Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 12: Understanding Your Negative Emotions
This episode gets real on negative emotions despite society where we avoid negativity and put up a front of positivity always. Learn about why you have negative emotions and how you create negativity in your mind. We also delve into practical tips and strategies on how to be less negative.
What you'll learn from this episode
- Why we feel negative emotions
- How you create negativity in your mind
- The role and impact of attention and focus on negativity
- An instant life hack on being less negative
- How a simple shift in mindset can change your perspective on negativity
Key Quotes from this Episode
Featured Resources on the episode
- Learn more about 1:1 Coaching with Phi here.
- Follow Phi on Instagram here.
- Episode 10 of the Grow Through It Podcast, How to be a Warrior Not Worrier.
- Episode 5 of the Grow Through It Podcast, River of Misery
- Episode 3 of the Grow Through It Podcast, Beyond the Law of Attraction, The 12 Universal Laws
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 12: Understanding Your Negative Emotions
You are listening to Episode 12 of the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: Understanding Your Negative Emotions.
[Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:
Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.
Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.
My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”
My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.
Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.
This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.
Ready to grow? Let’s grow!
[Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]
[Episode 12 – Understanding Your Negative Emotions Begins]
Hi Beautiful Soul, so glad you’re here.
I want to start this episode with flagging I’m recording in a new location for the podcast so there may be a little background noise a car and bird chip here or there but I didn’t want that to stop me from recording and releasing a new podcast for you.
Genuinely I usually record in a my clothes wardrobe nook but I’ve been barred from that because my boyfriend is currently ill and so I’m in the office recording it.
A wardrobe nook – yes it’s actually the best place to record because it keeps all the sound insular and all my clothes muffles background noise. A sneak peak into life now – I love it because one day I know I’ll have my own pro podcasting room in the future – it’s on my manifestation list.
How are you doing today? Really how are you doing?
I have something to confess I had a whole other episode scripted and ready to go but an immense wave of grief hit me.
It was as to no surprise for it was my dad’s birthday the other day, he would have been in his late sixties.
It was such a wave of grief that I truly struggled, I felt very low and I have to say every day I cried.
Now? I feel okay. I’m good and it’s because through self development and having a coach myself I have learnt to navigate negative emotions.
To add to this, this time, last year, whilst I also cried I didn’t feel as low, I was feeling quite upbeat and positive.
And that’s emotions for you.
They are waves, they’ll always go up and down, some will be high and low, other times still and flat.
One thing is for sure, in life you will always be navigating emotions and negativity more often than not given our brain is negatively biased to protect us.
Getting real on social media - the truth about positivity
As a life coach and as someone with a large community of over 10,000 followers on Instagram – I have made a commitment to myself, my clients and community to always be honest and true. That is to not pretend on social media and in real life that life is all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns because it’s not.
On social media there is a facade of perfection we put up highly stylised images, we always look happy, in fact we curate so much of it. What images we select, how we portray ourselves and somewhere along the line some of us have believed that it’s real.
Always happy, always camera ready, always positive. I stand for positivity, authenticity and integrity. To be true. To show you when I feel the lows – what it’s really like and it is sometimes a chaotic mess, a roller coaster. Even as someone is known as the Positivity Queen, I still feel negative sometimes because I am human and positivity doesn’t exclude negativity exclusively.
I’ll repeat that again because that’s an important distinction: positivity doesn’t exclude negativity. They require each other. More on that later.
There’s a misconception as a life coach that all we preach is being happy and positive all the time however that’s not the case. As a life coach I teach my clients to feel the full spectrum of their emotions and practical tools and strategies to understand and navigate their emotions.
Let it also be known even when you learn tools and strategies, how your mind works though brain based coaching there will still be times you feel negative.
I have talked to people and have clients who you would think have perfect lives on the outside but on the inside it’s a different reality. Don’t let appearances or social media fool you.
Social media along with the media in general – TV shows, movies, radio has somehow led us all to believe that we are always so happy farting rainbows and glitter or that sadness is glamourised in this aching, cool way.
I want to talk about what other people don’t talk about or are scared to and that is negative emotions because we all go through it.
So let’s get real on negative emotions on understanding them and owning them.
Negativity by default
When I first start working with clients, a lot of the time they think they are just negative by default which is true. Yes. Humans have a negative bias which is evolutionary to keep us safe, being negative compelled us into instant action in an immediate return environment.
