Month: December 2020

  • 08: 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 – A Year Like No Other

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    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 08: 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 - A Year Like No Other

    2020 has been a year like no other. In this episode I share 20 eye opening lessons I learnt in 2020 covering mindset, perspective, energy, self love and purpose.

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • Insights from a life coach (myself) on what I’ve learnt in 2020, a year like no other dealing with the global pandemic: Coronavirus. 
    • An opportunity for meaningful reflection along side me
    • Discussing new perspectives and opportunities 2020 brought us
    • What is positivity

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    There are no guarantees in life so live each moment in the present. Enjoy it, savour it and appreciate it. You never know when something as simple as breathing outside without a mask on or toilet paper could be taken away from you.


    Phi Dang

    Change isn’t dependent on time, change is dependent on actions.

    Phi Dang

    Why are you so happy to spend money on others, on clothes, on cars, on houses, on vacations, on experiences yet you squirm at the thought of directly investing in yourself?

    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 08: 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 - A Year Like No Other - Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 8 of the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 – A Year Like No Other.

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 08 – 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 – A Year Like No Other]

    Hello beautiful souls! 

    In less than a few days, a year like no other 2020, will wrap up and tick over to 2021. A year that started off with bushfires and floods in Australia, to a global pandemic that is still on going. Can I first just say if you are listening, congratulations on how far you’ve made it through 2020 and how incredible you are doing? Give yourself a pat on the shoulder and celebrate. It has been a tough year!

    When 2020 comes to mind, many will be quick to label it as horrible, the worst but as the Positivity Queen, I’m here to remind you that 2020 hasn’t been all bad. In fact so many beautiful things have happened. 



    We’ve seen people and communities come together to support one another. 



    We’ve seen people slow down and have time to realise what is truly important to them.

    We’ve seen people connect in ways we haven’t seen before.



    We’ve seen beautiful acts of generosity for one another through donations and volunteering.

    We’ve seen the fight for equality and justice rise to the mainstream through the Black Lives Matter Movement.

    We’ve seen Kamala Harris become the first female, first Black, first South Asian US Vice President-Elect.

    We’ve seen incredible essential workers recognised for what they do and all they do.


    We’ve seen greater flexibility than ever before with the working from home revolution.



    We’ve seen carbon emissions fall by the largest amount ever recorded.

    Phi's 2020

    For me personally, 2020 has been a rollercoaster like many.

    The thing I am most grateful was is time! 

    I had time to start an Instagram page on mental health which led me to become a Confidence and Clarity Life Coach. Words truly cannot describe the gratitude and love I have for my clients. 

    Two recent testimonials I received truly touched my heart and soul.

    “You have had the biggest impact on my life Phi. I would not be where I am mentally without you. I am starting to trust my own judgement and enjoy being in my own head again. I am so much more confident in so many ways and owe it all to you”

    “In a time where my thoughts were cloudy and I wasn’t sure how to navigate the next chapter of my life, Phi was there to provide support and guidance. Thanks to Phi, I have achieved so much in the past two months, by following the advice Phi gave me I am thinking healthier thoughts and working wards being the best version of myself. I couldn’t recommend Phi enough for her honesty, mentorship, ways of coaching, she really has changed my life for the better”

    Reflecting upon 2020, I have helped my clients ramp up their self love and realise their self worth, clients kickstart businesses from self care goods to coaching, forgive those who have hurt them whether it’s family, friends or even themselves, move on from exes and relationships which caused heartache and pain, find love and get into relationships that feel so damn good and nourishing, sleep easier at night, excel in their internships, move on from jobs that kept them feeling stuck and stale… truly a testament to the power that is life coaching. 

    The power of life coaching

    Life coaching is life changing. 

    Life coaching is a powerful investment in you.

    Your brain is truly your greatest asset, but it doesn’t come with a manual on how to use it. A life coach like myself can help you harness the power of this amazing tool that you already have. To learn practical tips and strategies so you can achieve your goals whilst feeling clear, confident and empowered. 

    Coaching creates so much more in your life, for my clients that’s more self love, more self belief, more self trust, more money, more love, more happiness, more confidence, more clarity… it truly adds so much to your life.

    If you are interested in upleveling your mind and your life, let’s chat. I would love to help and support you. Let’s make 2021 your greatest year yet!

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 08: 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 - A Year Like No Other - Episode Set Up

    Now to the 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 – A Year Like No Other. As I discuss the 20 lessons, I would love for you to actively reflect along.

    What are your thoughts on what I’m saying, does it resonate with you?

    Would you add anything else to what I’m saying? Use this time listening to this podcast to be purposeful with your reflection. 

    Number 1: There is no good or bad, only circumstances. It’s your thoughts that make something good or bad.

    One of the core pillars of mindset work is understanding the power of our thoughts, we have 60,000 a day! 

    Most of the time we aren’t aware and conscious of them, we run on autopilot and let them do their thing. 

    This is why I love coaching because I teach my clients to be conscious of their thoughts and the power of our thoughts. 

    As earlier in the podcast – what do you think of 2020? Well it’s up to you. If you focus on the positive, guess what in your reflection 2020 was an amazing year! Conversely if you focus on the negative, 2020 was a horrible year.

    Number 2: There are no guarantees in life yet we have many expectations. 


    2020 truly showed us that anything can change and happen at any time. 

    In life we expect so much. 

    We expect to have a job. We expect to celebrate occasions such as birthdays and weddings with loved ones. We expect to wake up everyday. We expect we will be healthy always. We expect to be able to exercise outside anytime and anyway we want. We expect to be able to dine out in restaurants. We expect to have access to basics like food and toilet paper. 

    2020 truly flipped this on its head. There are no guarantees in life so live each moment in the present. Enjoy it, savour it and appreciate it. You never know when something as simple as breathing outside without a mask on or toilet paper could be taken away from you.

    Number 3: Instead of 2020 being the year we got everything we wanted, it turned out to be the year we appreciate everything we already had.

    Gratitude truly is a magnet for more abundance in our lives. Further to that it takes absence to truly appreciate presence. 

    Number 4: Planning is a privilege.

    2020 saw so many plans shifted, sidelined or cancelled. Being able to plan ahead is a privilege because we expect most things to remain unchanged and that we are secure. 

    The fact we can expect things to remain the same without major changes is a privilege. 2020 forced us to be flexible and adapt to ever-changing circumstances.

    So many people in the world live this way that we never even think of: those who are chronically ill, disabled, in poverty = they cannot plan ahead like we do for they don’t know how much energy, time, money, resources they may have in a week yet alone a month or year.

    Number 5: You don’t need a lot of time for change to occur.



    Now this is a good or bad thing depending on how you see it. I want to offer you a perspective.

     In a matter of months, the pandemic changed everyone’s life globally. 

    What can you do in a matter of  months? 

