A guide on how to use love languages
An introduction on how to use love languages
With my deepest love and sincerity, it is my hope this guide will help you learn how to use love langauges.
Love langauges will help you better understand your partner and as a result improve how you communicate. It is important to note they can also help you understand yourself.
What are love languages?
Whilst love is a universal language, there are various branches within the expansive force that is love. Love languages are a powerful resource to understand how your partner likes to receive love.
They also assist in helping us to better understand ourselves and how to communicate to our partner what makes us feel appreciated. Their origins are from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Why are love languages important?
They help us:
+ Deepen our connection with our partner
+ Understand our partner and show love in a meaningful way
+ Communicate our desires and needs within a relationship
+ To be thoughtful, attentive and mindful of our partner
+ Strengthen the bond with our partner
+ Maintain a close and intimate relationship with our partner
What are the love languages?
- 1. Words of affirmation
- 2. Quality time
- 3. Receiving gifts
- 4. Acts of service
- 5. Physical touch
A quick summary of the love languages:
- 1. Words of affirmation: These tacos taste delicious, thank you!
- 2. Quality time: Lets go get tacos together on Friday night.
- 3. Receiving gifts: Here, I have some tacos for you because you mentioned how much you were craving them the other night.
- 4. Acts of service: I made you some tacos because I can see you don’t have time to make lunch.
- 5. Physical touch: Let me wrap my arms around you like a taco.
Love Language: Words of affirmation
Using our words to build our partner up. It is important to be authentic and genuinely mean what we say. The intention and emotion further support what we say.
Recognising the words of affirmation love language:
+ They smile ear to ear when praised or told compliments.
+ Love public acknowledgement.
+ Often show appreciation
+ Enjoy sentimental posts and acknowledgement on social media
It is important to note if your partner has the love language of words of affirmation:
+ Acknowledge and validate how our partner feels.
+ Be their biggest supporter and encourage them to be their best selves in a loving and respectful manner.
+ Be mindful of what we say and how it is said (tone, use of words, timing, attitude etc.)
Examples of what to say to show love to your partner who has the love language of affirmation of words:
+ I really appreciate having you in my life.
+ I am so lucky to have you as my partner.
+ Wow you look incredible.
+ I believe in you. You’ve accomplished so much in your life and you will continue to do so!
+ I can completely understand why you would feel that way.
+ I hear you.
Examples of actions to show love to your partner who has the love language of affirmation of words:
+ Talk to them directly face to face.
+ Compliment them.
+ Write them a love note.
+ Surprise them with a heart felt text message.
+ Speak highly of them to family, friends, colleagues etc.
+ Use a sincere and loving tone at all times.
+ Be vocal in the bedroom.
Avoid these actions if your partner has the words of affirmations love language:
– Criticising your partner with strong, aggressive language e.g. expletives.
– Failing to recognise what they do for you.
– Insulting your partner such as name calling.
After conflict with your partner who has the words of affirmations love language?
+ A sincere and heart felt apology face to face acknowledging and taking responsibility for your actions.
+ Reminding them why you love them so much through your words such as a handwritten letter.
+ Writing a poem on why you appreciate them.
Love Language: Quality time
Time is not only invaluable, it is irreplaceable. It is one of the most precious gifts we can give anyone. The love language of quality time means to give your partner your full, undivided attention, to prioritise them and to share rich experiences together.
Recognising the love language of quality time:
+ They use a diary, planner or calendar to organise their schedule and week.
+ They aren’t easily distracted.
+ They make time for loved ones such as travelling far distances to visit, rearrange their schedule, plan in advance etc.
+ Feel enriched and nourished by experiences.
Actions your partner will love if they have the love language of quality time:
+ Plan a day trip or weekend away
+ Go for a holiday together
+ Cook dinner together
+ Go for a walk together
+ Take a moment to ask how their day was to spark a meaningful conversation
+ Give them your full presence by putting your phone away, turning off the TV etc.
