Mindset

  • Trauma isn’t just in your mind and thoughts

    Our society is so ingrained in our heads, in our minds and the thoughts we have 🧠

    Whilst mindset is important it isn’t everything.

    Working with my clients I’ve really delved into body work: energy. 

    How does it feel to be inside your body?

    Working together through breath work and meditation to be present.

    EFT (energetic freedom technique) to release and move old energy.

    The head has merits but so does your body. It’s so intelligent and it wants to communicate with you. Through heart, soul, gut… the feels ✨

    So don’t dismiss your body.

    From what I’ve found the mind lies, the body doesn’t…

    The fear you feel when you’re scared or anxious.

    The heart ache you feel from grief or loss.

    The pure joy of happiness… ☺️

    love & positivity ✨ phi 👁

     

    Click here to read more

  • Your thoughts are not facts

    PSA: Your thoughts are not facts. Just because your mind says you’re not good enough or worthy enough or smart enough and the list goes on… it doesn’t mean it’s true.

    Your thoughts are formed from your subconscious which is a product of your experiences – growing up, the people around you, environments, beliefs, values and so forth.

    Remember: you are not your thoughts.

    love & positivity ✨ Phi 👁

    👉🏾 Ready to dive into your subconscious to understand why your thoughts are they way they are? Let’s chat about working together through 1:1 coaching ⚡️

    Click here to read more

  • Mistakes simply allow you to gather information, that is it

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MAKING MISTAKES. But we beat ourselves up about it.

    We shame ourselves.

    “You should have…”

    “It’s all your fault because…”

    “You must have…”

    Realise this 👁

    It’s the makings of the mind and ego.

    The ego doesn’t want to die. It wants to keep itself alive with all the 💩 it comes up with.

    It fucks with your mind that it can be this easy… 🧠

    Be here now. Drop the baggage 🧳 it’s heavy beautiful soul…

    No more shame.

    No more drama.

    No more guilt.

    Mistakes are another experience we have to learn and grow 🌱

    If you always see it and feel it that way you move through these energies much faster 🧡

    love & positivity ✨ phi 👁

    Click here to read more

  • Do you know what it’s like to be in your body, or are you always in your mind?

    We are conditioned to be in our mind. 

    “Use your head!”, “Can you please think about this?”, “Are you being logical and rational right now?”

    To the point where now we don’t know what it’s like to be in our body…

    Some people even are numb.

    When was the last time you were in your body?

    Feeling all the movement, sensations, weights, textures and vibrations?

    How does it feel to be in your body?

    Come home beautiful soul 🧡

    Experience the beauty of life and soul.

    Experience being truly alive in this temporary temple we are so lucky to love in.

    love & positivity ✨ phi 👁

    😫 caught up and trapped inside your mind? 🧠 let me help you break free and come home to your body beautiful soul. Get in touch with me, I can help you 🦋 through 1:1 coaching ✨

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  • Your mind is built to help you survive, not be happy

    YOU ARENT DESIGNED TO BE HAPPY AAAAAND THATS OKAY! 🧡

    You can take the pressure off yourself and your mind because there. is. nothing. wrong. with. you 🙏🏽

    Your brain is a survival organ designed to solve problems in order to live.

    Being happy all the time isn’t encouraged by our design because it would lower your guard to possible threats to your life.

    “Oh that animal won’t kill me…”

    “Oh I could easily do that trek…”

    “Oh it would be so fine to do [insert crazy reckless activity]”

    Your brain is an incredible super tool that is always on the look out for risks and threats. To protect you and I for one am so thankful.

    Your mind wants to protect you at all costs including happiness.

    The #1 priority is to s u r v i v e ❗️❗️❗️

    The pursuit of happiness isn’t what we are built to do.

    Can you be happy?

    Oh absolutely yes 😍

    Can you do it in your mind?

    Sure… but is that true happiness?

    Happiness for me and what I work with my clients is in being… the presence of here right now. This moment. Being alive. Here. In your body

    It is SO much simpler than you THINK 🧠 because it’s intuitive and isn’t to do with your mind 🤯

    If that intrigues you… calls you… get in touch with me I would love to help and support you beautiful soul through 1:1 coaching.

    Click here to read more

  • Do you want your dreams more than you want your drama and excuses?

    Tell me beautiful soul, do you ever dissolve your mind to feel yourself dripping in desire? 💦⚡️

    A desire that tingles within.

    That turns you on.

    That feels so juicy.

    The magnetism of potentiality.

    Or are you stuck in the prison of your mind 🧠

    When it comes to your dreams everything else takes priority.

    “It’s too hard”

    “I don’t have time”

    “Now is not the time”

    “I don’t have enough money”

    “It’s not possible for someone like me”

    How can you dissolve this mental chatter that keeps you shall, stuck and scared?

    Can you relinquish the mind and step into your POWER?

    To claim it ⚡️ and be UNAPOLOGETIC?

    To realise that anything your mind can conceive… is a gift 🎁 that you can make it your reality.

    Once you take back the power from outside yourself.

    Everything within you right now, your coursing blood, hot veins, big beating heart, extensive experience… you can do it.

    The question is how badly do you want it?

    To take the first step or to keep going.

    Despite the inevitable mind drama that will try to stop you.

    To protect you even at the price of success.

    So tell me, your dreams or excuses… which one is more powerful?

    Hold the vision and the dream is yours 💭

    Click here to read more

  • 18: Your Brain Is A Liar

    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 18: Your Brain Is A Liar

    This episode is all about how your brain is a liar. In fact, your brain lies to you all the time, every single day. Learn about the 13 ways in which your brain lies to you.

     

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • Why your brain lies
    • The negativity bias
    • Why the brain is lazy and likes to be efficient
    • 13 ways in which your brain lies to you

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    The negativity bias was very useful for our cave man ancestors back in the day where as now not so much.

    Phi Dang

    Your brain loves to be comfortable at all costs including long term happiness. It likes to repeat thoughts you already always have even if they are negative because that’s easy.

    Phi Dang

    Should are guilt beatings.

    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 18: Your Brain Is A Liar

    You are listening to Episode 18 of the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: Your Brain Is A Liar

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 18 – Your Brain Is A Liar Begins]

    Your Brain Is A Liar Introduction

    Hello beautiful soul! This episode had been a long time coming. I feel like I’ve been teasing it way back because it was meant to be Episode 12 which has turned into Episode 18 because of my spark and desire to do the love series (which was amazing by the way!).

    The title of the podcast just jumps as screams out at you don’t you think. It’s alarming and it’s true. Before I dive into today’s episode I wanted to give a huge shout out to Tegan who I got to speak to yesterday who listens to the podcast. Hi Tegan thank you so much for listening beautiful soul, I appreciate you.

