my clients too.

    When I”m in the depths of the waters of change I bring it back to this one truth that grounds me.

    Change is a part of life.

    My ego may not like that, but it’s true.

    Who is my ego to think that change can only happen on my terms and my timeline only?

    When I check in with my soul deep down inside, I know that I’ve been in the comfort zone for too long. For wanting of everything to be easy and breezy… and that is probably when I need change the most.

    To come in and shake things up.

    To help my personal growth and expansion.

    To align with my highest self and values.

    Here’s to change – we may not like it, but we need it.

    love & positivity – phi

    Ready to embrace change to the fullest? To change with support and guidance with me along your side? I would love to help you through 1:1 coaching or a human design reading.

     

    Click here to read more

  • 14: How To Make Self Love A Priority

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    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 14: How To Make Self Love A Priority

    This is this second part of four of the brand new L💘VE SERIES. This episode is all about practical tips on how to make self love a priority in your life all day, every day. Everything from priorities to boundaries, you don’t want to miss this episode.

     

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • Why self love is hard 
    • How to make self love a priority in your life
    • Phi’s personal blocks to self love that involve a past relationship 
    • Making time for yourself is important 
    • What happens you don’t love yourself
    • Boundaries
    • Listening to your intuition 
    • Honesty & Authenticity 

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    If you don’t make yourself your own priority who will? It’s not your family, friends or partners job. They don’t live just for you. 


    Phi Dang

    Boundaries are an act of self love and function of self respect.

    Phi Dang

    The most successful people in the world have a team of helpers.



    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 14: How To Make Self Love A Priority

    You are listening to Episode 14 of the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: The Mindset of Love

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 14 – How To Make Self Love A Priority Begins]

    Hi Beautiful Soul! 

    Welcome to the second podcast of the L💘VE SERIES.

     It’s almost Valentine’s Day and love is in the air. I actually attended my cousin’s wedding over the weekend, it was so much fun and moved me to tears to see the love between A&C. Congratulations fam! 

    Love is in the air for my clients

    Love is also in the air for my clients! I recently spoke to one of my old clients, who I worked with to help him move forward from past relationships including a divorce holding him back. We worked on his self love and particularly his boundaries which led to him getting back on the dating scene sooner rather than later. He was ready, he was just scared – as we all would be.

    He is now in the early stages of dating someone who isn’t his usual type which I love because I recall us working together on love manifestation and scripting – to see it come to life is so wonderful. 

    Another beautiful soul who just invested in herself through 1:1 coaching has attracted a beautiful man in her life who shares her values of spirituality – it’s early days but the energy is so good and seeing her smile makes me so happy! 

    It’s so funny how the universe works, it can see you working on yourself, investing in yourself and you just become a magnet for abundance and everything you want. It’s not surprise as you are vibrating on higher frequency. I LOVE IT! These are a few of the love stories unfolding and for my other clients it’s all about self love! This ties in nicely.

    With the Love Series, we kicked it off last week with your love mindset and now we are talking about self love.

    You don't learn about self love when you are younger

    From a young age we are taught to give and extend love toward others. 

    Be kind to your siblings and friends, share your toys and treats but we are never really taught to do the same thing for ourselves.

    This episode is all about how to make self love a priority, how to make self love your priority. 

    Identify your blocks to self love

    So many of us go around listening to the self talk in our heads without ever questioning it. We run with it as if it is the truth. Your thoughts are not facts. To prioritise self love is to figure out what is blocking you from loving yourself.

    This is something I do regularly with my clients, as a life coach having an objective party to listen and support you is something so important.

    Regular block to self love that I see are taking on other people’s labels of you e.g. you are selfish or you are ugly, the past – basing your lovability on how someone has treated you whether that’s your family or past relationships and our up bringing – A time that usually stands out for most people is during high school being surrounded by other kids and the way they treat us.

    Phi's personal example of a block to self love

    I’ll share my personal example with love. Growing up as an only child, I really craved a lot of love and attention. As mentioned the beginning of the podcast not many of us are taught we need to give it to ourselves and it makes sense at a young age it’s hard to grasp and comprehend this concept. So to that I always looked for love outside of myself and I felt that I had to perform to get this love.

    I had to look nice to get compliments or do really well in my studies to get praise. It wasn’t until my first relationship a high school sweetheart that I realised the way I was through his feedback. He used to tell me I was so selfish and I carried that baggage for a long time. I took it as a fact and went onto date people where my boundaries would slip and slide – I was too scared to have my own wants and needs because I was ‘selfish’.

    Now I know that it wasn’t on me to meet his needs and wants because the only person who is responsible for that is you. He expected me to make him happy, to cheer him up when he was sad and to always think of him before me.

    If anyone says that its your responsibility to make them happy, to help them get out of debt, to boost their career whatever the answer is no. It’s on us as self reliant adults to do the work! I came to this place after doing my own personal development and working with mentors such as a life coach. So this leads me into my first point on how to make self love your priority…

    Personal Development always

    Most of us may finish school or university and then we stop working on ourselves. Always strive to keep learning and growing as what this podcast is all about ‘don’t just go through life, grow through it’. It usually takes a huge life event for us to pause and reflect. A death. A break up. A break down. Imagine we took the time to check in with ourselves daily. We would know ourselves much better.