    Change isn’t dependent on time, change is dependent on actions. In a matter of months my clients have left jobs and found new ones, let go of old relationships and start a new relationship, went from hating themselves to liking themselves – What can you do in months? Minutes? Seconds?

    Number 6: You are stronger than you think.

    Look back at all the days this year you thought you may not make it through, that it would break you but here you are. Still standing. Stronger than ever. Wiser than ever. More resilient than ever. You are living through a more often than not, once in a lifetime global pandemic.

    Number 7: Health is Wealth. Your mental health matters just as much as your physical health. 


    Your health isn’t a given, it’s a privilege. Just like you regularly work out at the gym or exercise, don’t forget to invest time, energy and money into your mental health. Without your mental health you can’t live life or even go to the gym if you wanted to. Build inner peace or fall to outer chaos.

    Number 8: Focus on what is in your control… Learn to adjust your sails because you have no control over the wind. 


    Whilst you couldn’t control the pandemic happening, what could you control? Your attitudes towards it. Your perspective on it. What you did with the time given through it. Did you see it as opportunity? Did you see it as abundance? 

    Number 9: 2020 wasn’t about cancelling, 2020 was about awakening.



    Weddings were cancelled, but love was not.
    Gatherings were cancelled, but friendship was not.
    Parties were cancelled, but celebrating was not. 
    Gigs and festivals were cancelled, but music was not.
    Gyms were cancelled but fitness was not. 
    Cinemas were cancelled but movies were not.

    Number 10: In life you are either the pilot or the passenger.

    So who are you?

    Is life happening for you or to you?

    It’s a matter of perspective.

    If something is in your control it means you can change it, you have the power. Apply this to your areas of life. 

    Did the pandemic drive your life or did you thrive during a pandemic?

    Number 11: You are the most valuable investment you will ever make.



    Why are you so happy to spend money on others, on clothes, on cars, on houses, on vacations, on experiences yet you squirm at the thought of directly investing in yourself?

     Whether that’s self care through time of work or investing in life coaching to help you understand and reprogram your thoughts? 

     You are the most valuable investment you will ever make. 

    Yes it can feel scary to do so but yes it is worth it. 

    You are worthy. You are a priority. Don’t forget to make time, money, energy and effort for yourself too. 

    Number 12: Your worth is not measured by your productivity.

    It’s not what you do. It’s not what you accomplish. It’s not what you create.  It’s not what you produce. In fact you don’t have to do anything or be anything to be worthy. You are already worthy as you are right now.

    Number 13: Love loudly.

    The Coronavirus may have prevented us from hugging and embracing each other but that doesn’t mean we don’t love. You also never know when someone you love may pass so never miss a chance to tell and show someone you love them. Why are we so scared of feeling? To feel is to be human. 

    Number 14: You need a lot less than you have.

    In 2020, I thought I needed to go to travelling to Japan when really all I needed was to take time off work and spend time with my family.

    In 2020, I thought I needed to eat at all the newest and trendiest restaurants when really all I needed was food to eat.

    In 2020, I thought I needed to get promoted and paid more at work when really all I needed was a job and stable income.

    In 2020, I thought I needed to new outfits to wear going out and get snapped in when really all I needed was clothes to wear at home (hello sweatpants and oversized tees!)

    In 2020, I thought I needed to do more and achieve more when really all I need was rest and relax.

    Number 15: Your house can be your oyster.

    In 2020, our houses became more than our homes. We turned our homes into offices, makeshift gyms, art and yoga studios, cinemas, gourmet kitchens, trendy bars. We adapted our homes to meet our needs, we became more resourceful.

    Number 16: Happiness isn’t complicated, it can be found in the simple things.


    Fresh air outside. Sunshine. The ocean. Seeing someone you love in person. Breathing. Cuddling your pet. Hugging a loved one. Reading a book. Having a roof over your head. Reconnecting with old friends. Indoor dance parties. 

    Number 17: There is always a silver lining.

    Redundancies launched new businesses, created side hustles, turned side hustles into full time hustle.

    Reduced work time meant more time for parents to spend time with kids, more time for your partner, more time for your family, more time to reconnect with old friends.

    Less global movement meant more animals homes saved, a healthier and happier environment with less emissions. 

    Not being able to dine out meant we appreciated simple things like eating outside of our homes. Supporting small, local businesses. 

    Number 18: Struggling doesn’t mean you are failing.

    In fact it means the opposite. Struggling means trying. Trying is not failure. 

    When you try, it means you are putting in effort and energy. 

    It means you are giving what you have, you are doing what you can. 

    You could simply do nothing at all, that is failure, to not even try. 

    Where there is struggle, there is growth. Where there is growth, there is also success. Keep going!

    Number 19: Have multiple sources of income.


    When we go to high school or even university, never does anyone outrightly talk about money and finances, not in my experience. 

    If you subscribe to society’s timeline it’s have a good job and career. It doesn’t tell you what to do if a pandemic happens and you lose your job or your pay gets reduced. If you’ve been living pay check to pay check where is your money going to come from? 

    2020 is truly the year I opened my eyes to my finances and realised this. Don’t just rely on your job for income, where else can you turn to whether it’s stocks, money from rentals, a side-hustle, savings etc.

    Number 20: Happiness is a mood. Positivity is a choice, mindset and lifestyle.


    It truly is that simple, it is up to you.

    What are you choosing to focus on?
    Are you choosing to be grateful?

    Are you choosing to be thankful?
    Are you seeing the good in everything?

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 08: 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 - A Year Like No Other - Close

    If it’s one thing 2020 reaffirmed, we never stop learning and growing from our experiences.

    Thank you so much for listening beautiful soul.

    I hope you enjoyed the last episode of Grow Through It with Phi Dang for 2020 and the rest of your year.

    Before we part ways, I’m about to tell you the mantra and energy we are bringing into 2021.

    Are you ready?

    You don’t need to get ready for 2021 because 2021 has to get ready for you!

    Speak to you in the new year beautiful soul, love and positivity. 

    [Episode 08 – 20 Eye Opening Lessons Learnt in 2020 – A Year Like No Other: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

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  • 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide

    Podcast: Play in new window | Download

    Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS

    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide

    This episode covers everything you need to know about the chaos and anxiety that can be Christmas. This episode provides practical tips and strategies to cope and have a calm Christmas. It covers everything from expectations, feeling distant from people, not physically being with your family and crazy families.

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • Expectations, what is reasonable and what is not
    • Worrying about Christmas and the future doesn’t usually help – how to make it so!
    • Set yourself up for a calm and drama free Christmas
    • The best things you can do to survive Christmas hint: prepare
    • Surviving family time together 
    • Coping mechanisms for Christmas
    • Feeling distant from family and loved ones
    • Not feeling good enough during Christmas
    • Difficult feelings that arise during Christmas
    • Being physically distant from family
    • Loss of family and Christmas
    • Crazy families

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide, Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 7: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide.