    Shout out to my beautiful clients

    Also a huge shout of to 3 of my clients, Matt, Josie and Carrie who are almost at the end of our coaching containers. Ahhhh I love you all, I love helping you and watching you all transform in your individual, unique way. It makes my heart and soul sing. Thank you for honouring me with the blessing of being your life coach.

    If you’ve been listening to me on this podcast for a while, checking out my Instagram posts and feel drawn – please listen to your tug! I would love to speak to you, I offer a complementary 45 minute call no strings attached worth $260 so jump on it if it feels right for you.

    Your Brain Is A Liar

    Let’s go into today’s episode.

    Your brain is a liar. 

    It means well because it wants to protect you and keep you safe but it lies to you a lot.

    There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just that you believe the lies.

    Common lies your brain tells you

    • Your brain tells you things like:
    • You’re not good enough
    • You can’t change
    • You can’t get what you want
    • You will be the same forever
    • No one understands you
    • There’s something wrong with you
    • You will be single and alone forever 
    • You can’t finish anything
    • You can’t lose weight
    • You can’t start that business
    • You can’t make a lot of money
    • You can’t be positive

    All these lies, it’s not your fault.

    Why your brain lies to you?

    We all have these thoughts until we do personal development work or until we have a life coach who shows us how our brain lies.

    Why does your brain lie?

    Simply put, it’s hardwired that way through evolution to protect you and keep you safe through different means. 

    Your brain is negatively biased

    Personally from working with my clients, they think something is wrong with them because they are so negative and cannot seem to get over it.

    What they don’t realise is that we are all negatively biased. That it takes uncomfortable, intentional, conscious work to overcome the negativity. That it is truly difficult to do on your own and much easier with a life coach.

    In fact psychologist Rick Hanson likens the mind like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. 

    The negativity bias is so evident in your everyday life, can you relate to the examples I’m about to share?

    Examples of negatively biased thinking
    • It always feels that the negativity triumphs the positivity. You could have 5 good things happen but you focus on the 1 negative.
    • If your brain is wondering it’s more likely to think of everything that could go wrong instead of everything that could go right. Quitting your job to start your own business – what if you don’t make any money and can’t pay your bills, what if you have no customers and look like the biggest failure and embarrassment to everyone you know. These thoughts are more likely than what if it all goes right and I make lots of money, what if it all goes right and I only work 10 hours a week.
    • You are more compelled and likely to leave negative reviews than positive reviews for restaurants, experiences, products and so forth. The Thai restaurant you usually go to every week, suddenly they missed the spring rolls in your order. You feel angry and want to change Thai restaurants even though this is the first thing to go wrong out of 20 orders.
    • You can remember and recall negative experiences more clearly and often than positive memories. It’s easy to remember the times you were heartbroken feeling numb, broken and crying non stop as opposed to the recent memory of you going to the beach with your friends.
    • You react more strongly to negative things that happen to you in the day as opposed to positive things. When someone compliments you, you shake it off and thank them, it hardly lingers on your mind vs someone spilling coffee on your white top. You immediately feel annoyed and shout out the person who spilt it. Weren’t they paying attention? What is wrong with them?
    • You will remember insults more than praise. You remember that moment that kid said you were fat and ugly even though nowadays you get told you’re beautiful and attractive but it’s hard to believe.

      The negativity bias was very useful for our cave man ancestors back in the day where as now not so much.

      The negativity kept cave men on alert…

      You are a cave man outside and hear the bushes behind you rustling.
      Was it the wind or a lion in the bushes moving around?
      Your brain says lion to keep you safe, it is better to be safe than sorry
       

    Your brain is lazy and values efficiency

    Your brain loves to be efficient after all it has so many things to do. Think about it your brain ensures you subconsciously breathe, blink and circulate blood without having to think about it. It uses so much energy to keep you alive therefore it likes repetition and easy that means comfortable.

    If you’re always complaining then your brain will latch onto this. The more you do it, the more it will happen automatically as your brain neurons work together. Your brain thinks why build a temporary bridge when I can build a permanent bridge since this human loves to do it all the time. So it does. As the saying goes:

     

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

    Therefore your brain loves to be comfortable at all costs including long term happiness. It likes to repeat thoughts you already always have even if they are negative because that’s easy.

    The brain is used to being in a comfort cocoon and any time you push it especially getting outside your comfort zone, the brain will panic.

    Working consciously to change your thoughts = effort = hard = brain likes to avoid.

    The 13 ways in which your brain lies to you

    1. Catastrophising

    Every little setback becomes a huge hurdle – it’s the sky is falling way of thinking. You make a problem more significant than it is and it is often the worst case scenario.

    An example of this is you go on a date with someone who doesn’t want a second date and you now believe you will never find love again in your life.

    2. All or nothing

    Everything is either black and white and you overlook the possibility that there’s a spectrum.

    An example you are either a success or a failure, whereas in reality most of us have a mix of successes and failures. 

    3. Arbitrary Inference

    Coming to conclusions without all the facts.

    For example someone hasn’t texted you back for 5 hours, they must not like you. Here you don’t know what the person is doing, what they may be going through, if they have access to a phone and so forth. 

    4. Perfectionism

     The need to relentlessly achieve very high standards immediately, mistakes are seen as fatal flaws and your brain does not acknowledge growth.

    An example is when trying something new and needing to be amazing immediately otherwise thinking you are a failure. 

    5. Discounting

    You are quick to point out negatives in any situation or turn positive ones negative.

    An example is she only complimented me because she feels sorry for me or they only did that because they want money.

    6. Personalisation

    Making everything about you even though it has nothing to do with you.

    That person doesn’t want to date me because I’m not good enough when really that person just got out of a long term relationship and isn’t ready to commit to anyone.

    7. Mind reading

    You think people can read your mind (that they should know what you want instead of you communicating it) such as your partner should know exactly what you want for your birthday and you also think you can mind read other people – your partner should know you like to get a morning text every day.

    8. Fortune Telling

    You think you can predict the future with certainty. 

    For example you get the text “we need to talk” and immediately you assume that someone wants to break up with you or if it’s from your boss you are going to get fired.

    9. Magnification

    You put more emphasis on the negative and downplay the positives such as you had an amazing road trip away but the light scratch on your car ruined it.

    10. Should

    Should rule your mind. Should are guilt beatings. The energy behind having to do something is draining. Replace your should with wants and feel the difference there.

