55: 10 Things to Unlearn on Grief
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In this deeply reflective episode, Phi shares her personal insights on grief a decade after losing her dad when she just turned twenty. Grief is a complex and evolving process, and in this episode, we explore 10 things Phi had to unlearn since losing her dad that have shaped her understanding of grief. Each unlearning shares a powerful perspective shift.
What is discussed: What to unlearn about Grief
- Moving Beyond Closure: The myth of closure and how embracing the idea of ongoing connection with the departed has brought comfort and healing.
- The Fluidity of Grief: Grief is not a linear process but a dynamic journey consisting of ebbs and flows of grief.
- Leaning into Change: Grief prompts a reevaluation of one’s identity and priorities.
- The Myth of Time Healing All Wounds: Phi challenges the common adage and other misconceptions about grief
What to unlearn about grief
Hi Beautiful Soul. This week marks 1/3 of my life without my dad. 10 years, a decade without him. So surreal. I wanted to do this podcast on the day inspired by grief into gold, pain into power but sometimes you can’t make your pain productive, you can’t channel your pain into purpose. And that was yesterday for me. I had this idea that I would grieve for an hour and then do something inspired by my dad which was to clean (he was obsessed with cleaning) and help others by doing a podcast on my unlearning with grief.
Expectation vs Reality of Grief
The day had other plans for me. I was deeply sad and stayed in bed until 2pm. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all. I meditate for 20 minutes in bed but that was a struggle. Then I dragged myself to the beach for a swim. That did make me feel better but I was disgruntled at how many people were at the beach and how close the waves were breaking to shore. It was that type of vibe, focusing on the negatives instead of the positive such as I only had to cross the road to go to the beach and being in the water was so rejuvenating and healing. I mainly wanted to stay inside but with my partners encouragement we went out, did Christmas shopping together and he cooked a delicious dinner for us. Bless him.
Over the past ten years, I’ve navigated the intricate layered landscape of death, darkness, depression and shadows and truly the light I’ve seen, found and experienced despite it is a testament to us as humans and our ability to live and heal. Our profound ability to be resilient, adapt and a testament to how deeply we can love. Ten years ago my whole life was turned upside down when I had just turned twenty when I lost my dad to bowel cancer. The pain, heartache and suffering that followed were some of the hardest moments of my life yet at the same time beautiful seeds of hope, purpose and light were planted in the darkest of moments.
In this episode I am sharing 10 unlearning I’ve had after losing my dad 10 years ago. Unlearning doesn’t mean dismissing or erasing the memory or significance of loss nor does it mean forgetting. Unlearning is about authenticity, adapting and navigating to the reality that is post loss, processing ways to cope and grieve as well as honouring one’s emotions associated with loss and grief. Unlearning involves adapting to the new reality, finding ways to cope, and gradually shifting one’s relationship with the emotions associated with grief.
Disclaimer: Trigger Warning; Episode talks about death, depression, suicide, shadow work
Grief is bad and means something is broken
The learning: Grief is negative and something to be fixed.
The unlearning: Grief isn’t negative or something to be fixed, it doesn’t need to be repressed but expressed and honoured. Grief is a journey to be navigated.
Grief is not something to be ashamed of, grief does not need to be hidden. We’re conditioned to view sadness as an inconvenience, a disruption to our otherwise “normal” lives. The truth is, grief is a complex and individual process that cannot be neatly packaged into a one-size-fits-all. When we just label grief as negative, it’s a blanket assumption and we are overlooking the profound growth and resilience that can emerge from facing loss head-on. Grief isn’t a sign something is broken if anything it’s a sign it’s all working, we are human, we feel, we connect, it is an inevitable part of life.
So why do we often see grief as a problem to be fixed? Society’s discomfort with the unknown, the unpredictable, the uncontrollable, plays a significant role. We are attuned to instant gratification and quick fixes and instant gratification, leaving little room for space and life unfolding at it’s own place that we cannot control or change. It’s toxic positivity, that it isn’t okay to be in a less than happy or perfect space.
Acknowledging grief as a natural response to loss, we create space for healing and self-discovery. Trying to suppress or eliminate grief only perpetuates the misconception that vulnerability is a weakness, hindering the natural progression toward acceptance. Imagine growing up where grief is as normal as happiness. Where grief is as openly demonstrated and shown as happiness.