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Begins]

    Hi beautiful souls, can you believe it’s almost Christmas!? What a year it has been, we’ve had so much happen and here we are almost at the end of 2020. Thinking about Christmas, it brings so much joy to many people but for some it can also bring anxiety and sadness.

    For me it’s mixed. My dad passed away close to Christmas 7 years ago, so I often feel sad as I miss him and reflect upon that. In fact it was a few days ago and I have just come back from a weekend away. It was so nice to disconnect from everyday routine and social media in order to reconnect with myself.

    In honour of this experience and loss, I wanted to speak about the Christmas Holiday season which brings mixed feelings for many. The end of the year and time off work often gives us time to reflect as well which can bring up all sorts of feelings.

    Before I dive into it I want to give so much appreciation to you listening to this, so much love and positivity. If you are loving the podcast, please rate the podcast 5 stars and leave a review – it would help so much to spread the message on mindset, self love, energy, purpose and mental health. Huge shout out to Ash who said “I wish I had this podcast when I was younger!” – thank you so much Ash. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you can start at any time, at any age to change your life. 

    Now let’s told holiday season. When I asked about struggles with the holiday season on my Instagram, there were 4 things that came up that I am going to speak about today: Expectations, Feeling detached from friends and family in combination with not feeling like you are enough, not being with your whole family and crazy families.

    All of this sounds like stress, sadness and mental breakdowns. Fear not though, I’ve got you.
    I’m about to provide you with some practical tips and tools to get through these struggles to create a drama free holiday season that is easy and smooth.

    Let’s dive into it.

    Expectations

    It’s funny, the Christmas holiday period we all have this expectation that during this time it will be happy and merry and all problems will disappear. If only, this is life and this is reality, these days are just like any other except for the emphasis and expectations we put on it.

    Something that is discussed at The Life Coach School is that many of us aren’t aware that we have a manual that we have created based on our beliefs, experiences and upbringing. It’s a set of rules that we think everyone needs to abide by and how they should behave.

    Examples of this are:

    • My partner needs to buy me a Christmas present and they should know what I want 
    • My family must be kind and loving to me during Christmas no matter what
    • My friends must spend at least $100 on my Christmas present

    It’s interesting because we think these things but often we never actually express these expectations or thoughts to the people around us. 

    These manuals are so evident in our head, yet we never share. How can we expect someone to behave accordingly if they don’t know your expectation? If you don’t communicate your expectation, you are setting yourself and others up for failure.

    So what can we learn from this?

    Communicate clearly. Tell someone what you would like and explain why. Often when our needs aren’t met we will resent someone yet we don’t even tell them.

    People cannot mind read. 

    People act out of their own will and freedom. 

    Trust the person that if they love and care about you, they will be open to listening to what you want and then it’s up to them if they want to meet your need or not. Simple but we complicate things by not communicating clearly and keeping expectations in our head.

    Let’s also emphasise the clear part of communicate clearly. I think many of us are guilty for dropping hints or thinking someone is absorbing every little thing we say or do – not really. 

    Say it clearly so the person knows exactly what you want. You don’t have to feel weird, awkward, selfish or embarrassed. By doing this you are communicating clearly so that there aren’t mixed signals or hints that go missed because that would result in you getting upset and them dealing with the consequences of that. So really by doing this you are helping yourself and them.

    So when we have expectations, when we have our manual, we have to remember that the only person who can meet our needs that is in our control is ourselves. 

    We cannot control other people. As I mentioned before everyone acts out of their own will and freedom, I want that, you want that, so no one wants that taken away from them. Think about how hard it is for you to control and change yourself let alone someone else. We can’t expect others to do something we would not.

    Expectations on feelings

    Another expectation that pops up during Christmas holidays is the expectation of feeling. Feeling merry. Feeling jolly. Feeling generous. We are attached to the expectation of happy and celebration.

    I want you to remember that we aren’t meant to be happy all the time, in fact you don’t have to be happy all the time! Just because it’s Christmas it doesn’t mean you suddenly have to be happy just like any other time of the year. There’s no magic switch that says on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day everyone in the world will be happy and get along. Life doesn’t work life that, we are human! 

    If you are going to have expectations make sure they are reasonable and realistic – don’t go into the holidays with blinkers on, thinking it will be joyful and merry. If you go in expecting a few challenges may pop up you will feel better because when they happen they aren’t out of the blue. Be in acceptance, it’s when we resist we cause ourselves pain and heartache.

    In fact why not use it to your advantage? If you are expecting certain things will happen, use it to your advantage and be prepared ahead of time. 

    You get anxious about future feelings, feelings you don’t want to feel like being annoyed or upset. 

    How are these feelings created? Your thoughts.

    By worrying or being anxious about the future, you feel like you’re in control but you’re not. No worrying or anxiety about it will change it. Only your deliberate thoughts will.

    Expectations Scenario on Christmas - Comments on Weight

    Let’s use this scenario, I have an Aunt who often says to me that I’m looking chubby and I could lose a bit of weight. If I accepted what she says and take that on board, I feel terrible. I feel guilty that I’ve eaten a lot and in fact ashamed. This is a result of accepting her thought and running with it.

    Instead I choose to accept the thought because it’s her free will but I am not running with it.

    My aunt can can say what she wants, as ridiculous as it is, even if it’s not true and that’s okay. 

    When the moment happens I prepare myself. 

    I am expecting her to say that she think’s I’m chubby and that I need to lose weight and so instead of thinking yes she’s right and feeling ashamed, I’m going to to decide ahead of time to think: okay, she wants to say that, and that’s okay. Maybe it’s because when she was growing up people used to talk about her weight all the time and she’s super conscious of it mostly in herself. As a result that reflects in her view of others around her such as me. 

    With all this, I am going to make the decisions not to take her thought on board as my thought though. 

    If I believe what she says I am going to feel upset and ashamed. 

    Hence think-ception occurs. 

    I know what to think ahead of time that it’s a reflection of her upbringing and experiences and I don’t have to accept the thought. As a result I don’t feel upset and ashamed. If anything I feel compassion for her that would be a hard experience being ridiculed for your weight and in turn judging others upon your thoughts about weight.

    Instead of feeling upset and ashamed if I ran with her thoughts, I am to decide to embody and feel so much love and appreciation for my body as it is right now based on my thoughts.

    You can apply this principle to any feelings in life, not just holiday Christmas ones. It’s a useful tool to have, prepare your thoughts, prepare your feelings and prepare your results. 

    Feeling detached from friends and family, and not feeling good enough

    The holidays can be so hard when you don’t feel close to your family and friends. Being around them and talking about your lives, the year that’s been and what you are up to can be anxiety inducing. If you don’t feel enough, that will come up through these conversations.

    I want you to remember that no one can make you feel anything. I’ve said this time and time again that your thoughts create your feelings and in turn your actions or inaction leading to your results. If you are feeling detached or not enough it’s because you are thinking thoughts to make you feel that way.