    Examples of this:

    • I should eat more healthy food vs I want to eat more healthy food to have more energy.
    • I should wake up earlier vs I want to wake up earlier to do more before work.
    • I should exercise more vs I want to exercise more to be healthier and fitter.
    • I should save more money vs I want to save more money to buy a house and have security and safety.

    11. Confusion

    – “I don’t know” – my clients will laugh because they know I do not accept that answer in coaching. You know. You know.

    Confusion is a comfort indulging emotion. As discussed earlier our brain loves comfort!

    When you are confused you are in limbo, you don’t have to take responsibility for your decisions. 

    When you are confused, the longer you are confused, the more you are confused. 

    You are scared of what will happen when you make a decision, how you will feel, how you will think. So you stay “confused”.

    12. Automatic Negative Thoughts - ANTS

    Also known as ANTS. 

    Whilst these ANTS are based on your beliefs and perception which you can’t control on a subconscious level (without doing the work). 

    In fact they are a product of your doing, when you repeatedly allow negative thoughts and believe negative thoughts this becomes a very strong habit in your brain repeated day in and day out. You can take control through doing the work and challenging these thoughts and beliefs.

    This applies to anything whether it’s negative thoughts, putting yourself down etc

    13. Blaming

    remaining in a victim role and blaming who you are and your life on people or circumstances outside of yourself. Remember you are responsible for your thoughts, attitude and actions. Circumstances are neutral, your thoughts create your feelings, actions and results.

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 18: Your Brain Is A Liar

    Yeppp, these are all the ways in which your brain lies to you.

    It’s alarming.

    Be alert.

    Be aware.

    Be present.

    If you catch yourself doing it, you become conscious, awake.

    With that, what are you going to do with it. Will you believe the lies or choose to shed the light of truth on the darkness of the lies?

    Until next Tuesday beautiful soul, love and positivity. 

    [Episode 18 -Your Brain Is A Liar Outro]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

    Click here to read more

  • 10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier

    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier

    Learn the biological and evolutionary reason as to why you worry. Find out what it means to have a warrior mindset in addition to practical ways you can be a warrior not a worrier.

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • The biological and evolutionary reason why humans worry
    • What a warrior mindset means
    • Practical strategies to be a warrior not a worrier

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    Don’t let others or society define it for you, figure out what success is for you.

    Phi Dang

    Don’t let others or society define it for you, figure out what success is for you.

    Phi Dang

    Don’t let others or society define it for you, figure out what success is for you.

    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier

    You are listening to episode 10 of the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: How to be a Warrior not Worrier.

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 10 – How to Create and Have Success in 2021 Begins]

    Hello beautiful souls! How are you going today? So happy to have you join me on another episode of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    It’s been a busy start to 2021 for me with all things coaching and I wanted to shout out some of the incredible wins my clients are having.

    Shout out to M, after one week of coaching we are already seeing huge shifts. When we first spoke, he described feeling numb when it came to dating women and he’s already called in a second date with a lovely lady who’s stirred some feelings within him!

    Shout out to J, a long time client who I recently reconnected with, he is continuing to work through his journey of his past with his family and past relationships. He’s recently opened up new perspectives after feeling very stuck for the last couple of years.

    Shout out to another J, a new client who after one session she’s put into practice her insights from our session and made 3 new groups of friends and did a huge social media clean up, the final step of letting go of her recent break up and channeling all of that time and energy to herself and her growth. All amazing wins I am so happy to share!

    If you are thinking about working with me, I’d love to chat and be shouting out your inevitable wins on the podcast sometime soon too! Details in show notes as usual or you can connect with me on my website phidang.com or instagram @thephidang.

     

    On worry in relation to your family and self

    Today’s episode is titled “How to be a warrior, not a worrier”. I saw this quote online and it really resonated with me. It’s a gem of a quote and shifts your mindset to one of power and confidence – that is something that I am all about. 

    My parents, particularly my mum, used to worry about me and I feel this was exacerbated by the fact that I am an only child.They would worry about life in general – what’s going on in the world, reading newspapers daily and watching the news every night including all weather updates, having enough money to pay bills, being safe from danger (stay away from this, don’t do that) and so forth. The constant worrying was most certainly passed down to myself as a personality trait. 

    I still do worry from time to time but to be honest I don’t really any more as I have full faith and confidence in myself and my capabilities. However rewind time to even 3 or 4 years ago, when I was younger I used to worry a lot.

    Will he like me? Will I be alone forever? Will anyone want to date me?

    Will I pass this test? Will I get this job? Will I be stuck in this job forever?

    Is my outfit okay? Will people notice this on my face?
    Am I really sick? Will I die? Do I have cancer? Is what I have something that has no cure? 

    If I spend this money, will I get my money’s worth? What if I wasted my money?

    And the list goes on… in fact sometimes I would end up in worry loops about worry!

    Am I worrying too much? Worrying doesn’t help and I logically know that so why am I worrying? Is something wrong with me? And then it loops round and round.

    Are you nodding your head along? Your parents worried a lot? You worry a lot? There’s an actual reason as to why this is. Humans are wired to worry. Worrying is a part of human biology and human evolution.

    The biological and evolutionary reason why you worry and why humans worry

    Worrying itself is not a problem, in fact worrying serves a purpose: to keep you safe and process potential threats. Worrying is a problem when it interferes with your life, is acutely intense and lasts longer than it usually does for you. 

    The theories of immediate-return environment and the delayed return environment are used to explain why humans worry.

    Immediate-return environment

    Humans used to live in an immediate-return environment, 500 years ago – In reference to time and history, 500 years is relatively recent.

    Our worries were immediate in nature as cavemen lived a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Worrying was very useful in the moment as it helped us take action in the moment rather than later for survival. 

    Your stomach grumbles > you feel worried about food > you find food > your worry is relieved.

    Your mouth feels parched and dry > you haven’t drunk enough water today > you feel worried and dehydrated > you find water > your worry is relieved

    You hear a storm brewing > you worry about getting wet and being cold > you find shelter > your worry is relieved.

    You feel cold > you worry about dying > you light a fire > your worry is relieved.

    All of the actions you take deliver immediate results, gratification and therefore you lived in the present moment.

    In fact animals still live in an immediate-return environment. As Duke University professor Mark Leary put it, “A deer may be startled by a loud noise and take off through the forest, but as soon as the threat is gone, the deer immediately calms down and starts grazing. And it doesn’t appear to be tied in knots the way that many people are.”

    Delayed return environment

    Nowadays we live in a delayed return environment where our decisions don’t immediately benefit us in in the moment.

    Some examples for you. 

    When you work, you get paid either fortnightly or monthly. When you work hard, you don’t get promoted immediately, you do after hitting your key performance indicators over time.

