Relationships

  • You don’t need someone, you want someone

    You don’t need someone.

    You are your own person.

    You have your own thoughts and opinions.

    You have your own goals.

    You have your own life.

    Your own dreams.

    You want someone.

    Love is everywhere, it isn’t just in a partner. Love is there with your friends and with your family. Love is there when you take a fresh breath, when you feel the ocean breeze, when you watch the sunrise.

    Love is there when you watch the clouds go by, when you see the stars twinkle in the night sky, when water falls from the sky, when dew forms on a fresh blade of grass, when your heart races on an adventure into the unknown, when you take a small sip of piping hot coffee, when you soak in the sunshine.

    You don’t need someone, you want someone.

    Not just anyone.

    You want a partner to share your life with.

    Someone who recognises how special you are, how incredible you are, how beautiful you are, how strong you are, how intelligent you are and how loving you are.

    Someone who looks into your eyes and sees your magic, your heart and your soul.

    Someone who wants to grow with you, learn with you and do life with you.

    The difference between needing someone and wanting someone

    Needing someone is wanting to be in a relationship / Wanting someone is only being in a relationship if you are compatible and they are right for you.

    Needing someone is feeling as if you can’t live without them / Wanting someone is knowing you can live without them but you don’t want to.

    Needing someone means you aren’t ready for a fulfilling relationship / Wanting someone means you are ready for relationship because you choose and feel ready to do so.

    Needing someone means you need to work on loving yourself / Wanting someone is loving who you are and wanting someone who will accept you completely.

    Needing someone makes you feel desperate and clingy / Wanting someone makes you feel empowered.

    Needing someone is wanting to feeling complete / Wanting someone is someone who loves all of you (flaws and all).

    Needing someone is to say what you think they want hear / Wanting someone is speaking your truth, being a voice and not an echo.

    Needing someone is doing anything for someone / Wanting someone is letting them do some things for you.

    Needing someone makes you feel anxious / Wanting someone is knowing you are already worthy of love no matter what.

    Needing someone feels like you want to see them everyday / Wanting someone means you’d like to see them regularly and still have time for yourself

    Needing someone is giving up your power and putting someone on a pedestal / Wanting someone is finding someone who is on your level

    Needing someone feels like making excuses for poor behaviour and red flags / Wanting someone is being with someone if they treat you well and reciprocate your feelings,

    Needing someone is being completely dependent / Wanting someone is being independent and being dependent at times.

    Needing someone is being validated by them / Wanting someone is being self confident and validating yourself.

    Additional reading on you don’t need someone, you want someone

    The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving SomebodyKeay Nigel, Medium

    The Difference Between Wanting Someone And Needing ThemMichaela Rollings, Thought Catalog

    Are You in Love or in Need?Uplift

    Click here to read more

  • A guide on how to use love languages

    An introduction on how to use love languages

    With my deepest love and sincerity, it is my hope this guide will help you learn how to use love langauges.
    Love langauges will help you better understand your partner and as a result improve how you communicate. It is important to note they can also help you understand yourself.

    What are love languages?

    Whilst love is a universal language, there are various branches within the expansive force that is love. Love languages are a powerful resource to understand how your partner likes to receive love.
    They also assist in helping us to better understand ourselves and how to communicate to our partner what makes us feel appreciated. Their origins are from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

    Why are love languages important?

    They help us:

    + Deepen our connection with our partner

    + Understand our partner and show love in a meaningful way

    + Communicate our desires and needs within a relationship

    + To be thoughtful, attentive and mindful of our partner

    + Strengthen the bond with our partner

    + Maintain a close and intimate relationship with our partner

    What are the love languages?

    • 1. Words of affirmation
    • 2. Quality time
    • 3. Receiving gifts
    • 4. Acts of service
    • 5. Physical touch

    A quick summary of the love languages:

    • 1. Words of affirmation: These tacos taste delicious, thank you!
    • 2. Quality time: Lets go get tacos together on Friday night.
    • 3. Receiving gifts: Here, I have some tacos for you because you mentioned how much you were craving them the other night.
    • 4. Acts of service: I made you some tacos because I can see you don’t have time to make lunch.
    • 5. Physical touch: Let me wrap my arms around you like a taco.

    Love Language: Words of affirmation

    Using our words to build our partner up. It is important to be authentic and genuinely mean what we say. The intention and emotion further support what we say.

    Recognising the words of affirmation love language:

    + They smile ear to ear when praised or told compliments.

    + Love public acknowledgement.

    + Often show appreciation

    + Enjoy sentimental posts and acknowledgement on social media

    It is important to note if your partner has the love language of words of affirmation:

    + Acknowledge and validate how our partner feels.

    + Be their biggest supporter and encourage them to be their best selves in a loving and respectful manner.

    + Be mindful of what we say and how it is said (tone, use of words, timing, attitude etc.)

    Examples of what to say to show love to your partner who has the love language of affirmation of words:

    + I really appreciate having you in my life.

    + I am so lucky to have you as my partner.

    + Wow you look incredible.

    + I believe in you. You’ve accomplished so much in your life and you will continue to do so!

    + I can completely understand why you would feel that way.

    + I hear you.

    Examples of actions to show love to your partner who has the love language of affirmation of words:

    + Talk to them directly face to face.

    + Compliment them.

    + Write them a love note.

    + Surprise them with a heart felt text message.

    + Speak highly of them to family, friends, colleagues etc.

    + Use a sincere and loving tone at all times.

    + Be vocal in the bedroom.