Rustle in the bushes defaults to dangerous animal, take instant action flee which means you are safe. Interpret the rustle as just wind meant no action meant potential of death if that was in fact a dangerous animal.
For more on this concept, listen to Episode 10 of the Podcast, How to be a Warrior Not Worrier.
How you create negativity is through your thoughts
Now acknowledging we have a negative bias, we create our own negativity through our thoughts.
The world is nothing but neutral circumstances, it is our thinking that determines our feelings of positivity or negativity.
For example, rain on a weekend is a natural circumstance.
Your thinking would determine if that’s a positive or negative, on person may jump to a negative because they can no longer have a picnic outside whereas someone else sees it as a positive – they don’t have to water the plans outside.
So bring awareness and to attention to your thoughts. How do they create your reality?
Negativity isn’t only created by overt thoughts in your mind, negativity creeps in through subtle ways.
Judging others. Criticising others. Shaming. Jumping to conclusions…
“That won’t work for me”
“I can’t do that”
“I don’t like”
“I’m too tired”
“It’s too hard”
“I’ve never been able to”
And of course the number 1 way negativity builds in to your life: Complaining.
Try cutting out complaining for one whole day and see how you feel.
Now when you understand that Your thoughts determine your reality, you can understand how to make yourself feel certain emotions, you can generate how you want to feel.
Is it easy? No. Is it possible, yes.
The impact of attention and focus on negativity
Energy flows where focus goes.
Simply put, focus on the negative and you have a negative mindset. Focus on the positive and you have a positive mindset.
You can focus on the fact how much you hate mint ice cream or focus on how much you love honeycomb.
You can focus on everything that’s going wrong in your life or focus on everything that is going right in your life.
You can focus on emotions you don’t want or focus on emotions you do want.
Don’t just focus on what you want, find what you want.
Find something everyday to be positive about.
Have an open mind, allow yourself to feel positive. Look at kids, they are always so open and get ridiculously happy and excited about what we consider the small things: sand, waves, puppies, butterflies, being outside…
Why it's hard not to be negative
For many it’s easy to be negative – to criticise, to dismiss, to be skeptical. It’s harder to consciously and intentionally to do the work to be positive – to acknowledge the good, to purposely change your thoughts. Thinking on purpose requires relentless consistency and it can be exhausting. You have to catch yourself having the thoughts and not only decide to change but to do the work to make the change happen.
It’s like what Socrates says “the secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new.”
It doesn’t help that your brain is also lazy but it’s understandable it takes up so much energy on a subconscious level you don’t even realise. The brain is pumping your blood around your body, breathing automatically, blinking automatically… it can’t help but be a bit lazy and want to do things efficiently.
It’s easier for your brain to give into the negativity, to wallow even though it knows if it does the work it can be more positive. The thoughts you’ve been thinking repeatedly are so comfortable and easy like taking the same route to work everyday vs trying a new one which many cut down minutes off your commute but that involves energy, effort and time upfront.
Thought work on negativity
https://phidang.com/05-river-of-misery/You can even get caught in a place where you catch your thoughts, you intellectually understand you are having a negative thought but you feel stuck because you feel like you can’t change it. That’s the real catch you can. You only can’t at this moment because you believe the thought, that because you thought it, it must be real and you aren’t open to other possibilities such as the thought isn’t true or that the thought isn’t a fact or maybe even that you are wrong (oh hello ego!). More on this on Episode 5, River of Misery.
All of the thought work it takes to overcome negativity requires tiny leaps of faith. To be willing to feel your emotions and realise it won’t kill you and that you could be wrong. To be willing to do the work knowing it feels terrible right now but will become easier and second nature like working out. Lifting the weights feels impossible and heavy at first, but over time with consistent practice, it becomes effortless until it’s time to reach the next level.
Negativity isn't all bad, negativity serves a purpose
https://phidang.com/03-beyond-the-law-of-attraction-the-12-universal-laws/I’ll let you ponder on that for a moment whilst I state the fact that negativity itself isn’t all bad, in fact it serves a purpose.
Positivity doesn’t exist without negativity.
Light doesn’t exist without dark.
It’s Ying and Yang, the law of correspondence (more on that on Episode 3 Beyond the Law of Attraction, the 12 Universal Laws).
How would we know happiness without sadness?
What would life be to you if you were only happy all the time?
Negativity raises our self awareness and like our cave man ancestors it drives us to take action.