    If you save money now, you’ll have enough for when you retire later in life.

    When you start exercising and eating healthier foods, you’ll see results over time, you don’t lose weight or get fit immediately. 

    The nature of a delayed return environment results in uncertainty as a great source of worry. There are no guarantees to most things we do and in fact most of the choices we make today won’t immediately benefit us. 

    Going to school and university doesn’t guarantee you’ll get a job.

    Going on a date doesn’t mean you will meet the one, your soul mate. 

    Investing in stocks, doesn’t guarantee you’ll make returns. 

    Put simply, our brain is not designed to solve the problems of a delayed return environment. Our environment and way of living has changed rapidly, but our brains have not. Our brain hasn’t evolved to live in a delayed return environment.

    Now you know the biological and evolutionary reason as to why we worry, let’s talk about being a warrior not a worrier.

    What is the Warrior mindset?

    Before I share how you can be a warrior, not a warrior, let me set up the stage, what is the warrior persona?

    A warrior triumphs whereas a worrier cowers. A warrior has the rock solid, unshakable belief in them-self. They know how to handle anything that comes their way. A warrior is brave, they are not afraid of the unknown and even if they are, they put themselves out there. They confront and face their fears. They are not scared of challenges because they know they will rise to the challenge. In fact, warriors embrace all opportunities to grow because they know they have so much to gain. Warriors win massive wars, by focusing on winning one small battle at a time.

    Now we’ve established the warrior persona, I’m going to share 5 ways how you can be a warrior not a worrier.

    5 ways on how to be a Warrior not a Worrier

    1. Recognise that behind every emotion including worry, lies a thought.

    Your emotions are a result of your thoughts. Therefore if you want to change your emotions, you have to change your thoughts. 

    Bring awareness to your thoughts. Consciously choose to accept and run with a thought or reject and deny a thought. 

    Slice through unhelpful thoughts like a warrior with your sword of evidence. 

    Our thoughts are often stories or assumptions we create so question the thought – is there factual evidence to support this thought or am I making something up?

    2. Focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot change.

    I have two great exercises to share with you to help. The first is the dichotomy of control circles.


    On a piece of paper you draw two circles. The first being what you can control and the second being what you can’t control. No point worrying about what you can’t control because nothing you do will influence it. A super simple exercise.

    The second exercise I have for you to be a warrior and not a worrier is the circles of control. On a piece of paper draw a giant circle, a circle within that and a small circle within that. All in all it looks like a bullseye.

    The centre is what you can control – the circle of control. This is all within you that you can directly control such as your thoughts, your behaviour, your attitude, your effort, your energy, your actions and so forth.

    The circle outside the centre circle is the circle of influence, what you can influence such as your network and relationships. Emphasis on influence – you can’t make or force it. For example you can talk to the people you know and try convince someone, if you’re looking at a promotion you can influence this by building strong relationships with colleagues, putting yourself out there for more projects to take on and so forth.

    The largest is everything else outside of your control and influence. For example things like a global pandemic like coronavirus, the weather, strangers you don’t know, traffic, the economy, policies, the media and so forth.

    Onto the third way to be a warrior and not worrier.

    3. Be strategic, have a game plan and take action.

    Always be prepared. Identify what worries you and create a solution to the worry. It’s not enough to just create the game plan, you also have to take action.

    For example, if you are worried about getting a job, create an actionable plan on how to get a job. Chunk it down so it’s not overwhelming. For example if you want to get a job you need to apply for jobs. In order to apply for jobs you need a cover letter and resume. Start there! When you break it down it’s not so intimidating. 

    Another example is if you are worried you won’t have a partner, create an actionable plan on how to get a partner. In order to have a partner, you need to go on dates. In order to go on dates, you need to meet people. People are candidates for partners. How do you meet people? You can do that by going outside your house or within your home through applications and websites.

    A game plan also involves having coping strategies for worry such as setting aside time to worry such as 10 minutes then moving on as an example and a support network you can turn to when it becomes all overwhelming.

    If you need help creating a personalised game plan, strategies to cope and support, let’s chat. I work with clients to create a specific, actionable plan with clear steps that can be measured in order to achieve their goals. 

    Whether that’s getting a promotion, changing jobs, finding a partner, becoming an entrepreneur to make money online – anything is possible. A life coach is all about life! Just to add, not many people know that as part of my coaching, you’ll have access to me Monday to Friday so I can answer any questions or concerns that pop up along your journey to hitting your goals and up levelling your self! 

    4. Believe in yourself

    You are an amazing person. You’ve gone through so many hard things, times you didn’t think you would make it yet here you are. 

    This wasn’t by accident or change, this is because of you. You are strong, you are smart, you are capable and you are resilient. You know how to overcome obstacles and challenges.

    In fact when a worry comes up, repeat this mantra: I am a warrior, not a warrior.

    5. Work on your strength

    I mean strength physically and in your mind.

    It’s well known that exercise can alleviate anxiety. Exercises alleviates stress, provides a beneficial distraction and boosts your feel good endorphins. The high from accomplishing exercise will fuel you to conquer not only workout but whatever else is on your mind too. Physically you’ll even start to take the form of a warrior by getting super fit.

    Mentally, to work on your strength is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Do something small everyday that makes you feel uncomfortable to work on your mental strength such as running for an extra 5 minutes to keep your heart-rate going or try a cold shower!

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier - Close

    To wrap it all up there are 5 ways to be a warrior not a worrier.

    1. Recognise that behind every emotion including worry, lies a thought.

    2. Focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot change.

    3. Be strategic, have a game plan and take action.

    4. Believe in yourself

    5. Work on your strength

    Be a warrior not a worrier! Every warrior has their teacher, so if you’re looking for your teacher, it would be an honour to be your teacher. 

    Thank you so much for joining me today beautiful souls. If you’ve enjoyed listening along, I would appreciate you sharing this with your friends or leaving a review, it would really help me to spread the word on personal development. 

    I’ll catch you next Tuesday with a new episode of the Grow Through It Podcast.

    Love and Positivity.

    [Episode 10 – How to Be a Warrior not  a Worrier Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

    Click here to read more

  • 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide

    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide

    This episode covers everything you need to know about the chaos and anxiety that can be Christmas. This episode provides practical tips and strategies to cope and have a calm Christmas. It covers everything from expectations, feeling distant from people, not physically being with your family and crazy families.

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • Expectations, what is reasonable and what is not
    • Worrying about Christmas and the future doesn’t usually help – how to make it so!
    • Set yourself up for a calm and drama free Christmas
    • The best things you can do to survive Christmas hint: prepare
    • Surviving family time together 
    • Coping mechanisms for Christmas
    • Feeling distant from family and loved ones
    • Not feeling good enough during Christmas
    • Difficult feelings that arise during Christmas
    • Being physically distant from family
    • Loss of family and Christmas
    • Crazy families

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide, Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 7: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide.