    There are so many ways to work on your self growth and development.

    The fact that you are listening to this podcast is one so kudos to you – well done beautiful soul!

    Podcasts are a great way to soak in knowledge and can easily be done on the go.

    Reflecting is also key and I love doing that through daily journaling.

    There's only so much free stuff you can consume...

    As I’ve said before there is a limit to the free stuff you consume whether it’s podcasts, Instagram posts, YouTube videos and books. If you’re serious about working on yourself and investing in yourself DM me on Instagram as I would love to chat about 1:1 coaching.

    Some of my clients literally come to me saying I’ve watched all the videos and I still feel stuck and the same, the reason is because it’s generalised advice. I offer general tips and strategies here through my podcast and on Instagram but it’s through my 1:1 coaching I get to you know you personally and your life experiences so that I can help you get out of your own way, to identify your limiting self believes and crush them so you can become clear and confident so that no matter what happens in your life, you know you will be able to handle it! 2021 is the year to make it happen, so stop waiting and listen to the pull you feel inside – you won’t regret it.

    You O' Clock

    I coined this term because it’s something I believe in passionately. We live such crazy lives, we have so much going on. Your morning sets your tone. Most of us before we even roll out of bed, reach for our phones and scroll. Perhaps scrolling through your work emails to make sure you didn’t miss anything or getting your fix of social media. Maybe you have to do something for your kids or partner.

    The best thing to do to start your day is have ‘you o clock’ whether it’s 5 minutes or an hour to yourself. You make time for yourself before anyone else. That way you won’t be resentful to anything else because you own yourself and you start the day for yourself. Some days for me this looks like waking up early, watching the sun rise and going for a swim. Other days it’s simply getting up and spending 2 minutes gently stretching.

    Be Your Own Priority - Have 'Me' Time

    Now time for yourself is not just for the start of the day. It’s an everyday thing and not just one moment. If you don’t make yourself your own priority who will? It’s not your family, friends or partners job. They don’t live just for you.

    When we don’t make time for ourselves we become sloppy and feel sorry for ourselves.

    We burn out from the stress of our lives. We eat too much. We drink too much. We don’t exercise. We don’t work on ourselves at all mentally, physically or emotionally.

    To make self love a priority in your life is to make time for yourself.

    Your ‘me’ time is just like any other important meeting whether it’s a doctor’s appointment or a dinner date. It’s solid time blocked off just for you and to ensure your mind rewires to understand how important your me time is – block out time in your calendar, make it in your calendar with a reminder and make sure you see it on the to do list.

    I love to make ‘me’ time super indulgent in the sense I don’t think about anyone else and I can go into my own world. Some nights maybe I’ll have a block of chocolate and really savour the flavour and other times I treat myself to Uber Eats and a wine. I love to have ‘me’ time after working so I can have some downtime and feel good to prevent burn out which as happened to me a few times before.

    Shed the guilt!

    I will say it again! There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and putting yourself first. Don’t forget that putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it is necessary.

    Don’t feel guilty. Life can be a rollercoaster of emotions and the last thing you need is to make yourself feel worse by guilting yourself. It isn’t necessary! Why do we take better care of others but not ourselves?

    Put on your own life vest and air supply before you help the people around you. Your health and wellbeing doesn’t come at the expense of others. You aren’t required to help others at the expense of yourself.

    Guilt free living is truly being comfortable with yourself and living in acceptance. Acceptance of who you are and where you are in life. You can only control certain things, you can’t control everything. It is to be at peace with your decisions and being in the present moment. Anything that costs your inner peace including guilt is too expensive. 

    Ensure you have solid boundaries

    Boundaries are an act of self love and function of self respect. Boundaries exist to respect yourself, they aren’t there to hurt or offend other people. If something doesn’t feel right, our to alignment or wrong it’s an alert and warning to your boundaries. Pay attention to your boundaries, don’t override them and dismiss them. Boundaries are trusting your gut and soul over your fears and triggers.

    Boundaries are where we draw the line when it comes to acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in regards to how people behave around you and treat you.

    Having boundaries are non negotiable, you enforce boundaries consistently to show what you will and will not put up with. Even if this means losing someone in your life no matter how much your heart and libidio want otherwise.

     

    Figure out your boundaries and put those babies up!

    Struggling with boundaries?

    Without boundaries you will likely have a low self esteem, feel drained, feel heartbroken and disappointed with yourself.

    If you’re having trouble don’t be too hard on yourself, we aren’t born with boundaries, we learn to develop them initially through the caregivers in our lives like our parents and as adults we learn to fully develop our own boundaries and set them.

    If you’re struggling I feel you, I used to as well as my clients. I would love to help you, send me a DM on Instagram and let’s chat about working out what your boundaries are, the problems popping up and chat about 1:1 coaching.

    Listen to your intuition

    As a life coach I am the first to be like watch your thoughts and do the thought work.