People mean well when they grief won’t last forever, everything will be okay, they want you to be happy, to keep pushing and moving forward but when you’re in the thick of grief you are craving acknowledgement of what’s happened rather than solutions and repair. It’s the validation and recognition something painful and traumatic has happened that will forever change your life. It’s the acknowledgement an integral part in the journey of life has taken place. Grief plays a part in the fairytale and dream. You can experience grief and still have a dream life or “fairytale ending” if you will.
Grief is mental: thoughts and perspective
The learning: Grief is to be processed mentally.
The unlearning: It’s so important to grieve in your body.
In traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), the concept of organs extends beyond their physiological functions to include emotional and energetic aspects. Each organ is believed to be associated with specific emotions, and the lungs are linked to grief. The lungs are the seat of grief where grief is stored. It feels like the tightening of the chest, or it’s hard to breathe, or shallow quick breathing. It’s when it’s hard to breathe slowly and deeply. Other symptoms which may indicate grief in the lungs: coughing, allergies, a tendency for or constant colds and flus, respiratory symptoms, weakness in voice, voice loss, chest congestion, bronchitis as examples. The partner organ of the lungs is also the large intestine so anything related to bowel and digestion issues can also indicate stored grief such as indigestion, constipation, difficulty or pain going to the bathroom signifying ‘difficulty to letting go’ – physically and emotionally.
Now off the bat, I want to make it clear that this is from a holistic, spiritual perspective taking into account the mind, body, spirit connection. I personally advocate traditional and modern medicine working together. Please use your discernment and I always say to experiment and try to see if this is true and resonates with you and your body.
Given this line of thinking, breathwork can assist with processing, moving and shifting grief. I did an Instagram reel visually showing the meridian points you can gently press on whilst breathing in and then release as you breathe out. It’s essentially underneath your collar bones so the way to do it almost looks initially like a soothing hug — sweet right?
Grief is mental: thoughts and perspective
The learning: Grief is to be processed mentally.
The unlearning: It’s so important to grieve in your body.
In traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), the concept of organs extends beyond their physiological functions to include emotional and energetic aspects. Each organ is believed to be associated with specific emotions, and the lungs are linked to grief. The lungs are the seat of grief where grief is stored. It feels like the tightening of the chest, or it’s hard to breathe, or shallow quick breathing. It’s when it’s hard to breathe slowly and deeply. Other symptoms which may indicate grief in the lungs: coughing, allergies, a tendency for or constant colds and flus, respiratory symptoms, weakness in voice, voice loss, chest congestion, bronchitis as examples. The partner organ of the lungs is also the large intestine so anything related to bowel and digestion issues can also indicate stored grief such as indigestion, constipation, difficulty or pain going to the bathroom signifying ‘difficulty to letting go’ – physically and emotionally.
Now off the bat, I want to make it clear that this is from a holistic, spiritual perspective taking into account the mind, body, spirit connection. I personally advocate traditional and modern medicine working together. Please use your discernment and I always say to experiment and try to see if this is true and resonates with you and your body.
Given this line of thinking, breathwork can assist with processing, moving and shifting grief. I did an Instagram reel visually showing the meridian points you can gently press on whilst breathing in and then release as you breathe out. It’s essentially underneath your collar bones so the way to do it almost looks initially like a soothing hug — sweet right?
Grief looks a certain way
The learning: A good griever looks a certain way.
The unlearning: There are no prizes for being the griever that appears to and suffers the most, grief doesn’t have a universal appearance; it isn’t just crying, grief can also look like being on holiday or celebration.
Grief is so personal and different for every individual. You don’t have to be the matyr that appears to be sad and suffering all the time. Stereotypically when we visually think of grief we see crying, sadness, and depression. Some people react differently.
Grief doesn’t look a certain way. Some may express their sorrow openly, while others may internalise their emotions. Some people may do it publicly and others in private.
There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. At times it’s silent tears or screaming in rage and frustration. Other times it may be laughing and jovial as you reminisce on fond memories and good times. You can be grieving and still show up.