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Begins]

    Hi beautiful souls, can you believe it’s almost Christmas!? What a year it has been, we’ve had so much happen and here we are almost at the end of 2020. Thinking about Christmas, it brings so much joy to many people but for some it can also bring anxiety and sadness.

    For me it’s mixed. My dad passed away close to Christmas 7 years ago, so I often feel sad as I miss him and reflect upon that. In fact it was a few days ago and I have just come back from a weekend away. It was so nice to disconnect from everyday routine and social media in order to reconnect with myself.

    In honour of this experience and loss, I wanted to speak about the Christmas Holiday season which brings mixed feelings for many. The end of the year and time off work often gives us time to reflect as well which can bring up all sorts of feelings.

    Before I dive into it I want to give so much appreciation to you listening to this, so much love and positivity. If you are loving the podcast, please rate the podcast 5 stars and leave a review – it would help so much to spread the message on mindset, self love, energy, purpose and mental health. Huge shout out to Ash who said “I wish I had this podcast when I was younger!” – thank you so much Ash. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you can start at any time, at any age to change your life. 

    Now let’s told holiday season. When I asked about struggles with the holiday season on my Instagram, there were 4 things that came up that I am going to speak about today: Expectations, Feeling detached from friends and family in combination with not feeling like you are enough, not being with your whole family and crazy families.

    All of this sounds like stress, sadness and mental breakdowns. Fear not though, I’ve got you.
    I’m about to provide you with some practical tips and tools to get through these struggles to create a drama free holiday season that is easy and smooth.

    Let’s dive into it.

    Expectations

    It’s funny, the Christmas holiday period we all have this expectation that during this time it will be happy and merry and all problems will disappear. If only, this is life and this is reality, these days are just like any other except for the emphasis and expectations we put on it.

    Something that is discussed at The Life Coach School is that many of us aren’t aware that we have a manual that we have created based on our beliefs, experiences and upbringing. It’s a set of rules that we think everyone needs to abide by and how they should behave.

    Examples of this are:

    • My partner needs to buy me a Christmas present and they should know what I want 
    • My family must be kind and loving to me during Christmas no matter what
    • My friends must spend at least $100 on my Christmas present

    It’s interesting because we think these things but often we never actually express these expectations or thoughts to the people around us. 

    These manuals are so evident in our head, yet we never share. How can we expect someone to behave accordingly if they don’t know your expectation? If you don’t communicate your expectation, you are setting yourself and others up for failure.

    So what can we learn from this?

    Communicate clearly. Tell someone what you would like and explain why. Often when our needs aren’t met we will resent someone yet we don’t even tell them.

    People cannot mind read. 

    People act out of their own will and freedom. 

    Trust the person that if they love and care about you, they will be open to listening to what you want and then it’s up to them if they want to meet your need or not. Simple but we complicate things by not communicating clearly and keeping expectations in our head.

    Let’s also emphasise the clear part of communicate clearly. I think many of us are guilty for dropping hints or thinking someone is absorbing every little thing we say or do – not really. 

    Say it clearly so the person knows exactly what you want. You don’t have to feel weird, awkward, selfish or embarrassed. By doing this you are communicating clearly so that there aren’t mixed signals or hints that go missed because that would result in you getting upset and them dealing with the consequences of that. So really by doing this you are helping yourself and them.

    So when we have expectations, when we have our manual, we have to remember that the only person who can meet our needs that is in our control is ourselves. 

    We cannot control other people. As I mentioned before everyone acts out of their own will and freedom, I want that, you want that, so no one wants that taken away from them. Think about how hard it is for you to control and change yourself let alone someone else. We can’t expect others to do something we would not.

    Expectations on feelings

    Another expectation that pops up during Christmas holidays is the expectation of feeling. Feeling merry. Feeling jolly. Feeling generous. We are attached to the expectation of happy and celebration.

    I want you to remember that we aren’t meant to be happy all the time, in fact you don’t have to be happy all the time! Just because it’s Christmas it doesn’t mean you suddenly have to be happy just like any other time of the year. There’s no magic switch that says on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day everyone in the world will be happy and get along. Life doesn’t work life that, we are human! 

    If you are going to have expectations make sure they are reasonable and realistic – don’t go into the holidays with blinkers on, thinking it will be joyful and merry. If you go in expecting a few challenges may pop up you will feel better because when they happen they aren’t out of the blue. Be in acceptance, it’s when we resist we cause ourselves pain and heartache.

    In fact why not use it to your advantage? If you are expecting certain things will happen, use it to your advantage and be prepared ahead of time. 

    You get anxious about future feelings, feelings you don’t want to feel like being annoyed or upset. 

    How are these feelings created? Your thoughts.

    By worrying or being anxious about the future, you feel like you’re in control but you’re not. No worrying or anxiety about it will change it. Only your deliberate thoughts will.

    Expectations Scenario on Christmas - Comments on Weight

    Let’s use this scenario, I have an Aunt who often says to me that I’m looking chubby and I could lose a bit of weight. If I accepted what she says and take that on board, I feel terrible. I feel guilty that I’ve eaten a lot and in fact ashamed. This is a result of accepting her thought and running with it.

    Instead I choose to accept the thought because it’s her free will but I am not running with it.

    My aunt can can say what she wants, as ridiculous as it is, even if it’s not true and that’s okay. 

    When the moment happens I prepare myself. 

    I am expecting her to say that she think’s I’m chubby and that I need to lose weight and so instead of thinking yes she’s right and feeling ashamed, I’m going to to decide ahead of time to think: okay, she wants to say that, and that’s okay. Maybe it’s because when she was growing up people used to talk about her weight all the time and she’s super conscious of it mostly in herself. As a result that reflects in her view of others around her such as me. 

    With all this, I am going to make the decisions not to take her thought on board as my thought though. 

    If I believe what she says I am going to feel upset and ashamed. 

    Hence think-ception occurs. 

    I know what to think ahead of time that it’s a reflection of her upbringing and experiences and I don’t have to accept the thought. As a result I don’t feel upset and ashamed. If anything I feel compassion for her that would be a hard experience being ridiculed for your weight and in turn judging others upon your thoughts about weight.

    Instead of feeling upset and ashamed if I ran with her thoughts, I am to decide to embody and feel so much love and appreciation for my body as it is right now based on my thoughts.