    However it is also so important to tune in with your heart, your soul, your body.

    Often that inner voice of yours will reside in your heart or in your stomach.

    It’s been something I have been working on with clients to strengthen that inner voice who will always have your best interests at heart. The inner voice as been a part of sessions to help a client with business decisions, relationships and when a client feels lost and unsure which direction to go in.

    We are guilty of ignoring gut feelings (which are guardian angels of your intuition, your inner voice) or we push the limits when we are exhausted leading to a lack of sleep, headaches or maybe overdoing it at the gym. This is very much tied into my previous point on ensuring you have boundaries.

    We live in a society that values the head but has forgotten about the heart, I think it is a balance of both. If you stop listening to your intuition it’s strength fades, although never disappears. It’s such an important muscle to build and tune into it for it is your biggest ally.

    Ask for help when you need it

    You are not weak for needing help, in fact you are so strong for doing so.

    The most successful people in the world have a team of helpers.

    I think about celebrities. It takes a team of people to help them to where they are and to look so flawless all the time.

    Someone to help do their makeup.

    Someone to help book their jobs.

    Someone to help raise their children.

    Someone to do their hair.

    Someone to do their makeup.

    It goes on and applies in the business world.

    Someone to do their expenses.

    Someone to book their appointments.

    Someone to reply to emails.

    Someone to research potential clients.

    Someone to sell.

    Success happens with help. Even the most successful people turn to life coaches, psychologists and mentors. Who is in your team of help?

    Be honest with yourself

    Acknowledge when you are at your limits.

    Acknowledge when you are struggling with something.

    Acknowledge when you are hiding behind the same stories and limiting beliefs.

    Sometimes we get so used to labelling ourselves a certain way we fail to realise the label we attach to ourselves is not even true.

    Honesty goes a long way with the self especially self trust.

    At times we are dishonest to protect ourselves but in the end it will suppress and stifle who you truly are at the cost of self denial which leads to shame, a toxic place.

    When we truly deeply and unconditionally love ourselves we are living with true authenticity. We are free from deceit and secrecy. We live with soul, with compassion, we are whole.

    Start with being honest to yourself in your head and heart. Seek to do shadow work which can be confronting. Seek to work on your wounds and trauma. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 14: How To Make Self Love A Priority Close

    Those are some of my tips on how to make self love a priority for yourself. As I’ve said throughout this episode self love doesn’t come naturally. If you are looking to learn how to love yourself truly, not just say it or assume that a self care sunday makes you love yourself then please get in touch and let’s chat. I would love to help you.

    I will chat to you again next Tuesday beautiful, for the third part of the love series focusing on the energetics of love and self love. Love and positivity.

    I’ve helped clients heal from heartbreak, move on from ex’s, during the dating progress providing support along the way (if you didn’t know, my 1:1 clients also get text support from me between sessions which is so valuable being able to ask me anything from how do I reply to this text message or how do I work on my feelings of jealousy and insecurity). 

    I’ve even had clients call in love through new relationships. So if you’re hearing the call for coaching, please get in touch and let’s make 2021 your biggest year yet for love.

    Next week’s episode will be about self love and I’m really excited to speak to that! 

    Speak to you next Tuesday beautiful soul. Love and Positivity.

    [Episode 14 – How To Make Self Love A Priority Outro]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

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  • 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide

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    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide

    This episode covers everything you need to know about the chaos and anxiety that can be Christmas. This episode provides practical tips and strategies to cope and have a calm Christmas. It covers everything from expectations, feeling distant from people, not physically being with your family and crazy families.

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • Expectations, what is reasonable and what is not
    • Worrying about Christmas and the future doesn’t usually help – how to make it so!
    • Set yourself up for a calm and drama free Christmas
    • The best things you can do to survive Christmas hint: prepare
    • Surviving family time together 
    • Coping mechanisms for Christmas
    • Feeling distant from family and loved ones
    • Not feeling good enough during Christmas
    • Difficult feelings that arise during Christmas
    • Being physically distant from family
    • Loss of family and Christmas
    • Crazy families

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide, Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 7: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide.

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Begins]

    Hi beautiful souls, can you believe it’s almost Christmas!? What a year it has been, we’ve had so much happen and here we are almost at the end of 2020. Thinking about Christmas, it brings so much joy to many people but for some it can also bring anxiety and sadness.

    For me it’s mixed. My dad passed away close to Christmas 7 years ago, so I often feel sad as I miss him and reflect upon that. In fact it was a few days ago and I have just come back from a weekend away. It was so nice to disconnect from everyday routine and social media in order to reconnect with myself.

    In honour of this experience and loss, I wanted to speak about the Christmas Holiday season which brings mixed feelings for many. The end of the year and time off work often gives us time to reflect as well which can bring up all sorts of feelings.

    Before I dive into it I want to give so much appreciation to you listening to this, so much love and positivity. If you are loving the podcast, please rate the podcast 5 stars and leave a review – it would help so much to spread the message on mindset, self love, energy, purpose and mental health. Huge shout out to Ash who said “I wish I had this podcast when I was younger!” – thank you so much Ash. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you can start at any time, at any age to change your life. 