If we feel unhappy it forces us to look at our lives, to see what we want and don’t want, to drive us to create an intentional life where we are being our must truest and authentic selves.
Resisting negativity makes life harder and more negative
Negativity has become a huge force that messes with our minds nowadays because we cocoon ourselves in double negativity.
We make it more negative by resisting.
I’m not meant to feel negative.
I can’t feel negative.
I shouldn’t feel negative.
These negative thoughts mean there’s something wrong with me.
Think about if if you are already feeling negative and then judge yourself on being negative, you are in a double negative situation.
It’s unnecessary for you to beat yourself up about feeling negative because it doesn’t help.
In fact the more you resist, the more it persists.
I think about waves. Imagine how much harder it is to swim against the current and tide as opposed to just going along with it and seeing where it takes you.
How does it feel to resist as opposed to allow.
Allow feels much nicer for me, much calmer. My mind is at peace.
The energy is completely different.
Most of us don’t allow our emotions, we don’t feel it the full way through so it’s weird sometimes we don’t actually know how it fully feels. We resist which creates suffering, we get scared of the suffering, we future predict all the discomfort we will feel and we resist.
Instead of resisting and wanting yourself to be positive, can you find the neutral ground?
Neutralising negativity, the first step to being less negative
For example if you think you’re not good enough, it takes a huge leap to suddenly say I am the most amazing person but it’s much easier to have a neutral thought like “I don’t feel good enough right now and that’s okay. I am human”.
That thought is more neutral, there is acceptance in there and the thought opens up possibilities to the fact hey maybe I’m not good enough isn’t true.
It’s like on a scale going from a -5 to a -3, that in itself is progress.
Try it! It’s like an instant life hack, allow the thought, drop the I should feel this instead or I shouldn’t feel this or it should be different and the edge of suffering melts away.
Allowing over resisting.
If there was a free voucher for bungee jumping it’s much easier for someone who loves heights and adrenaline to take it up then someone who is terrified of heights.
Allowing over resisting.
Allowing is tolerating. Yes there may still be slight discomfort like an ache or headache but that’s okay. It won’t kill you. You will live, you can go on with life.
Negativity can become automatic
That’s the funny thing about our minds. It automatically jumps to the conclusion and equates negativity with suffering.
It makes sense.
If every time you ate carrot cake and felt sick, your mind equates carrot cake to making you have a bad reaction, that’s your only experience at current.
This is the same with feeling negativity automatically makes you suffer.
However imagine we found out that it was the flour making you sick and replace it with gluten free flour. At first your mind will still be like no i’m not eating the carrot cake, every time I do it makes me sick. It’s understandable because your mind has never had the experience that carrot cake won’t make you sick. Your brain panics and resists the new carrot cake.
It takes a little tiny leap of faith knowing that this new cake won’t because it has gluten free flour. Once you do you realise oh I don’t feel sick and it’s okay.
That’s the same with allowing yourself to feel your negative emotions. You think it will be awful but in reality its okay. It’s uncomfortable, it’s hard but you are capable. You can feel hard things.
Approaching negativity with curiosity
To make this process easier, shift your mindset from one of judgement of yourself for the emotions you have to curiosity.
Sit with the emotions, welcome them, get curious to see what emotions mean.
What are they telling you about what is going on in your life?
How can you see your emotions as an ally not a foe?
How can you learn and grow from the current emotions at present?
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 12: Understanding Your Negative Emotions
If it’s one thing you practice from this podcast is to try allowing over resisting.
If you’re listening along and thinking “I’m so sick of having negative thoughts on repeat all the time”
Do you identify yourself as a negative person and feel stuck and helpless, as if you will be negative for the rest of your life?
Do you want to wake up feeling confident and assured that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it?
If you are, let’s chat visit my website phidang.com or DM me on Instagram @thephidang because I can help.
I’ve gone from the depths of anxiety, depression and grief to someone who is able to navigate the hardest of emotions from the grief of losing my dad at the age of 20 and experiencing life in negativity and being numb and emotionless.
I can teach you how to rewire your brain for positivity as I do with my clients. I’ve only got 3, 1:1 coaching spots left so get in touch with me now.
Enjoy your day beautiful soul, next week’s episode will be the one I actually scripted for this week “Your Brain is a Liar”. It’s an eye opening episode where you realise how often your brain lies to you… Speak to you next Tuesday. Love and positivity.
[Episode 12 – Understanding Your Negative Emotions]
Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.