    Avoid these actions if your partner has the words of affirmations love language:

    – Criticising your partner with strong, aggressive language e.g. expletives.

    – Failing to recognise what they do for you.

    – Insulting your partner such as name calling.

    After conflict with your partner who has the words of affirmations love language?

    + A sincere and heart felt apology face to face acknowledging and taking responsibility for your actions.

    + Reminding them why you love them so much through your words such as a handwritten letter.

    + Writing a poem on why you appreciate them.

    Love Language: Quality time

    Time is not only invaluable, it is irreplaceable. It is one of the most precious gifts we can give anyone. The love language of quality time means to give your partner your full, undivided attention, to prioritise them and to share rich experiences together.

    Recognising the love language of quality time:

    + They use a diary, planner or calendar to organise their schedule and week.

    + They aren’t easily distracted.

    + They make time for loved ones such as travelling far distances to visit, rearrange their schedule, plan in advance etc.

    + Feel enriched and nourished by experiences.

    Actions your partner will love if they have the love language of quality time:

    + Plan a day trip or weekend away

    + Go for a holiday together

    + Cook dinner together

    + Go for a walk together

    + Take a moment to ask how their day was to spark a meaningful conversation

    + Give them your full presence by putting your phone away, turning off the TV etc.

    Avoid these actions if your partner enjoys quality time:

    – Distractions such as constantly using your phone

    – Failing to prioritise and make time for them

    – Going a long time without seeing them

    – Not making eye contact

    – Failing to actively listen

    – Ignoring your partner, stonewalling, the silent treatment.

    After conflict with your partner who values quality time?

    + Plan a date night

    + Engage in quality conversation

    + Be deliberate with your time

    Love Language: Receiving gifts

    Expressing your love with a thought out item which symbolises love and appreciation. It is not to be confused with materialism, the price of the item is not the value of the gift. It is about the sentiment of the gift. A token of affection. It is about putting yourself in their shoes to show them how attentive you are. It truly is the thought that counts.

    Recognising the love language of receiving gifts:

    + They give sentimental gifts e.g. custom items, handmade items, antique items.

    + Spoil people with gifts.

    + Bring back souvenirs from holidays.

    + Enjoy shopping.

    + Always have wrapping paper, ribbon, gift bags, gift tags and cards on hand.

    How to make your partner feel loved if they value receiving gifts:

    + Take notice of what makes them smile and sparks joy. What do they mention in passing?

    + Personalising gifts

    + Surprise gifts such as flowers

    + A homemade card or scrapbook

    + An item that can be worn everyday as a daily reminder of love such as jewellery
    Avoid:

    – Forgetting a special occasions such as your anniversary, birthdays and Valentine’s Day

    – Awkward timings of gifts e.g. a grand gesture early on in the relationship

    After conflict with someone who values gift receiving?

    + A token of love. Even better it could be something sentimental and dear to them.

    Acts of service

    Actions speak louder than words. Help alleviate stress and spark joy in their lives, by sharing the responsibilities of life with your partner.

    Your partner has the love language of acts of service if they have:

    + They have discussed or set up a plan to share chores.

    + They always thank you after you have helped around the house and tell you how much they appreciate it.

    + The undertake household tasks without you asking.

    + Spend lots of time undertaking tasks.

    + Speak about how much they have to do.

    How to make your partner feel loved if they have the love language of acts of service:

    + Proactively notice tasks that need to be done.

    + Household chores such as taking out the rubbish, tidying any mess, vacuuming and mopping the floors, cleaning the bathroom, ironing, folding the laundry etc.

    + Making dinner when they’re home late because of work.

    + Making a coffee in the morning when they are rushing to work.

    Avoid these actions if their love language is acts of service:

    – Failing to follow through with what you promise to do.

    – Being ambivalent.

    – Not being there for your partner to support.

    – Being lazy.

    – Creating more work for your partner e.g. spilling something and not cleaning it up, leaving dishes at the sink etc.

    After conflict with someone who has the love language of acts of service?

    – Taking action to change behaviours based on their feedback.

    Physical touch

    How to recognise if your partner has the love language of physical touch:

    + They enjoy PDA; public displays of affection such as holding hands and kissing in public.

    + Enjoy massages.

    + Smile ear to ear when you kiss or hug them.

    + Give firm, lingering hugs.

    + Always greet you with a kiss.

    + Enjoy cuddling and spooning.

    + Frequently lovingly touch you e.g. light touches on your leg, running their hands on your back or through your hair

    How to make your partner feel loved if their love language is physical touch:

    + Holding hands.

    + Kissing.

    + Touching.

    + Hugging.

    + Massages.

    + Spooning.

    + Sexual Intercourse.

    + Initiating touch.

    + Dancing together.

    Avoid these actions if your partner has the love language of physical touch:

    – Long moments of time without intimacy.

    – Withholding affection.

    – Physical neglect or abuse.

    After conflict with your partner who has the love language of physical touch?

    – Cuddling. Holding each other without speaking.

    – Make up sex.

    In conclusion about love languages:

    Love languages help us identify how to best love our partner. They also help us understand our own love language so that we are able to communicate to our partners on how to best love us. 

    Further resources:

    By extension, the importance of loving yourself, 46 affirmations to radiate self love and the power of being in a mindset of vitality.

    A quiz to understand what love language you are 5 Love Languages

    Frequently asked questions such as if your love language changes as you get older?

    Do love languages actually matter? Psychologists weigh in – Mic

    Click here to read more