    You can apply this principle to any feelings in life, not just holiday Christmas ones. It’s a useful tool to have, prepare your thoughts, prepare your feelings and prepare your results. 

    Feeling detached from friends and family, and not feeling good enough

    The holidays can be so hard when you don’t feel close to your family and friends. Being around them and talking about your lives, the year that’s been and what you are up to can be anxiety inducing. If you don’t feel enough, that will come up through these conversations.

    I want you to remember that no one can make you feel anything. I’ve said this time and time again that your thoughts create your feelings and in turn your actions or inaction leading to your results. If you are feeling detached or not enough it’s because you are thinking thoughts to make you feel that way.

    What thoughts can you have instead that make you feel more connection with the people you are around? If you think thoughts such as it is possible to find a connection than that will influence your actions. Perhaps you will get more involved in festivities or make more effort to strike a conversation with someone.

    Perhaps your thoughts lead you to define Christmas and the holiday season. What does it mean for you? Connection exists beyond the family and friends we spend time with. Do you want to contribute to the holiday season in a different way by perhaps volunteering? Or connecting with individuals online too? What meaning can you make of Christmas? 

    For some it may not even be about connection, it may be simply rest, for others it’s taking time for themselves or perhaps it’s about generosity and helping others in need.

    Further to that, the end of the year is always a time of reflection but I want you to know you are enough as you are. Right now. You don’t have to do anything to be enough. You are already enough as you are, you are a part of this amazing world, you are here living and breathing. You are enough. 

    You get to decide you are enough. You can decide right now you are enough. Being enough is self belief, you determine that no one else but you. Think about this sentence, “If I believed I were enough, I would ______”.

    I bet so much came up for you right? Start believing it! The only person who has the power to make you feel that you are enough is you, no one else! 

    The secret to being enough isn’t that you have to do something, to achieve something or to be a certain way truly it’s believing you are enough.

    Not being physically with your family during Christmas

    With the virus, it’s to be expected certain friends and family may not be around due to circumstances out of our control. Think about what is in your control? Your thoughts.

    Turning to gratitude is always a saving grace. What can you be thankful for such as the family and friend who you are able to be there with physically. Can you be thankful that if they are alive, at least they are although it’s sad they can’t be there with you? If they aren’t here, can you be grateful for the memories you did share together? 

    Can you do something in honour of people who are not present this year? My family put up a framed photo of my dad and leave him a plate of food.

    Alternatively is there a way to connect with them without them physically being there whether that’s a phone call or through a video chat? Whilst these will never replace being physically there, it does help with missing them.

    Be compassionate with yourself, it’s normal to miss people when we can’t be with them. What’s important is to be present and appreciative of the people that you can be with. After all some may be lonely out there without friends and family others grieving the loss of loved ones this year. 

    When it comes to loss, a holiday can sure amplify those feelings of loss or missing. Be sure to take care of yourself. To make time for yourself. I find journaling really helps to release your thoughts and feelings out of your head and body.

    Dealing with crazy families

    I think we can all attest to the fact we all have unique and different families. Families are made up different personalities and there’s always bound to be someone you deem crazy or hard to get along with.

    The first point of call on this topic is to remember that you can only control yourself, your own behaviour and thoughts. You can’t control anyone else. Even what you think is reasonable may not reasonable for them just like their thoughts of reasonable may not be for you.

    Most of the time, it’s only once a year you have to encounter these family members, so in the grand scheme of life that’s not too bad right? Can you be empathetic towards them, perhaps why they are acting the way they are? Can you tolerate it for one or two days of the year? 1 out of 365 thats such a tiny fraction of a percentage of your whole year.

    Another thing to note. When it comes to ‘crazy’ families its important to remember you don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like you. 

    If you don’t like everyone, why do you expect everyone should like you? 

    There is no rule that says you have to like your family. If you think it is, you are operating from your manual, your rule book. Connection is multifaceted. You may not like someone yet still love them or you may not like someone and not love someone. That’s okay!

    Another tip for crazy families is to go into the situation prepared going back to what I spoke about earlier in the podcast about expectations. Accept that the day may not go perfectly and that’s okay. Accept that there may be tension or awkwardness. Be prepared with a coping mechanism, whether that’s taking a walk if someone annoys you or taking 5 deep breaths before responding as examples.

    Additionally I think it’s important to note that whatever people say or do is a reflection of their world. It hasn’t got anything to do with you. It’s a reflection of their mind, their world, their manual. 

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide close

    Thank you for listening beautiful soul, I hope you found some useful insights for your Christmas Holiday. Merry Christmas and I hope you have a wonderful time.

    If you’re anticipating struggling with Christmas or many emotions being evoked post Christmas, let’s chat because I’m here to support. We can discuss your individual scenario to have you better prepared for Christmas and post Christmas. I have limited 1:1 coaching spots still available, so please get in touch if you are interested. You are not alone and I can help you.

    That’s it for this episode beautiful souls, I’ll chat to you next week for the last episode for the year where we will reflect on 2020! 

    [Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

    Click here to read more

  • 06: Forgiveness

    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness

    This episode covers everything you need to know about forgiveness. What truly is forgiveness, how to forgive using one powerful and free tool you already have, whether anything and everything is forgivable, how to forgive yourself and conundrums and quarrels that come up when forgiving.  

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • What truly is forgiveness
    • Misconceptions about forgiveness
    • How to forgive through practical tools and strategies
    • The magic question to ask yourself why it’s difficult for you to forgive
    • Why forgiving is important 
    • Practical example on forgiving (cheating in relationships and dating)
    • Is everything and anything forgivable? 
    • Conundrums and quarrels when forgiving
    • Why forgiveness might not even be a thing!

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    When you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful.

    Phi Dang

    Right now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.

    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness, Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 6: Forgiveness

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Begins]

    Hello hello beautiful soul, so happy you’re here! Another week, another new episode. How are you all feeling as it gets closer to Christmas? How fast has the year flown!? What a year it has been.

    Today’s episode is all about forgiveness. Thank you to Bee who submitted his thoughts on what he wanted to see on the podcast on my instagram – if you too have something you’d love for me to speak about please get in touch via my DMs or on my website. 

    If you didn’t know I had an Instagram – yes I do, I share on my instagram daily inspiration and motivation to live your best life and a behind the scenes of my coaching – juicy insights from sessions with my clients and of course the amazing results my clients have.

    I always get so excited to share this at it shows you what you can achieve when you work on yourself and when you invest in yourself.

     

    What are the wins my clients have been having lately?

    One of my clients absolutely aced her internship and was offered a job role after it! The real clincher? Her supervisors said what made her stand out was her mindset. Boom!