    Now let’s told holiday season. When I asked about struggles with the holiday season on my Instagram, there were 4 things that came up that I am going to speak about today: Expectations, Feeling detached from friends and family in combination with not feeling like you are enough, not being with your whole family and crazy families.

    All of this sounds like stress, sadness and mental breakdowns. Fear not though, I’ve got you.
    I’m about to provide you with some practical tips and tools to get through these struggles to create a drama free holiday season that is easy and smooth.

    Let’s dive into it.

    Expectations

    It’s funny, the Christmas holiday period we all have this expectation that during this time it will be happy and merry and all problems will disappear. If only, this is life and this is reality, these days are just like any other except for the emphasis and expectations we put on it.

    Something that is discussed at The Life Coach School is that many of us aren’t aware that we have a manual that we have created based on our beliefs, experiences and upbringing. It’s a set of rules that we think everyone needs to abide by and how they should behave.

    Examples of this are:

    • My partner needs to buy me a Christmas present and they should know what I want 
    • My family must be kind and loving to me during Christmas no matter what
    • My friends must spend at least $100 on my Christmas present

    It’s interesting because we think these things but often we never actually express these expectations or thoughts to the people around us. 

    These manuals are so evident in our head, yet we never share. How can we expect someone to behave accordingly if they don’t know your expectation? If you don’t communicate your expectation, you are setting yourself and others up for failure.

    So what can we learn from this?

    Communicate clearly. Tell someone what you would like and explain why. Often when our needs aren’t met we will resent someone yet we don’t even tell them.

    People cannot mind read. 

    People act out of their own will and freedom. 

    Trust the person that if they love and care about you, they will be open to listening to what you want and then it’s up to them if they want to meet your need or not. Simple but we complicate things by not communicating clearly and keeping expectations in our head.

    Let’s also emphasise the clear part of communicate clearly. I think many of us are guilty for dropping hints or thinking someone is absorbing every little thing we say or do – not really. 

    Say it clearly so the person knows exactly what you want. You don’t have to feel weird, awkward, selfish or embarrassed. By doing this you are communicating clearly so that there aren’t mixed signals or hints that go missed because that would result in you getting upset and them dealing with the consequences of that. So really by doing this you are helping yourself and them.

    So when we have expectations, when we have our manual, we have to remember that the only person who can meet our needs that is in our control is ourselves. 

    We cannot control other people. As I mentioned before everyone acts out of their own will and freedom, I want that, you want that, so no one wants that taken away from them. Think about how hard it is for you to control and change yourself let alone someone else. We can’t expect others to do something we would not.

    Expectations on feelings

    Another expectation that pops up during Christmas holidays is the expectation of feeling. Feeling merry. Feeling jolly. Feeling generous. We are attached to the expectation of happy and celebration.

    I want you to remember that we aren’t meant to be happy all the time, in fact you don’t have to be happy all the time! Just because it’s Christmas it doesn’t mean you suddenly have to be happy just like any other time of the year. There’s no magic switch that says on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day everyone in the world will be happy and get along. Life doesn’t work life that, we are human! 

    If you are going to have expectations make sure they are reasonable and realistic – don’t go into the holidays with blinkers on, thinking it will be joyful and merry. If you go in expecting a few challenges may pop up you will feel better because when they happen they aren’t out of the blue. Be in acceptance, it’s when we resist we cause ourselves pain and heartache.

    In fact why not use it to your advantage? If you are expecting certain things will happen, use it to your advantage and be prepared ahead of time. 

    You get anxious about future feelings, feelings you don’t want to feel like being annoyed or upset. 

    How are these feelings created? Your thoughts.

    By worrying or being anxious about the future, you feel like you’re in control but you’re not. No worrying or anxiety about it will change it. Only your deliberate thoughts will.

    Expectations Scenario on Christmas - Comments on Weight

    Let’s use this scenario, I have an Aunt who often says to me that I’m looking chubby and I could lose a bit of weight. If I accepted what she says and take that on board, I feel terrible. I feel guilty that I’ve eaten a lot and in fact ashamed. This is a result of accepting her thought and running with it.

    Instead I choose to accept the thought because it’s her free will but I am not running with it.

    My aunt can can say what she wants, as ridiculous as it is, even if it’s not true and that’s okay. 

    When the moment happens I prepare myself. 

    I am expecting her to say that she think’s I’m chubby and that I need to lose weight and so instead of thinking yes she’s right and feeling ashamed, I’m going to to decide ahead of time to think: okay, she wants to say that, and that’s okay. Maybe it’s because when she was growing up people used to talk about her weight all the time and she’s super conscious of it mostly in herself. As a result that reflects in her view of others around her such as me. 

    With all this, I am going to make the decisions not to take her thought on board as my thought though. 

    If I believe what she says I am going to feel upset and ashamed. 

    Hence think-ception occurs. 

    I know what to think ahead of time that it’s a reflection of her upbringing and experiences and I don’t have to accept the thought. As a result I don’t feel upset and ashamed. If anything I feel compassion for her that would be a hard experience being ridiculed for your weight and in turn judging others upon your thoughts about weight.