It’s interesting too how different cultures grieve, some see it as a mourning and loss whilst others celebrate life in a joyful manner.’
I think about how when I first lost my dad yes tears upon tears but I also did put on a happy face at times and even though I was smiling and laughing, deep down I was still sad and grieving. Some years across the decade that’s been, I cry and other times I don’t shed any tears but I’m still feeling a lot within.
Don't love again because you'll lose...
The learning: After grief you fear love and loss.
The unlearning: Its okay to lose and be scared of loving deeply again but don’t let that stop you.
You have this phase of yolo inspired and maybe at some point the fear of loss creeps in again because you’re scared to lose because maybe it will be too difficult. Realise that can be traced to the fear of vulnerability which is necessary in forming meaningful connections. It’s grappling the anxiety of what it means to emotionally invest again after loss because you are terrified of separation through death or something come to an end again. It’s the mental game and anticipation of intense pain which can lead you to adopt a guarded walls up approach.
Love and loss after death can hinder connection or you can let it enrich your life. Love is magical. It is worth the pain, sadness and inevitable end in one way because of how much joy and fulfilment it can bring. Love compels us to do beautiful, crazy, amazing things. Loss is inevitable but it doesn’t have to overshadow the beauty and transformative power of love. Impermanence can be embraced. Nothing lasts forever and that’s duality: good and bad.
Being 'normal again' after the loss of a loved one
The learning: You should go back to who you were before grief.
The unlearning: After grief is a different you, there is ‘no normal’ and that’s more than okay.
Grief forces us to confront the fragility of life and the impermanence of our existence. In the face of loss, we are compelled to reevaluate our priorities and focus on what truly matters. This reassessment often leads to a deeper appreciation for the people and experiences that bring meaning and joy into our lives. Grief helps us to be more grateful and mindful. Grief changes what we value and how we view life.
Grief prompts you to re-evaluate who you are, I mean how can you be the same after a traumatic life changing event? Ultimately I personally think grief made me a better person. You become more attuned to the suffering of others and a deepened capacity to feel and have empathy. You value relationships more: you never know when it will be the last time you see or speak to someone.
Happiness is a sign of progress after grieving
The learning: A sign of progress is being happy and joyful again.
The unlearning: Heartbreak, feeling and crying are signs of progress too.
The ability to feel everything, rather than solely pursuing happiness after death again, is a hallmark of progress in the grieving journey. In the initial stages of grief, there is an overwhelming intensity: of sadness, despair and sorrow. Progress is to acknowledge and feel these: they are a testament to the journey of feeling your feelings. It’s multifaceted: then in the stages of grief perhaps its anger another complexity dabbled with moments of unexpected joy and laughter despite the grief. The co existence of joy and sorrow.
It’s crucial to acknowledge that the goal isn’t merely to be happy again; it’s about truly integrating the experience of loss into one’s life in a way that is authentic, sustainable and meaningful. Society often places a huge emphasis on external markers of progress, such as returning to work, being present in social activities again or returning to activities that you’re known to love.
These are positive steps but alot of progress happens internally that can’t necessarily be seen. Eventually they will be but not always immediately.
The myth that time heals after the death of a loved one
The learning: Grief gets better with time.
The unlearning: Grief changes and reshapes with time.
Not so much the amount, the pain is the same but you get upset less frequently or triggered
We grow around it.
Grief can be like jumping in and out of puddles one day and another you’re in a river stream and it’s hard to get out.
What is more true to this statement is the journey and process of adapting and integrating. As time passes, you develop new coping mechanisms, insights, understandings and grief changes form. What was once harsh and pronounced can soften and weave in with life itself.
Pangs lessen, there is a sense of acceptance, the yearning and longing are less, your thoughts aren’t just dominated by the loss, you are able to hold more: to enjoy being around people again and experiencing life.
Grief is a one time thing
The learning: You go through grief once and it’s done.
The unlearning: Grief involves revisiting it.
It’s not resolved in one go, things pop up back. Grief is not a one-time or one-off event but a complex and recurring experience that unfolds over the course of your life. Many people mistakenly believe that once they navigate through the pain of loss, they have completed the grieving process. However, grief is a dynamic, layered and evolving experience. It’s impact can resurface in various forms at different stages and moments in life.