    Another one of my clients has let go of a relationship despite her fears and past coming out. We really worked through past trauma from previous relationships that showed up.

    Another client is a stunning model using her online platform after being bullied to help others and speak out against bullying – which is not okay at all.

    Another beautiful soul is moving past her fears of being judged and imposter syndrome to showing up on her Instagram community of 80,000 and building her business empire.

    So, so magical. I am so proud of them, there are many more wins but I could talk for a whole episode on that. If you’re interested in coaching, let’s chat as I would love to be here someday soon speaking about your wins!

    Segway into forgiveness

    So back to forgiveness, Bee said that he wanted to know more about forgiveness that allows for growth but is stunned by conundrums or quarrels with friends, family and strangers.

    So let’s dive into forgiveness. It’s a big topic. I want to flag in no way is forgiveness easy but it’s an important mental muscle to work on for your emotional health and wellbeing – more on that later in the podcast.

    What is forgiveness?

    There are many definitions but out of reading and researching several definitions, the main common thread between definitions is that forgiveness is a voluntary and internal process of letting go of negative feelings such as anger, resentment and bitterness and in turn the potential desire for revenge.

    Let’s break it down: voluntary – you have to decide, no one else can for you and the internal process of letting go – yes you have to use your thoughts to get to the destination: letting go.

    It’s a process – again it won’t just suddenly happen, you have to work through your thoughts and in turn your feelings to get there. Forgiveness is a journey to which you commit to.

    Forgiveness is actually quite stealthy. Forgiveness happens when you’re sleeping, when you’re brushing your teeth, when you’re journaling, when you’re making a cup of tea, when you’re making lunch, when you’re working… it’s happening not only on a conscious level but on a subconscious level too.

    Forgiveness isn’t easy or instant, like taking a pill or pushing a button. In fact forgiveness is like pushing a boulder up a hill – it will take work and it’s going to be hard. As Robert Muller says “Only the brave know how to forgive. A coward never forgives. It’s not in his nature.”

    Addressing the potential desire for revenge: your thoughts create your feelings so when you work on letting go of these negative feelings, the actions you wanted to take previously also change.

    That’s it. Simple but our brains make forgiveness complicated.

    Forgiveness is just as our earlier definition – a voluntary internals process of letting go of negative feelings. That’s all it is.

    Misconceptions about forgiveness

    Forgiveness doesn’t mean anything else but our brains create thought stories that say otherwise.

    • Forgiveness does not mean you forget what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not justify what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not mean you accept or condone what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not excuse the harm done.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that they were right and you were wrong.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that you trust them again.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that they are good person.
    • Forgiveness does not restore your full faith and trust in that person.
    • Forgiveness does not mean reconciling.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that person will still be in your life.

    All this other stuff is thoughts you are creating, stories you are creating.

    Summing it up forgiveness is for YOU, no one else by you, As Louis B Smedes say “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

    So how is forgiveness created?

    It’s all through your thoughts because your thoughts create your reality. They impact how you feel and in turn what actions you take or do not take that lead to a result.

    When you are in a position to be either thinking about forgiving someone, wanting to forgive someone or not forgiving someone you are in a state of negative thoughts and feelings right? Because if you weren’t feeling negative, you wouldn’t need to forgive someone.

    When it comes to other humans things are bound to be emotional as we are emotional beings. For example if you trip over a rock, you wouldn’t even be asking the rock for forgiveness would you? But let’s change the scenario what if someone you knew accidentally tripped you over?

    Given that your thoughts are linked to your feelings, I want to state the obvious.
    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.

    When you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful. Maybe you are giving them the silent treatment, ignoring them or maybe you are shouting at them and being short with them. Remember: resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

    Further on this, particularly on the feeling of resentment, it keeps you stuck in the past as you are constantly reliving the scenario, the thoughts and the feelings. Remember the past is a construct in your head, your mind and body doesn’t know. So when you keep reliving the thoughts and feelings, you are making your brain go through the experience over and over again. Right now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.

    So how do you forgive someone?

    It is important to have at the forefront of your mind the purpose of forgiveness. Ultimately forgiveness is for you. You not them. You. I mean, the person you are forgiving doesn’t even need to know you are forgiving them really, forgiveness is for YOU.

    As established earlier the path to forgiveness starts with your thoughts.

    Let’s go back to the definition of forgiveness, it is a voluntary process emphasis on that again voluntary process. Going back to episode 4 where I speak about mental fitness and taking your brain to the gym, think of forgiveness as an important muscle that is needed to keep your emotional self healthy and strong.

    First question is to ask yourself why do you feel angry, why do you feel resentful. Remember everything in life is circumstances and its your thoughts the create reality. So whilst you can say they did this to me or didn’t do this… really it’s your thoughts about the situation which create your feelings and behaviour.

    So what thoughts are you having about why you feel angry and resentful. In order to forgive someone, you have to change your thoughts. So figure out why you feel the way you do. The number one question I like to get my clients to ask themselves is “so what?”. That’s the magic question to delve deeper into your thoughts and feelings.

    Your ex cheated on you. So what? Now you feel like you’re not good enough and perhaps you are not good looking enough for them. Your thoughts are creating a story about someone else’s actions even though you can’t mind read! Since you can’t mind read, you are creating a story that you are self perpetuating. You will never truly know why someone does something but you are creating meaning through your thoughts.

    Your friend gaslit you. So what? You don’t know what’s real and what’s not. You are in a state of shock and you can’t believe it happened to me. How did you let this happen? As a result of your thoughts on their behaviour, you feel like you don’t trust yourself and you don’t feel confident about the decisions you are making. You question yourself a lot.

    Your business partner took all of your money. So what? Now you feel unstable and insecure. You don’t have enough money to buy that car you want and you may be struggling to pay for rent and groceries. You feel anxious and worried about money. Again the story here is it’s because your thoughts are blaming that person for taking all your money and putting you into negative feelings through feeling stressed about money.

    Your dad abandoned you when you were 8. So what? You feel unlovable and unworthy, you feel that it is your fault that he left. Now you are older and wiser, have you ever had the thought that the way your dad is has nothing to do with you. Maybe he left because of his own fears of being a terrible dad. Maybe he left because he had a horrible gambling addiction and didn’t want you in the mix.

    It’s all about being aware of how your thoughts are creating your feelings about this person. Your thoughts are making you suffer and feel wronged. If you think different thoughts, you will have a different outcome.

    Forgiveness scenario: Cheating in relationships and dating

    Let’s take the cheating scenario as it is a common one and I have been cheated on through my own life experiences.