    What thoughts can you have instead that make you feel more connection with the people you are around? If you think thoughts such as it is possible to find a connection than that will influence your actions. Perhaps you will get more involved in festivities or make more effort to strike a conversation with someone.

    Perhaps your thoughts lead you to define Christmas and the holiday season. What does it mean for you? Connection exists beyond the family and friends we spend time with. Do you want to contribute to the holiday season in a different way by perhaps volunteering? Or connecting with individuals online too? What meaning can you make of Christmas? 

    For some it may not even be about connection, it may be simply rest, for others it’s taking time for themselves or perhaps it’s about generosity and helping others in need.

    Further to that, the end of the year is always a time of reflection but I want you to know you are enough as you are. Right now. You don’t have to do anything to be enough. You are already enough as you are, you are a part of this amazing world, you are here living and breathing. You are enough. 

    You get to decide you are enough. You can decide right now you are enough. Being enough is self belief, you determine that no one else but you. Think about this sentence, “If I believed I were enough, I would ______”.

    I bet so much came up for you right? Start believing it! The only person who has the power to make you feel that you are enough is you, no one else! 

    The secret to being enough isn’t that you have to do something, to achieve something or to be a certain way truly it’s believing you are enough.

    Not being physically with your family during Christmas

    With the virus, it’s to be expected certain friends and family may not be around due to circumstances out of our control. Think about what is in your control? Your thoughts.

    Turning to gratitude is always a saving grace. What can you be thankful for such as the family and friend who you are able to be there with physically. Can you be thankful that if they are alive, at least they are although it’s sad they can’t be there with you? If they aren’t here, can you be grateful for the memories you did share together? 

    Can you do something in honour of people who are not present this year? My family put up a framed photo of my dad and leave him a plate of food.

    Alternatively is there a way to connect with them without them physically being there whether that’s a phone call or through a video chat? Whilst these will never replace being physically there, it does help with missing them.

    Be compassionate with yourself, it’s normal to miss people when we can’t be with them. What’s important is to be present and appreciative of the people that you can be with. After all some may be lonely out there without friends and family others grieving the loss of loved ones this year. 

    When it comes to loss, a holiday can sure amplify those feelings of loss or missing. Be sure to take care of yourself. To make time for yourself. I find journaling really helps to release your thoughts and feelings out of your head and body.

    Dealing with crazy families

    I think we can all attest to the fact we all have unique and different families. Families are made up different personalities and there’s always bound to be someone you deem crazy or hard to get along with.

    The first point of call on this topic is to remember that you can only control yourself, your own behaviour and thoughts. You can’t control anyone else. Even what you think is reasonable may not reasonable for them just like their thoughts of reasonable may not be for you.

    Most of the time, it’s only once a year you have to encounter these family members, so in the grand scheme of life that’s not too bad right? Can you be empathetic towards them, perhaps why they are acting the way they are? Can you tolerate it for one or two days of the year? 1 out of 365 thats such a tiny fraction of a percentage of your whole year.

    Another thing to note. When it comes to ‘crazy’ families its important to remember you don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like you. 

    If you don’t like everyone, why do you expect everyone should like you? 

    There is no rule that says you have to like your family. If you think it is, you are operating from your manual, your rule book. Connection is multifaceted. You may not like someone yet still love them or you may not like someone and not love someone. That’s okay!

    Another tip for crazy families is to go into the situation prepared going back to what I spoke about earlier in the podcast about expectations. Accept that the day may not go perfectly and that’s okay. Accept that there may be tension or awkwardness. Be prepared with a coping mechanism, whether that’s taking a walk if someone annoys you or taking 5 deep breaths before responding as examples.

    Additionally I think it’s important to note that whatever people say or do is a reflection of their world. It hasn’t got anything to do with you. It’s a reflection of their mind, their world, their manual. 

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide close

    Thank you for listening beautiful soul, I hope you found some useful insights for your Christmas Holiday. Merry Christmas and I hope you have a wonderful time.

    If you’re anticipating struggling with Christmas or many emotions being evoked post Christmas, let’s chat because I’m here to support. We can discuss your individual scenario to have you better prepared for Christmas and post Christmas. I have limited 1:1 coaching spots still available, so please get in touch if you are interested. You are not alone and I can help you.

    That’s it for this episode beautiful souls, I’ll chat to you next week for the last episode for the year where we will reflect on 2020! 

    [Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

    Click here to read more

  • 06: Forgiveness

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    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness

    This episode covers everything you need to know about forgiveness. What truly is forgiveness, how to forgive using one powerful and free tool you already have, whether anything and everything is forgivable, how to forgive yourself and conundrums and quarrels that come up when forgiving.  

    What you'll learn from this episode

    • What truly is forgiveness
    • Misconceptions about forgiveness
    • How to forgive through practical tools and strategies
    • The magic question to ask yourself why it’s difficult for you to forgive
    • Why forgiving is important 
    • Practical example on forgiving (cheating in relationships and dating)
    • Is everything and anything forgivable? 
    • Conundrums and quarrels when forgiving
    • Why forgiveness might not even be a thing!

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings. 


    Phi Dang

    When you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful.

    Phi Dang

    Right now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.

    Phi Dang

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness, Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 6: Forgiveness

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Begins]

    Hello hello beautiful soul, so happy you’re here! Another week, another new episode. How are you all feeling as it gets closer to Christmas? How fast has the year flown!? What a year it has been.

    Today’s episode is all about forgiveness. Thank you to Bee who submitted his thoughts on what he wanted to see on the podcast on my instagram – if you too have something you’d love for me to speak about please get in touch via my DMs or on my website. 

    If you didn’t know I had an Instagram – yes I do, I share on my instagram daily inspiration and motivation to live your best life and a behind the scenes of my coaching – juicy insights from sessions with my clients and of course the amazing results my clients have.

    I always get so excited to share this at it shows you what you can achieve when you work on yourself and when you invest in yourself.

     

    What are the wins my clients have been having lately?

    One of my clients absolutely aced her internship and was offered a job role after it! The real clincher? Her supervisors said what made her stand out was her mindset. Boom!

    Another one of my clients has let go of a relationship despite her fears and past coming out. We really worked through past trauma from previous relationships that showed up.

    Another client is a stunning model using her online platform after being bullied to help others and speak out against bullying – which is not okay at all.

    Another beautiful soul is moving past her fears of being judged and imposter syndrome to showing up on her Instagram community of 80,000 and building her business empire.

    So, so magical. I am so proud of them, there are many more wins but I could talk for a whole episode on that. If you’re interested in coaching, let’s chat as I would love to be here someday soon speaking about your wins!

    Segway into forgiveness

    So back to forgiveness, Bee said that he wanted to know more about forgiveness that allows for growth but is stunned by conundrums or quarrels with friends, family and strangers.

    So let’s dive into forgiveness. It’s a big topic. I want to flag in no way is forgiveness easy but it’s an important mental muscle to work on for your emotional health and wellbeing – more on that later in the podcast.