    Instead of feeling upset and ashamed if I ran with her thoughts, I am to decide to embody and feel so much love and appreciation for my body as it is right now based on my thoughts.

    You can apply this principle to any feelings in life, not just holiday Christmas ones. It’s a useful tool to have, prepare your thoughts, prepare your feelings and prepare your results. 

    Feeling detached from friends and family, and not feeling good enough

    The holidays can be so hard when you don’t feel close to your family and friends. Being around them and talking about your lives, the year that’s been and what you are up to can be anxiety inducing. If you don’t feel enough, that will come up through these conversations.

    I want you to remember that no one can make you feel anything. I’ve said this time and time again that your thoughts create your feelings and in turn your actions or inaction leading to your results. If you are feeling detached or not enough it’s because you are thinking thoughts to make you feel that way.

    What thoughts can you have instead that make you feel more connection with the people you are around? If you think thoughts such as it is possible to find a connection than that will influence your actions. Perhaps you will get more involved in festivities or make more effort to strike a conversation with someone.

    Perhaps your thoughts lead you to define Christmas and the holiday season. What does it mean for you? Connection exists beyond the family and friends we spend time with. Do you want to contribute to the holiday season in a different way by perhaps volunteering? Or connecting with individuals online too? What meaning can you make of Christmas? 

    For some it may not even be about connection, it may be simply rest, for others it’s taking time for themselves or perhaps it’s about generosity and helping others in need.

    Further to that, the end of the year is always a time of reflection but I want you to know you are enough as you are. Right now. You don’t have to do anything to be enough. You are already enough as you are, you are a part of this amazing world, you are here living and breathing. You are enough. 

    You get to decide you are enough. You can decide right now you are enough. Being enough is self belief, you determine that no one else but you. Think about this sentence, “If I believed I were enough, I would ______”.

    I bet so much came up for you right? Start believing it! The only person who has the power to make you feel that you are enough is you, no one else! 

    The secret to being enough isn’t that you have to do something, to achieve something or to be a certain way truly it’s believing you are enough.

    Not being physically with your family during Christmas

    With the virus, it’s to be expected certain friends and family may not be around due to circumstances out of our control. Think about what is in your control? Your thoughts.

    Turning to gratitude is always a saving grace. What can you be thankful for such as the family and friend who you are able to be there with physically. Can you be thankful that if they are alive, at least they are although it’s sad they can’t be there with you? If they aren’t here, can you be grateful for the memories you did share together? 

    Can you do something in honour of people who are not present this year? My family put up a framed photo of my dad and leave him a plate of food.

    Alternatively is there a way to connect with them without them physically being there whether that’s a phone call or through a video chat? Whilst these will never replace being physically there, it does help with missing them.

    Be compassionate with yourself, it’s normal to miss people when we can’t be with them. What’s important is to be present and appreciative of the people that you can be with. After all some may be lonely out there without friends and family others grieving the loss of loved ones this year. 

    When it comes to loss, a holiday can sure amplify those feelings of loss or missing. Be sure to take care of yourself. To make time for yourself. I find journaling really helps to release your thoughts and feelings out of your head and body.

    Dealing with crazy families

    I think we can all attest to the fact we all have unique and different families. Families are made up different personalities and there’s always bound to be someone you deem crazy or hard to get along with.

    The first point of call on this topic is to remember that you can only control yourself, your own behaviour and thoughts. You can’t control anyone else. Even what you think is reasonable may not reasonable for them just like their thoughts of reasonable may not be for you.

    Most of the time, it’s only once a year you have to encounter these family members, so in the grand scheme of life that’s not too bad right? Can you be empathetic towards them, perhaps why they are acting the way they are? Can you tolerate it for one or two days of the year? 1 out of 365 thats such a tiny fraction of a percentage of your whole year.

    Another thing to note. When it comes to ‘crazy’ families its important to remember you don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like you. 

    If you don’t like everyone, why do you expect everyone should like you? 

    There is no rule that says you have to like your family. If you think it is, you are operating from your manual, your rule book. Connection is multifaceted. You may not like someone yet still love them or you may not like someone and not love someone. That’s okay!

    Another tip for crazy families is to go into the situation prepared going back to what I spoke about earlier in the podcast about expectations. Accept that the day may not go perfectly and that’s okay. Accept that there may be tension or awkwardness. Be prepared with a coping mechanism, whether that’s taking a walk if someone annoys you or taking 5 deep breaths before responding as examples.

    Additionally I think it’s important to note that whatever people say or do is a reflection of their world. It hasn’t got anything to do with you. It’s a reflection of their mind, their world, their manual. 

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide close

    Thank you for listening beautiful soul, I hope you found some useful insights for your Christmas Holiday. Merry Christmas and I hope you have a wonderful time.

    If you’re anticipating struggling with Christmas or many emotions being evoked post Christmas, let’s chat because I’m here to support. We can discuss your individual scenario to have you better prepared for Christmas and post Christmas. I have limited 1:1 coaching spots still available, so please get in touch if you are interested. You are not alone and I can help you.