I thought well I had delayed grief so I essentially then grieved for another year and surely that’s done right? No. Grief over my dad would come back during birthdays, milestones anniversaries, holidays and random unexpected seemingly average mundane ordinary days.
Grief’s recurrence is not an indication of an inability to move on or a lack of progress; rather, it highlights the ongoing nature of the human experience.
These moments serve as opportunities for reflection and provide an opportunity to revisit grief as the familiar visitor that it is.
Grief needs to be processed at the time of death
The learning: Grief has to be processed at the moment of the death
The unlearning: It’s never too late to process grief
For many the death of a loved one is an overwhelming and surreal life experience. In an ideal world yes you would process it in the lead up (should you have had the opportunity) and in the moment but life isn’t perfect. Even in my own case, I had delayed onset grief symptoms a year later. I repressed the grief and became numb because it was too overwhelming, I didn’t know what to do. A tidal wave of loss and all the feelings, so many I couldn’t really decipher and unpack each one. I was unable to process such a huge shock to the system at that time as the person I was. I repressed grief and ignored it because I needed to survive in the day to day. There’s delayed grief such as in this instance but with clients I’ve also seen unresolved grief where someone has not fully come to terms with the loss, perhaps denying reality and continual yearning that impacts their day to day living. Another layer to grief can be disenfranchised grief where one doesn’t feel like it’s acceptable to openly grieve for example death by suicide, premature loss of a baby.
We all know if answer oh I’m fine… Fine is ‘Feelings Inside Not Expressed.’ Emotions do not adhere to a strict timeline to be processed. Grief is not a linear experience with a fixed endpoint; rather, it is a fluctuating and evolving journey. At any point you can revisit grief and with time you process it in different ways having accumulate life experiences, perspectives with a different mindset, emotional capacity.
Maybe you’ll look back and realise when the triggers are sharp, hey maybe I haven’t fully healed. Maybe I did some healing at the time and I wasn’t ready until now to face the full magnitude of the grief that is. Know that it’s never too late.
Grief and death are meaningless
The learning: You think the pain and grief are useless.
The unlearning: Your pain and grief isn’t wasted, it adds more to your life.
We deem pain and grieving as negative, it’s seen as an unwanted aspect of the human experience yet both pain and grieving can play play a profound and meaningful role in life.
They are natural responses and are manifestations of the deep emotional connections we form with others. The intensity of our sorrow is a testament to the significance of the bonds we share with those we have lost. Grief is a paradox in itself, harrowing, haunting yet beautiful at the same time. Grief, in all its rawness, cracks us open to the depths of how much we can feel, the fragility and non guarantee of life and the resilience of being human.
Through grief we can gain purpose and meaning to life, to embrace it in all of its fullest to not just be alive but truly live. For some like me, it was the catalyst leading to what I eventually do now as a life coach but that doesn’t mean you have to. You could or it could simply be from your experiences being able to comfort and support someone else going through grief. It’s your ability to be able to connect and understand to a degree what someone else is going through. A sense of unity despite adversity.
Death is final
The learning: They’re gone forever.
The unlearning: They truly are there with you.
For me it’s that obvious angle from a spiritual energetic perspective. Signs and symbols take on new meanings. For many it could be an animal, a song, a symbol like a feather or flower, lights flickering and electronics misbehaving, dreams, coincidences, synchronicities. You can talk to their spirit.
That aside whether you believe it or not, the legacy of a loved one transcends the physical realm. They live on: in the stories we share, the traditions we uphold, and the values we carry forward. Their presence becomes a part of us in our identity, in our heart. It could be a piece of advice or a recipe passed down. They inspire you and others on how they lived and the kind of person they were. We can have rituals such as in Asian culture we leave out meals for loved ones who have passed or light candles and incense.
Their impact in our lives is not forgotten whether it was a kind act they did or the remembrance of their favourite song.
This wraps up today’s episode on 10 unlearning on grief I’ve had, 10 years after losing my dad. Unlearning is all about shedding societal expectations, debunking myths, and allowing for a more authentic and compassionate experience of loss. The journey unlearning grief is an ongoing one that is all about self compassion, patience and leaning into, feeling and embracing our emotions, all part of the amazing thing we have called life.