    What is forgiveness?

    There are many definitions but out of reading and researching several definitions, the main common thread between definitions is that forgiveness is a voluntary and internal process of letting go of negative feelings such as anger, resentment and bitterness and in turn the potential desire for revenge.

    Let’s break it down: voluntary – you have to decide, no one else can for you and the internal process of letting go – yes you have to use your thoughts to get to the destination: letting go.

    It’s a process – again it won’t just suddenly happen, you have to work through your thoughts and in turn your feelings to get there. Forgiveness is a journey to which you commit to.

    Forgiveness is actually quite stealthy. Forgiveness happens when you’re sleeping, when you’re brushing your teeth, when you’re journaling, when you’re making a cup of tea, when you’re making lunch, when you’re working… it’s happening not only on a conscious level but on a subconscious level too.

    Forgiveness isn’t easy or instant, like taking a pill or pushing a button. In fact forgiveness is like pushing a boulder up a hill – it will take work and it’s going to be hard. As Robert Muller says “Only the brave know how to forgive. A coward never forgives. It’s not in his nature.”

    Addressing the potential desire for revenge: your thoughts create your feelings so when you work on letting go of these negative feelings, the actions you wanted to take previously also change.

    That’s it. Simple but our brains make forgiveness complicated.

    Forgiveness is just as our earlier definition – a voluntary internals process of letting go of negative feelings. That’s all it is.

    Misconceptions about forgiveness

    Forgiveness doesn’t mean anything else but our brains create thought stories that say otherwise.

    • Forgiveness does not mean you forget what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not justify what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not mean you accept or condone what they did.
    • Forgiveness does not excuse the harm done.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that they were right and you were wrong.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that you trust them again.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that they are good person.
    • Forgiveness does not restore your full faith and trust in that person.
    • Forgiveness does not mean reconciling.
    • Forgiveness does not mean that person will still be in your life.

    All this other stuff is thoughts you are creating, stories you are creating.

    Summing it up forgiveness is for YOU, no one else by you, As Louis B Smedes say “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

    So how is forgiveness created?

    It’s all through your thoughts because your thoughts create your reality. They impact how you feel and in turn what actions you take or do not take that lead to a result.

    When you are in a position to be either thinking about forgiving someone, wanting to forgive someone or not forgiving someone you are in a state of negative thoughts and feelings right? Because if you weren’t feeling negative, you wouldn’t need to forgive someone.

    When it comes to other humans things are bound to be emotional as we are emotional beings. For example if you trip over a rock, you wouldn’t even be asking the rock for forgiveness would you? But let’s change the scenario what if someone you knew accidentally tripped you over?

    Given that your thoughts are linked to your feelings, I want to state the obvious.
    Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.

    When you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful. Maybe you are giving them the silent treatment, ignoring them or maybe you are shouting at them and being short with them. Remember: resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

    Further on this, particularly on the feeling of resentment, it keeps you stuck in the past as you are constantly reliving the scenario, the thoughts and the feelings. Remember the past is a construct in your head, your mind and body doesn’t know. So when you keep reliving the thoughts and feelings, you are making your brain go through the experience over and over again. Right now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.

    So how do you forgive someone?

    It is important to have at the forefront of your mind the purpose of forgiveness. Ultimately forgiveness is for you. You not them. You. I mean, the person you are forgiving doesn’t even need to know you are forgiving them really, forgiveness is for YOU.

    As established earlier the path to forgiveness starts with your thoughts.

    Let’s go back to the definition of forgiveness, it is a voluntary process emphasis on that again voluntary process. Going back to episode 4 where I speak about mental fitness and taking your brain to the gym, think of forgiveness as an important muscle that is needed to keep your emotional self healthy and strong.

    First question is to ask yourself why do you feel angry, why do you feel resentful. Remember everything in life is circumstances and its your thoughts the create reality. So whilst you can say they did this to me or didn’t do this… really it’s your thoughts about the situation which create your feelings and behaviour.

    So what thoughts are you having about why you feel angry and resentful. In order to forgive someone, you have to change your thoughts. So figure out why you feel the way you do. The number one question I like to get my clients to ask themselves is “so what?”. That’s the magic question to delve deeper into your thoughts and feelings.

    Your ex cheated on you. So what? Now you feel like you’re not good enough and perhaps you are not good looking enough for them. Your thoughts are creating a story about someone else’s actions even though you can’t mind read! Since you can’t mind read, you are creating a story that you are self perpetuating. You will never truly know why someone does something but you are creating meaning through your thoughts.

    Your friend gaslit you. So what? You don’t know what’s real and what’s not. You are in a state of shock and you can’t believe it happened to me. How did you let this happen? As a result of your thoughts on their behaviour, you feel like you don’t trust yourself and you don’t feel confident about the decisions you are making. You question yourself a lot.

    Your business partner took all of your money. So what? Now you feel unstable and insecure. You don’t have enough money to buy that car you want and you may be struggling to pay for rent and groceries. You feel anxious and worried about money. Again the story here is it’s because your thoughts are blaming that person for taking all your money and putting you into negative feelings through feeling stressed about money.

    Your dad abandoned you when you were 8. So what? You feel unlovable and unworthy, you feel that it is your fault that he left. Now you are older and wiser, have you ever had the thought that the way your dad is has nothing to do with you. Maybe he left because of his own fears of being a terrible dad. Maybe he left because he had a horrible gambling addiction and didn’t want you in the mix.

    It’s all about being aware of how your thoughts are creating your feelings about this person. Your thoughts are making you suffer and feel wronged. If you think different thoughts, you will have a different outcome.

    Forgiveness scenario: Cheating in relationships and dating

    Let’s take the cheating scenario as it is a common one and I have been cheated on through my own life experiences.

    You can choose to have the thoughts oh this says something about me, I’m not loveable enough, I wasn’t a good partner, I am not good enough and blame your partner, they ruined your life and so forth. That makes you feel tired, angry, resentful, awful to be honest or you can choose to have the thoughts oh this says nothing about me and everything about them.

    The relationship has unfolded the way it was meant to, nothing lasts forever, this chapter is closed and I’m ready to move forward and have a partner who values commitment and loyalty. You don’t feel angry anymore. You don’t feel resentful anymore. No more bitterness. Initially it will likely be working through sadness and betrayal but then feeling so hopeful and excited to move forward with your life.

    It’s all in the thoughts.

    It can also help to seperate the actions from the person who did what they did. For example good people do bad things – it’s not black and white. We have all made mistakes or done things we aren’t proud of but that doesn’t mean we are bad people overall. In fact there are more good people who make mistakes and do “bad things” vs bad people overall.

    One thing to also keep in mind is hurt people, hurt people. There is often a reason as to why someone has done something.

    The person that cheats on someone is because they feel lonely and insecure. It doesn’t make cheating right, but we can see why they did it and we are separating the action from the person.