    That’s it for this episode beautiful souls, I’ll chat to you next week for the last episode for the year where we will reflect on 2020! 

    [Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

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  • 06: Forgiveness

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    Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS

    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness

    This episode covers everything you need to know about forgiveness. What truly is forgiveness, how to forgive using one powerful and free tool you already have, whether anything and everything is forgivable, how to forgive yourself and conundrums and quarrels that come up when forgiving.  

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • What truly is forgiveness
    • Misconceptions about forgiveness
    • How to forgive through practical tools and strategies
    • The magic question to ask yourself why it’s difficult for you to forgive
    • Why forgiving is important 
    • Practical example on forgiving (cheating in relationships and dating)
    • Is everything and anything forgivable? 
    • Conundrums and quarrels when forgiving
    • Why forgiveness might not even be a thing!

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    When you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful.

    Phi Dang

    Right now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.

    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness, Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 6: Forgiveness

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Begins]

    Hello hello beautiful soul, so happy you’re here! Another week, another new episode. How are you all feeling as it gets closer to Christmas? How fast has the year flown!? What a year it has been.

    Today’s episode is all about forgiveness. Thank you to Bee who submitted his thoughts on what he wanted to see on the podcast on my instagram – if you too have something you’d love for me to speak about please get in touch via my DMs or on my website. 

    If you didn’t know I had an Instagram – yes I do, I share on my instagram daily inspiration and motivation to live your best life and a behind the scenes of my coaching – juicy insights from sessions with my clients and of course the amazing results my clients have.

    I always get so excited to share this at it shows you what you can achieve when you work on yourself and when you invest in yourself.

     

    What are the wins my clients have been having lately?

    One of my clients absolutely aced her internship and was offered a job role after it! The real clincher? Her supervisors said what made her stand out was her mindset. Boom!

    Another one of my clients has let go of a relationship despite her fears and past coming out. We really worked through past trauma from previous relationships that showed up.

    Another client is a stunning model using her online platform after being bullied to help others and speak out against bullying – which is not okay at all.

    Another beautiful soul is moving past her fears of being judged and imposter syndrome to showing up on her Instagram community of 80,000 and building her business empire.

    So, so magical. I am so proud of them, there are many more wins but I could talk for a whole episode on that. If you’re interested in coaching, let’s chat as I would love to be here someday soon speaking about your wins!

    Segway into forgiveness

    So back to forgiveness, Bee said that he wanted to know more about forgiveness that allows for growth but is stunned by conundrums or quarrels with friends, family and strangers.

    So let’s dive into forgiveness. It’s a big topic. I want to flag in no way is forgiveness easy but it’s an important mental muscle to work on for your emotional health and wellbeing – more on that later in the podcast.

    What is forgiveness?

    There are many definitions but out of reading and researching several definitions, the main common thread between definitions is that forgiveness is a voluntary and internal process of letting go of negative feelings such as anger, resentment and bitterness and in turn the potential desire for revenge.

    Let’s break it down: voluntary – you have to decide, no one else can for you and the internal process of letting go – yes you have to use your thoughts to get to the destination: letting go.

    It’s a process – again it won’t just suddenly happen, you have to work through your thoughts and in turn your feelings to get there. Forgiveness is a journey to which you commit to.

    Forgiveness is actually quite stealthy. Forgiveness happens when you’re sleeping, when you’re brushing your teeth, when you’re journaling, when you’re making a cup of tea, when you’re making lunch, when you’re working… it’s happening not only on a conscious level but on a subconscious level too.

    Forgiveness isn’t easy or instant, like taking a pill or pushing a button. In fact forgiveness is like pushing a boulder up a hill – it will take work and it’s going to be hard. As Robert Muller says “Only the brave know how to forgive. A coward never forgives. It’s not in his nature.”

    Addressing the potential desire for revenge: your thoughts create your feelings so when you work on letting go of these negative feelings, the actions you wanted to take previously also change.

    That’s it. Simple but our brains make forgiveness complicated.

    Forgiveness is just as our earlier definition – a voluntary internals process of letting go of negative feelings. That’s all it is.

    Misconceptions about forgiveness

    Forgiveness doesn’t mean anything else but our brains create thought stories that say otherwise.

    • Forgiveness does not mean you forget what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not justify what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not mean you accept or condone what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not excuse the harm done.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that they were right and you were wrong.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that you trust them again.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that they are good person.
    • Forgiveness does not restore your full faith and trust in that person.
    • Forgiveness does not mean reconciling.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that person will still be in your life.

    All this other stuff is thoughts you are creating, stories you are creating.

    Summing it up forgiveness is for YOU, no one else by you, As Louis B Smedes say “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

    So how is forgiveness created?

    It’s all through your thoughts because your thoughts create your reality. They impact how you feel and in turn what actions you take or do not take that lead to a result.

    When you are in a position to be either thinking about forgiving someone, wanting to forgive someone or not forgiving someone you are in a state of negative thoughts and feelings right? Because if you weren’t feeling negative, you wouldn’t need to forgive someone.