Avoid these actions if your partner enjoys quality time:
– Distractions such as constantly using your phone
– Failing to prioritise and make time for them
– Going a long time without seeing them
– Not making eye contact
– Failing to actively listen
– Ignoring your partner, stonewalling, the silent treatment.
After conflict with your partner who values quality time?
+ Plan a date night
+ Engage in quality conversation
+ Be deliberate with your time
Love Language: Receiving gifts
Expressing your love with a thought out item which symbolises love and appreciation. It is not to be confused with materialism, the price of the item is not the value of the gift. It is about the sentiment of the gift. A token of affection. It is about putting yourself in their shoes to show them how attentive you are. It truly is the thought that counts.
Recognising the love language of receiving gifts:
+ They give sentimental gifts e.g. custom items, handmade items, antique items.
+ Spoil people with gifts.
+ Bring back souvenirs from holidays.
+ Enjoy shopping.
+ Always have wrapping paper, ribbon, gift bags, gift tags and cards on hand.
How to make your partner feel loved if they value receiving gifts:
+ Take notice of what makes them smile and sparks joy. What do they mention in passing?
+ Personalising gifts
+ Surprise gifts such as flowers
+ A homemade card or scrapbook
+ An item that can be worn everyday as a daily reminder of love such as jewellery
Avoid:
– Forgetting a special occasions such as your anniversary, birthdays and Valentine’s Day
– Awkward timings of gifts e.g. a grand gesture early on in the relationship
After conflict with someone who values gift receiving?
+ A token of love. Even better it could be something sentimental and dear to them.
Acts of service
Actions speak louder than words. Help alleviate stress and spark joy in their lives, by sharing the responsibilities of life with your partner.
Your partner has the love language of acts of service if they have:
+ They have discussed or set up a plan to share chores.
+ They always thank you after you have helped around the house and tell you how much they appreciate it.
+ The undertake household tasks without you asking.
+ Spend lots of time undertaking tasks.
+ Speak about how much they have to do.
How to make your partner feel loved if they have the love language of acts of service:
+ Proactively notice tasks that need to be done.
+ Household chores such as taking out the rubbish, tidying any mess, vacuuming and mopping the floors, cleaning the bathroom, ironing, folding the laundry etc.
+ Making dinner when they’re home late because of work.
+ Making a coffee in the morning when they are rushing to work.
Avoid these actions if their love language is acts of service:
– Failing to follow through with what you promise to do.
– Being ambivalent.
– Not being there for your partner to support.
– Being lazy.
– Creating more work for your partner e.g. spilling something and not cleaning it up, leaving dishes at the sink etc.
After conflict with someone who has the love language of acts of service?
– Taking action to change behaviours based on their feedback.
Physical touch
How to recognise if your partner has the love language of physical touch:
+ They enjoy PDA; public displays of affection such as holding hands and kissing in public.
+ Enjoy massages.
+ Smile ear to ear when you kiss or hug them.
+ Give firm, lingering hugs.
+ Always greet you with a kiss.
+ Enjoy cuddling and spooning.
+ Frequently lovingly touch you e.g. light touches on your leg, running their hands on your back or through your hair
How to make your partner feel loved if their love language is physical touch:
+ Holding hands.
+ Kissing.
+ Touching.
+ Hugging.
+ Massages.
+ Spooning.
+ Sexual Intercourse.
+ Initiating touch.
+ Dancing together.
Avoid these actions if your partner has the love language of physical touch:
– Long moments of time without intimacy.
– Withholding affection.
– Physical neglect or abuse.
After conflict with your partner who has the love language of physical touch?
– Cuddling. Holding each other without speaking.
– Make up sex.
In conclusion about love languages:
Love languages help us identify how to best love our partner. They also help us understand our own love language so that we are able to communicate to our partners on how to best love us.
Further resources:
A quiz to understand what love language you are 5 Love Languages
Frequently asked questions such as if your love language changes as you get older?
Do love languages actually matter? Psychologists weigh in – Mic