    The person that scams people out of money because they needed to feed their family and keep a roof over their head. Again, not right but we can see why they did it and have some empathy.

    Empathy is a useful aid in forgiving someone. Can you put yourself in their shoes to understand why they did it?  Can you image the other as an innocent child needing love and support? How would you like to be treated if you made a mistake?

    One important thing to remember is that forgiveness is truly about your feelings and not your actions. You aren’t really forgiving someone if you are taking actions to say that you are for example saying “it’s okay now, I forgive you” and then you are still harbouring feelings of anger and resentment deep down inside. Telling someone you forgive them not akin to being forgiving unless its truly about the feeling.

    Sometimes we don’t forgive someone because you want to hold onto anger and resentment, thinking that you are punishing them. Like I said earlier, no you holding onto the feelings of anger and resentment is like taking poison and waiting for them to die. The only person you are hurting is yourself. You are giving this person or people too much power over your life.

    Not only that you can forgive and move on. Forgiving doesn’t automatically mean your feelings shift from anger and resentment to forgiveness and then it’s like nothing happened and you continue to see the person or interact with them. It’s your life and its your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with.

    Questions on forgiveness.

    Is anything and everything forgivable?


    The answer is yes because going back to the definition of forgiveness at the beginning of this episode it’s a voluntary process. You choose. You decide. There are instances of people forgiving those who have wronged them such as murdering a loved one or killing their family. It’s up to you.

    Another common theme that comes up with my coaching clients is what about if the person I am trying to forgive is myself?

    It’s the same process as outlined earlier with they key being:
    1) You are not your actions
    2) Empathy for yourself – you are human. We all make mistakes. We have all done things we aren’t proud of. It’s a part of being human.

    Self forgiveness is hard as the mistakes you make often become attached to underlying beliefs you have. Your brain uses it as evidence for a self fulfilling prophecy. If your brain thinks your bad with money guess what? It’ll interpret every action you do with money as bad. 

    You could invest $2,000 in coaching to transform your life, get unstuck and move forward with your life but since you think you’re bad with money, your brain will weave a story that you’re bad with money – it’s not an investment, you’re just frivolously spending when you’re not.

    Also ask yourself what does hating yourself and punishing yourself do? Not much. It would be more productive to take actions to improve and learn from the experience right?

    That’s why it’s great to work with someone to delve deep into these beliefs you may not be aware of – it’s something I do often with my clients. Most of the time my clients aren’t conscious of it but when I listen, I guide them to piece all their jigsaw pieces together so they become aware of it.

    Conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness.

    Diving into Bee’s question, who initially asked what about conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness. What I can tell you is that you learn a lot about yourself and others when you disagree on something. Are you being constructive, coming from a place of love and understanding or is it destructive? Resorting to actions like shouting and criticising someone?

    I want everyone to remember, not every one thinks like you. We live lives from our prospective, we are the frame of reference in the same way everyone else does to them. Other people have their frame of reference. You are the way you are because of your values, your family, your beliefs, the way you were raised, your life experiences – no one person has the exact identical experiences therefore we all see the world differently. 

    Whenever I get frustrated that people can’t see my point of view I remember that. For example I get frustrated when people don’t make the most out of life and they just stay in a rut and that’s because I experienced my dad passing away at a young age which made me realise life is fragile there is no guarantee. So I don’t like to waste my time, especially being stuck.

    Before that YOLO (you only live once) was just a phrase to me and a concept I understood theoretically but until I truly experienced it through a life event – that’s when my perspective shifted. 

    So when someone is stuck, I can help them and I can say and do all these things but ultimately its up to that person to decide to get unstuck and to get help. Very much like my clients, I can guide them, give them the tools but ultimately they are the ones who will get themselves unstuck.

    When you quarrel or argue without someone, ask yourself, what is my true intention here. Are you trying to get a message across to help or are you trying to be right? Is your ego inflating itself being like “I have to be right, I have to have the last say?”.

    I would also ask yourself is the quarrelling worth it? Quarrelling can be very draining and toxic to your energy and you can also lose a relationship over it. Is what you are fighting about worth it? Ask yourself what is worth more to you, inner peace or being right?

    I love these quotes to further reinforce my point. Firstly by Amit Kalantri, “Ultimately all kinds of fights end at forgiveness.” Secondly by Byron Katie, ““Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.”

    Radical thought: Forgiveness does not need to exist

    Speaking of Byron Katie, she is a is huge pioneer in the field of forgiveness.

    In fact she says “Forgiveness is the discovery that what you thought happened, didn’t.”

    This is a radical thought to drop in your mind.

    In short what she is saying is that we create conditions for how life should be and unfold so when these conditions are broken by someone else we demand forgiveness.

    Mind blowing but so true. Simple. There are no rules, there are no set ways to behave – we create this in our mind through our thoughts. Thoughts are truly so powerful.

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgivness close

    What a way to end this episode, a true journey on all things forgiveness. Summing it up forgiveness starts in your thoughts, your mindset.

    Are you are you struggling with forgiving in your life whether it’s with others or yourself? Want help learning step by step how to change your thoughts? Change your thoughts and change your life.

    I have limited 1:1 coaching spots left. With 2021 on the horizon, get help and improve your life now. Not in 2021. Now! Links in the show notes on how to contact me and work together.

    Thank you so much for listening beautiful soul. The next two episodes of the podcast I’ve decided will be about our feelings towards Christmas and coping with the holiday season and of course reviewing and reflecting about your year as we gear up for a brand new year, 2021!

    Wishing you inner peace always. Chat to you next Tuesday. Love and Positivity.

    [Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

    Click here to read more

  • 05: River of Misery

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    Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 05: River of Misery

    This episode is all about the river of misery. A deeply uncomfortable place between where you start and where you want to be. I talk about different scenarios where the river of misery happens such as in dating, relationships, ex partners, health, weight and fitness. I share practical tips on overcoming the river of misery too.

    What you'll learn from this episode

    (01:32) Why I am talking about the river of misery
    
(02:00) How you feel in the river of misery

    (02:26) What is the river of misery?

    (02:51) The pond of misery (ain’t just a river of misery!)

    (03:43) Example of river of misery (e.g. dating a commitment phobe, someone who won’t commit to you, an ex partner)

    (06:59) A willing river of misery, my battle with my weight and fitness 
    (09:47) My river of misery when I got myself got stuck (relationships related)
    (12:40) Dealing with feelings of shame, embarrassment and disappointment
    (13:23) Falling into old habits and ways of thinking

    (13:42) The hardest part of being in the river of misery

    (14:27) Truth bomb on the river of misery

    (15:42) The brain and the river of misery

    (17:39) Getting out of the river of misery

    Key Quotes from this Episode

    The river of misery won’t be comfortable or cruisy. I won’t lie to you, it’s called the river of misery for a reason.