    When it comes to other humans things are bound to be emotional as we are emotional beings. For example if you trip over a rock, you wouldn’t even be asking the rock for forgiveness would you? But let’s change the scenario what if someone you knew accidentally tripped you over?

    Given that your thoughts are linked to your feelings, I want to state the obvious.
    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.

    When you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful. Maybe you are giving them the silent treatment, ignoring them or maybe you are shouting at them and being short with them. Remember: resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

    Further on this, particularly on the feeling of resentment, it keeps you stuck in the past as you are constantly reliving the scenario, the thoughts and the feelings. Remember the past is a construct in your head, your mind and body doesn’t know. So when you keep reliving the thoughts and feelings, you are making your brain go through the experience over and over again. Right now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.

    So how do you forgive someone?

    It is important to have at the forefront of your mind the purpose of forgiveness. Ultimately forgiveness is for you. You not them. You. I mean, the person you are forgiving doesn’t even need to know you are forgiving them really, forgiveness is for YOU.

    As established earlier the path to forgiveness starts with your thoughts.

    Let’s go back to the definition of forgiveness, it is a voluntary process emphasis on that again voluntary process. Going back to episode 4 where I speak about mental fitness and taking your brain to the gym, think of forgiveness as an important muscle that is needed to keep your emotional self healthy and strong.

    First question is to ask yourself why do you feel angry, why do you feel resentful. Remember everything in life is circumstances and its your thoughts the create reality. So whilst you can say they did this to me or didn’t do this… really it’s your thoughts about the situation which create your feelings and behaviour.

    So what thoughts are you having about why you feel angry and resentful. In order to forgive someone, you have to change your thoughts. So figure out why you feel the way you do. The number one question I like to get my clients to ask themselves is “so what?”. That’s the magic question to delve deeper into your thoughts and feelings.

    Your ex cheated on you. So what? Now you feel like you’re not good enough and perhaps you are not good looking enough for them. Your thoughts are creating a story about someone else’s actions even though you can’t mind read! Since you can’t mind read, you are creating a story that you are self perpetuating. You will never truly know why someone does something but you are creating meaning through your thoughts.

    Your friend gaslit you. So what? You don’t know what’s real and what’s not. You are in a state of shock and you can’t believe it happened to me. How did you let this happen? As a result of your thoughts on their behaviour, you feel like you don’t trust yourself and you don’t feel confident about the decisions you are making. You question yourself a lot.

    Your business partner took all of your money. So what? Now you feel unstable and insecure. You don’t have enough money to buy that car you want and you may be struggling to pay for rent and groceries. You feel anxious and worried about money. Again the story here is it’s because your thoughts are blaming that person for taking all your money and putting you into negative feelings through feeling stressed about money.

    Your dad abandoned you when you were 8. So what? You feel unlovable and unworthy, you feel that it is your fault that he left. Now you are older and wiser, have you ever had the thought that the way your dad is has nothing to do with you. Maybe he left because of his own fears of being a terrible dad. Maybe he left because he had a horrible gambling addiction and didn’t want you in the mix.

    It’s all about being aware of how your thoughts are creating your feelings about this person. Your thoughts are making you suffer and feel wronged. If you think different thoughts, you will have a different outcome.

    Forgiveness scenario: Cheating in relationships and dating

    Let’s take the cheating scenario as it is a common one and I have been cheated on through my own life experiences.

    You can choose to have the thoughts oh this says something about me, I’m not loveable enough, I wasn’t a good partner, I am not good enough and blame your partner, they ruined your life and so forth. That makes you feel tired, angry, resentful, awful to be honest or you can choose to have the thoughts oh this says nothing about me and everything about them.

    The relationship has unfolded the way it was meant to, nothing lasts forever, this chapter is closed and I’m ready to move forward and have a partner who values commitment and loyalty. You don’t feel angry anymore. You don’t feel resentful anymore. No more bitterness. Initially it will likely be working through sadness and betrayal but then feeling so hopeful and excited to move forward with your life.

    It’s all in the thoughts.

    It can also help to seperate the actions from the person who did what they did. For example good people do bad things – it’s not black and white. We have all made mistakes or done things we aren’t proud of but that doesn’t mean we are bad people overall. In fact there are more good people who make mistakes and do “bad things” vs bad people overall.

    One thing to also keep in mind is hurt people, hurt people. There is often a reason as to why someone has done something.

    The person that cheats on someone is because they feel lonely and insecure. It doesn’t make cheating right, but we can see why they did it and we are separating the action from the person.

    The person that scams people out of money because they needed to feed their family and keep a roof over their head. Again, not right but we can see why they did it and have some empathy.

    Empathy is a useful aid in forgiving someone. Can you put yourself in their shoes to understand why they did it?  Can you image the other as an innocent child needing love and support? How would you like to be treated if you made a mistake?

    One important thing to remember is that forgiveness is truly about your feelings and not your actions. You aren’t really forgiving someone if you are taking actions to say that you are for example saying “it’s okay now, I forgive you” and then you are still harbouring feelings of anger and resentment deep down inside. Telling someone you forgive them not akin to being forgiving unless its truly about the feeling.