    You can choose to have the thoughts oh this says something about me, I’m not loveable enough, I wasn’t a good partner, I am not good enough and blame your partner, they ruined your life and so forth. That makes you feel tired, angry, resentful, awful to be honest or you can choose to have the thoughts oh this says nothing about me and everything about them.

    The relationship has unfolded the way it was meant to, nothing lasts forever, this chapter is closed and I’m ready to move forward and have a partner who values commitment and loyalty. You don’t feel angry anymore. You don’t feel resentful anymore. No more bitterness. Initially it will likely be working through sadness and betrayal but then feeling so hopeful and excited to move forward with your life.

    It’s all in the thoughts.

    It can also help to seperate the actions from the person who did what they did. For example good people do bad things – it’s not black and white. We have all made mistakes or done things we aren’t proud of but that doesn’t mean we are bad people overall. In fact there are more good people who make mistakes and do “bad things” vs bad people overall.

    One thing to also keep in mind is hurt people, hurt people. There is often a reason as to why someone has done something.

    The person that cheats on someone is because they feel lonely and insecure. It doesn’t make cheating right, but we can see why they did it and we are separating the action from the person.

    The person that scams people out of money because they needed to feed their family and keep a roof over their head. Again, not right but we can see why they did it and have some empathy.

    Empathy is a useful aid in forgiving someone. Can you put yourself in their shoes to understand why they did it?  Can you image the other as an innocent child needing love and support? How would you like to be treated if you made a mistake?

    One important thing to remember is that forgiveness is truly about your feelings and not your actions. You aren’t really forgiving someone if you are taking actions to say that you are for example saying “it’s okay now, I forgive you” and then you are still harbouring feelings of anger and resentment deep down inside. Telling someone you forgive them not akin to being forgiving unless its truly about the feeling.

    Sometimes we don’t forgive someone because you want to hold onto anger and resentment, thinking that you are punishing them. Like I said earlier, no you holding onto the feelings of anger and resentment is like taking poison and waiting for them to die. The only person you are hurting is yourself. You are giving this person or people too much power over your life.

    Not only that you can forgive and move on. Forgiving doesn’t automatically mean your feelings shift from anger and resentment to forgiveness and then it’s like nothing happened and you continue to see the person or interact with them. It’s your life and its your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with.

    Questions on forgiveness.

    Is anything and everything forgivable?


    The answer is yes because going back to the definition of forgiveness at the beginning of this episode it’s a voluntary process. You choose. You decide. There are instances of people forgiving those who have wronged them such as murdering a loved one or killing their family. It’s up to you.

    Another common theme that comes up with my coaching clients is what about if the person I am trying to forgive is myself?

    It’s the same process as outlined earlier with they key being:
    1) You are not your actions
    2) Empathy for yourself – you are human. We all make mistakes. We have all done things we aren’t proud of. It’s a part of being human.

    Self forgiveness is hard as the mistakes you make often become attached to underlying beliefs you have. Your brain uses it as evidence for a self fulfilling prophecy. If your brain thinks your bad with money guess what? It’ll interpret every action you do with money as bad. 

    You could invest $2,000 in coaching to transform your life, get unstuck and move forward with your life but since you think you’re bad with money, your brain will weave a story that you’re bad with money – it’s not an investment, you’re just frivolously spending when you’re not.

    Also ask yourself what does hating yourself and punishing yourself do? Not much. It would be more productive to take actions to improve and learn from the experience right?

    That’s why it’s great to work with someone to delve deep into these beliefs you may not be aware of – it’s something I do often with my clients. Most of the time my clients aren’t conscious of it but when I listen, I guide them to piece all their jigsaw pieces together so they become aware of it.

    Conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness.

    Diving into Bee’s question, who initially asked what about conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness. What I can tell you is that you learn a lot about yourself and others when you disagree on something. Are you being constructive, coming from a place of love and understanding or is it destructive? Resorting to actions like shouting and criticising someone?

    I want everyone to remember, not every one thinks like you. We live lives from our prospective, we are the frame of reference in the same way everyone else does to them. Other people have their frame of reference. You are the way you are because of your values, your family, your beliefs, the way you were raised, your life experiences – no one person has the exact identical experiences therefore we all see the world differently. 

    Whenever I get frustrated that people can’t see my point of view I remember that. For example I get frustrated when people don’t make the most out of life and they just stay in a rut and that’s because I experienced my dad passing away at a young age which made me realise life is fragile there is no guarantee. So I don’t like to waste my time, especially being stuck.

    Before that YOLO (you only live once) was just a phrase to me and a concept I understood theoretically but until I truly experienced it through a life event – that’s when my perspective shifted. 

    So when someone is stuck, I can help them and I can say and do all these things but ultimately its up to that person to decide to get unstuck and to get help. Very much like my clients, I can guide them, give them the tools but ultimately they are the ones who will get themselves unstuck.

    When you quarrel or argue without someone, ask yourself, what is my true intention here. Are you trying to get a message across to help or are you trying to be right? Is your ego inflating itself being like “I have to be right, I have to have the last say?”.

    I would also ask yourself is the quarrelling worth it? Quarrelling can be very draining and toxic to your energy and you can also lose a relationship over it. Is what you are fighting about worth it? Ask yourself what is worth more to you, inner peace or being right?

    I love these quotes to further reinforce my point. Firstly by Amit Kalantri, “Ultimately all kinds of fights end at forgiveness.” Secondly by Byron Katie, ““Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.”

    Radical thought: Forgiveness does not need to exist

    Speaking of Byron Katie, she is a is huge pioneer in the field of forgiveness.

    In fact she says “Forgiveness is the discovery that what you thought happened, didn’t.”

    This is a radical thought to drop in your mind.

    In short what she is saying is that we create conditions for how life should be and unfold so when these conditions are broken by someone else we demand forgiveness.

    Mind blowing but so true. Simple. There are no rules, there are no set ways to behave – we create this in our mind through our thoughts. Thoughts are truly so powerful.

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgivness close

    What a way to end this episode, a true journey on all things forgiveness. Summing it up forgiveness starts in your thoughts, your mindset.

    Are you are you struggling with forgiving in your life whether it’s with others or yourself? Want help learning step by step how to change your thoughts? Change your thoughts and change your life.

    I have limited 1:1 coaching spots left. With 2021 on the horizon, get help and improve your life now. Not in 2021. Now! Links in the show notes on how to contact me and work together.

    Thank you so much for listening beautiful soul. The next two episodes of the podcast I’ve decided will be about our feelings towards Christmas and coping with the holiday season and of course reviewing and reflecting about your year as we gear up for a brand new year, 2021!

    Wishing you inner peace always. Chat to you next Tuesday. Love and Positivity.

    [Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

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