    Phi Dang Tweet

    Are you willing to swim the river of misery and go through temporary discomfort and pain to get what you want?

    Phi Dang Tweet

    Even though I wasn’t in my ideal situation I was and am still loveable and so are you whatever scenario you are in. Lead with love not hate.

    Phi Dang Tweet

    Featured Resources on the episode

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 05: River of Misery​, Show Transcript

    You are listening to episode 5: River of Misery.

    [Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:

    Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.

    Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.

    My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”

    My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.

    Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.

    This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.

    Ready to grow? Let’s grow!

    [Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]

    [Episode 05 – River of Misery: Begins]

    Hi beautiful soul, are you feeling stuck and frustrated right now? Perhaps overwhelmed by everything going on in your life. If not, can you think back to a time when you were?

    Why am I asking you these questions? Well this podcast episode is all about the river of misery. Oh yes, the river of misery.

    When I first started to think about this episode I didn’t know where to begin or if I had enough material. Turns out I have a lot of information, practical examples and juicy insights to share so this episode may be on the longer side to manage your expectations.

    The reason I’m talking to you about the river of misery today is that it continually pops up in my life coaching, when I talk to my clients and loved ones. At one point or the other whether they come to me as they are in the river of misery or experience it on the journey to making their goals and dreams happen, the river of misery is something we can all relate to at some point in our lives and it is not enjoyable.

    When I think of the river of misery, I feel as if there is a lot going on against me and I feel overwhelmed. It feels like a river full of rapids coming at full force towards me and I’m struggling to stay afloat. The whole time I just feel just so damn uncomfortable. I feel tired and I just want it to end.

    It’s a horrible place to be because you feel so frustrated, trapped and annoyed.

    What is the river of misery?

    The river of misery is place where you feel deeply uncomfortable and overwhelmed by everything that’s happening in your life.

    How you end up in the river of misery may be by choice or not, but whether you continue to stay in the river of misery and end up stuck there… that’s a choice.

    Let me run you by some scenarios of how this comes to be.

    Pond of Misery

    The pond of misery is well, safe. You know what to expect in the pond. Nothing drastic is happening, nothing is going to harm you. It’s not terribly uncomfortable like a river of misery but it’s unsatisfactory. Things could be better than being in the pond at all.

    To get to where you want to be, now that’s a river of misery.

    The river of misery involves being uncomfortable and doing hard things to get the result you want.

    All these thoughts push against you going into this river for your safety, after all your brain has evolved to protect you. Your brain is always looking for danger.

    “It is going be a lot of hard work”

    “It is going to take a lot of investment. Time, energy, effort, money”

    “What if I do all this stuff and it doesn’t work out, what if it is not worth it?”

    “The pond is not that bad is it…? It’s not that bad… it’s not that bad you try to convince yourself.”

    First type of river of misery and a river of misery scenario: Dating, relationships, ex partners

    Let’s apply this example to a real life scenario such as getting stuck in and involved in an entanglement with someone you are seeing who won’t commit to being in a relationship with you or an ex partner even.

    You’re not happy with the situation, this person you’re seeing is also dating other people and you’re probably fifth priority after their work, family, friends and other people they are dating.

    I mean at least you get the occasional cuddle, probably the non strings attached intimacy (lets be real there are a lot of strings!!!), hey maybe they’ll even reply back to a text quickly once in a while.

    It’s miserable to do a degree, but you’re some what used to it and familiar with it even though you are craving a fulfilling and committed relationship where you are a priority, when they make time for you, when you feel so loved and secure.

    So in this pond of misery, no one is putting a gun to your head saying you have to keep seeing this person. Can you see the only person who got you in this pond of misery and is keeping you there is you?

    So how do you get out of this pond of misery? Jumping into the river of misery to get to the other side: land.

    The river of misery kicks it up a notch, you’re not dealing with a pond anymore, you’re dealing with a rapid river.

    The river of misery for this scenario means letting go and cutting off the person you are dating. It means being alone for the time being. It means working on yourself and reflecting on how you got into this situation. Why you are in this situation. It means eventually having to start meeting people and going on dates again. It means opening up with new people as you date.

    Your brain in this scenario starts panicking. This is hard! This is a lot of work! Let me go back to the pond! I wasn’t happy there but at least I was comfortable. I accepted it, I got used to it.

    The river of misery won’t be comfortable or cruisy. I won’t lie to you, it’s called the river of misery for a reason. But what if you knew that going through the river of misery was worth it? That on the other side on the land, is a loving person who is ready to commit and have a beautiful relationship with you.

    Are you willing to swim the river of misery and go through temporary discomfort and pain to get what you want? Like I mentioned in the previous episode number 4 on mental fitness and taking your brain to the gym, discomfort is the currency of your success just like working out at the gym to get fitter, leaner and stronger.

    So back to the river of misery. It won’t last forever.

    Eventually it gets easier as you get used to it. But in order to get to this place, you have to start in the deep end of the river of misery and swim towards land. You have to be willing to endure the river and to keep swimming until you get to the land. If you swim back to the pond, you’ll lose progress, battle the river and have to start again.

    The brain likes security and comfort, that is how it’s hardwired. Can you reassure your brain that you are going through the river of misery for a purpose?

    Can you put your purpose at the forefront of your mind? Can you feel and visualise how amazing it is going to be when you make your dreams come true?

    My river of misery: health, fitness and weight

    I’ve been in this type of river of misery lately.

    My pond was being unhappy with my body and fitness levels.

    To be completely transparent with you since COVID-19 hit, I stopped going to the gym 4 times a week where I used to weight train and do cardio based classes and now I don’t do any any exercise at all except walking and swimming.

    I started eating a lot more because I was either bored or wanted comfort during hard times. I gained weight, in fact I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. And not it’s definitely muscle, it’s definitely fat I think.
    
Some of the clothes I own, I can no longer fit into or I have to really suck in my belly the whole time I’m wearing them – not fun and super uncomfortable.

    Sure, a quick fix is to buy bigger clothing sizes but that doesn’t address the core issue.

    Addressing the core issue is working on my mindset and getting fit – jumping into the river of misery by choice. The land is being happy, healthy and fit. So what does this river involve?

    Waking up earlier to do some exercise before work. Making time to do grocery shopping on the weekend so I can prepare healthy meals instead of turning to instant food or processed food I can reheat. I’m embarrassed to admit this to you but I always have cans of chicken noodle soup at home for when I am too busy to cook! Let’s not forget the frugal favourite Mi Goreng too – 2 minute noodles. Can you tell I really like noodles? 

    Anyway back to it.

That in itself is a river of misery, adapting to changing tastes (because I wish salads tasted as good as instant noodles or frozen pizza for lunch especially on a really busy day when it’s so comforting). 

    There is a river of misery working on my mindset, why I can’t be happy now at my body is and why it has to be when certain criteria is met. 

This whole situation is a river of misery but its worth it knowing my end result, happy, healthy and fit!