    Sometimes we don’t forgive someone because you want to hold onto anger and resentment, thinking that you are punishing them. Like I said earlier, no you holding onto the feelings of anger and resentment is like taking poison and waiting for them to die. The only person you are hurting is yourself. You are giving this person or people too much power over your life.

    Not only that you can forgive and move on. Forgiving doesn’t automatically mean your feelings shift from anger and resentment to forgiveness and then it’s like nothing happened and you continue to see the person or interact with them. It’s your life and its your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with.

    Questions on forgiveness.

    Is anything and everything forgivable?


    The answer is yes because going back to the definition of forgiveness at the beginning of this episode it’s a voluntary process. You choose. You decide. There are instances of people forgiving those who have wronged them such as murdering a loved one or killing their family. It’s up to you.

    Another common theme that comes up with my coaching clients is what about if the person I am trying to forgive is myself?

    It’s the same process as outlined earlier with they key being:
    1) You are not your actions
    2) Empathy for yourself – you are human. We all make mistakes. We have all done things we aren’t proud of. It’s a part of being human.

    Self forgiveness is hard as the mistakes you make often become attached to underlying beliefs you have. Your brain uses it as evidence for a self fulfilling prophecy. If your brain thinks your bad with money guess what? It’ll interpret every action you do with money as bad. 

    You could invest $2,000 in coaching to transform your life, get unstuck and move forward with your life but since you think you’re bad with money, your brain will weave a story that you’re bad with money – it’s not an investment, you’re just frivolously spending when you’re not.

    Also ask yourself what does hating yourself and punishing yourself do? Not much. It would be more productive to take actions to improve and learn from the experience right?

    That’s why it’s great to work with someone to delve deep into these beliefs you may not be aware of – it’s something I do often with my clients. Most of the time my clients aren’t conscious of it but when I listen, I guide them to piece all their jigsaw pieces together so they become aware of it.

    Conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness.

    Diving into Bee’s question, who initially asked what about conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness. What I can tell you is that you learn a lot about yourself and others when you disagree on something. Are you being constructive, coming from a place of love and understanding or is it destructive? Resorting to actions like shouting and criticising someone?

    I want everyone to remember, not every one thinks like you. We live lives from our prospective, we are the frame of reference in the same way everyone else does to them. Other people have their frame of reference. You are the way you are because of your values, your family, your beliefs, the way you were raised, your life experiences – no one person has the exact identical experiences therefore we all see the world differently. 

    Whenever I get frustrated that people can’t see my point of view I remember that. For example I get frustrated when people don’t make the most out of life and they just stay in a rut and that’s because I experienced my dad passing away at a young age which made me realise life is fragile there is no guarantee. So I don’t like to waste my time, especially being stuck.

    Before that YOLO (you only live once) was just a phrase to me and a concept I understood theoretically but until I truly experienced it through a life event – that’s when my perspective shifted. 

    So when someone is stuck, I can help them and I can say and do all these things but ultimately its up to that person to decide to get unstuck and to get help. Very much like my clients, I can guide them, give them the tools but ultimately they are the ones who will get themselves unstuck.

    When you quarrel or argue without someone, ask yourself, what is my true intention here. Are you trying to get a message across to help or are you trying to be right? Is your ego inflating itself being like “I have to be right, I have to have the last say?”.

    I would also ask yourself is the quarrelling worth it? Quarrelling can be very draining and toxic to your energy and you can also lose a relationship over it. Is what you are fighting about worth it? Ask yourself what is worth more to you, inner peace or being right?

    I love these quotes to further reinforce my point. Firstly by Amit Kalantri, “Ultimately all kinds of fights end at forgiveness.” Secondly by Byron Katie, ““Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.”

    Radical thought: Forgiveness does not need to exist

    Speaking of Byron Katie, she is a is huge pioneer in the field of forgiveness.

    In fact she says “Forgiveness is the discovery that what you thought happened, didn’t.”

    This is a radical thought to drop in your mind.

    In short what she is saying is that we create conditions for how life should be and unfold so when these conditions are broken by someone else we demand forgiveness.

    Mind blowing but so true. Simple. There are no rules, there are no set ways to behave – we create this in our mind through our thoughts. Thoughts are truly so powerful.

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgivness close

    What a way to end this episode, a true journey on all things forgiveness. Summing it up forgiveness starts in your thoughts, your mindset.

    Are you are you struggling with forgiving in your life whether it’s with others or yourself? Want help learning step by step how to change your thoughts? Change your thoughts and change your life.

    I have limited 1:1 coaching spots left. With 2021 on the horizon, get help and improve your life now. Not in 2021. Now! Links in the show notes on how to contact me and work together.

    Thank you so much for listening beautiful soul. The next two episodes of the podcast I’ve decided will be about our feelings towards Christmas and coping with the holiday season and of course reviewing and reflecting about your year as we gear up for a brand new year, 2021!

    Wishing you inner peace always. Chat to you next Tuesday. Love and Positivity.

    [Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

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