    The second type of river of misery: being stuck

    Now there’s also another river of misery which is when you are just stuck because you are so miserable with how you are, your thoughts and the world around you.

    I’ve seen this with my clients who are stuck in their past and finding it hard to get over someone because they thought they were the one. I’ve seen this in clients who think that they can’t be positive because they just have so many negative thoughts all the time and they think they are powerless to change it. I’ve seen this with my clients who continually compare themselves to other people and end up feeling insecure and jealous all the time.

    My second type of river of misery: being single

    I remember being in this type of river of misery because well I got myself there and I was keeping myself stuck (even though it took me a while to consciously and truly realise what I was doing!).

    At one point in my life when I was single, I was so frustrated and sick of dating because nothing seemed to be working out for me. At the time I felt I just kept dating people who weren’t looking for a relationship time and time again. This really sucked for me. It was made harder by the fact I had been single for long stretches of time, years!

    To get to the other side where I was happy dating and enjoying dating I needed to do the hard work to figure out why this was happening to me. After all the common denominator in all the scenarios was well… me!

    It was easy to just blame anything and everything outside of me, to be honest.

    “Oh there’s no good people to do date out there, they are all taken”

    “Everyone is a commitment phobe these days, everyone always thinks that the grass is greener on the other side”

    “It’s so hard to find a relationship these days”

    “Are there any decent and respectful people out there dating anymore?”

    Do you know what was hard, really hard?

    Realising it wasn’t any of these things at all.

    That in fact, it was in fact my thoughts.

    That was a bitter pill to swallow but do you know what was even harder than this realisation?

    Jumping into the river of misery.

    Doing the work to get to a place where I was in a good mindset, enjoying dating and seeing it as a fun journey.

    Doing the work meant confronting myself. Being honest with myself. Not pretending or saying the right things. Pure honesty.

    What was I really looking for?

    Why did I want a relationship?

    Was I looking for love outside myself before being getting to be in love with who I was and who I am?

    Did I know my worth? Did I actually think I was worthy of happy, loving and healthy relationship?

    Why was I dating people who weren’t looking for a relationship?

    Why was I choosing these people?

    I had to start moving and swimming in the river of misery instead of just staying put in the same spot of the river of misery.

    I had to be intentional with dating. I had to consciously vet out people who weren’t in alignment with what I wanted and who I wanted to be with no matter what. I had to stop settling for less then I deserved. I had to stop making excuses for people. I had to put myself out there and be vulnerable. I had to make an effort to go on dates again and get to know someone. I had to open up to people. I had to walk the walk and talk the talk.

    At first moving in the river of misery was hard. I had admit things to myself that I didn’t want to because I was ashamed of myself, I was embarrassed about my situation, I felt disappointed in myself for making mistakes and being in this situation longer than I wanted to.

    And it’s okay to feel this way, we are only human after all. Always be kind to yourself. Always do things out of love to yourself. Even though I wasn’t in my ideal situation I was and am still loveable and so are you whatever scenario you are in. Lead with love not hate.

    I had to swim through those hard emotions. At times moving in the river meant I would go backwards and fall into old habits and ways of thinking. But that’s okay, you catch yourself or make a mistake and keep moving forward. Sometimes you drift backwards a bit and then make up for it and move even more towards the land.

    The hardest part of the river of misery

    One thing is for sure the hardest part is just getting started, once I got started doing the work it got easier. An analogy of this is that it’s hard to go on your first date after you haven’t been on one in a long time. Once you’ve got on that first date, going on more dates doesn’t seem as hard as that first date.

    Another example is that it’s hard to get motivation to start going to the gym once you’ve had a long time off but it’s easier to add weights to your fitness routine or run a longer distance once you are already exercising.

    A hard truth about the river of misery

    Back to the river of misery in this scenario, I’m going to drop a truth bomb.
    
Do we stay stuck in the river of misery well because we enjoy being in misery?

    Hear me out. If you have been miserable for a while, misery starts to get comfortable. After all you are used to being miserable to the point where it becomes a part of your identity. 



    Poor me, I’m miserable. I’m miserable all the time. Misery is who I am.



    When you’re in misery it gives your brain a reason as to why you are in misery. You can them blame all of the circumstances for causing your misery. Have you ever considered if you are a source of your misery? Have you ever tried to turn the focus from everything happening to you and turn it inward? What is happening inside you to keep the misery going on?

    Can I offer you a radical thought? What if you chose to step away from the identity of being miserable. You radically actually chose to not be miserable. You choose to stop making excuses and blaming external factors and turn inwards. Take responsibility for your happiness, you aren’t stuck. Get out of the river of misery by swimming!

    Getting out of the river will feel uncomfortable but it will be worth it.

    Your brain and the river of misery

    Remember, the brain likes to be efficient. It likes routines. It likes easy. So when you break routine, when you challenge ways of thinking your brain doesn’t like it. Your brain will probably say to you “Hey you know what, you don’t have to be uncomfortable if you just stay stuck. Stop wanting more or different. Let’s continue with this current way of thinking, after all you have thought like this for ages and let’s stay comfortable doing nothing different.”

    Moreover your brain has confirmation bias, it wants to prove itself right. So if you keep on believing your thoughts keeping you stuck, your brain will continue to find evidence of your limiting beliefs and as a result you stay stuck.

    Let’s add in the fact as mentioned earlier that your brain is trying to protect you from danger too and guess what? Doing new things, having new thoughts, new actions is perceived as dangerous to your primitive mind. The cave man mind. The cave man mind was always on alert, there was always threats around without modern technology and evolution!

    You have to understand that if you want change, it means doing something different. Whatever you are doing right now is keeping you in the river of misery.

    There is no circumstance which means you can’t get out of the river of misery, as I always tell me clients – you can always do something. If you can’t change whatever is happening, you CAN change your mind.

    It means changing your thoughts intentionally. It means taking action. It means hard work. It means getting out of your comfort zone. Trust in yourself, you can do hard things. Do this for future you. Do it for you!

    If you’re in a river of misery, you can get out of there. I promise you, you can.

    Do the hard work and you get get out of there.

    Struggling in the river of misery? Need Help?

    If you’re struggling let’s chat, I’d love to connect with you this is what coaches do. A life coach helps you cross the river. A life coach shows you how you are stuck in a pond of misery. A life coach helps you master your thoughts to get across the river easier. A life coach will throw in the emergency buoy and help you.

    I am a life coach and I can help you. I have helped many people from the river of misery to land. Now? They thrive and conquer anything including rivers of misery.

    The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 05: River of Misery​ close

    Whatever you do, just keep swimming! You’ve got this.

    I’ll see you in the river of misery and I’ll see you on the land!

    Chat to you next Tuesday for the next episode of The Grow Through it Podcast with Phi Dang.

    Thanks for listening, speak soon.

    Love and Positivity.

    [Episode 05 – River of Misery: Ends]

    Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.

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