Mindset
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Mistakes simply allow you to gather information, that is it
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MAKING MISTAKES. But we beat ourselves up about it.
We shame ourselves.
“You should have…”
“It’s all your fault because…”
“You must have…”
Realise this 👁
It’s the makings of the mind and ego.
The ego doesn’t want to die. It wants to keep itself alive with all the 💩 it comes up with.
It fucks with your mind that it can be this easy… 🧠
Be here now. Drop the baggage 🧳 it’s heavy beautiful soul…
No more shame.
No more drama.
No more guilt.
Mistakes are another experience we have to learn and grow 🌱
If you always see it and feel it that way you move through these energies much faster 🧡
love & positivity ✨ phi 👁
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Do you know what it’s like to be in your body, or are you always in your mind?
We are conditioned to be in our mind.
“Use your head!”, “Can you please think about this?”, “Are you being logical and rational right now?”
To the point where now we don’t know what it’s like to be in our body…
Some people even are numb.
When was the last time you were in your body?
Feeling all the movement, sensations, weights, textures and vibrations?
How does it feel to be in your body?
Come home beautiful soul 🧡
Experience the beauty of life and soul.
Experience being truly alive in this temporary temple we are so lucky to love in.
love & positivity ✨ phi 👁
😫 caught up and trapped inside your mind? 🧠 let me help you break free and come home to your body beautiful soul. Get in touch with me, I can help you 🦋 through 1:1 coaching ✨
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Your mind is built to help you survive, not be happy
YOU ARENT DESIGNED TO BE HAPPY AAAAAND THATS OKAY! 🧡
You can take the pressure off yourself and your mind because there. is. nothing. wrong. with. you 🙏🏽
Your brain is a survival organ designed to solve problems in order to live.
Being happy all the time isn’t encouraged by our design because it would lower your guard to possible threats to your life.
“Oh that animal won’t kill me…”
“Oh I could easily do that trek…”
“Oh it would be so fine to do [insert crazy reckless activity]”
Your brain is an incredible super tool that is always on the look out for risks and threats. To protect you and I for one am so thankful.
Your mind wants to protect you at all costs including happiness.
The #1 priority is to s u r v i v e ❗️❗️❗️
The pursuit of happiness isn’t what we are built to do.
Can you be happy?
Oh absolutely yes 😍
Can you do it in your mind?
Sure… but is that true happiness?
Happiness for me and what I work with my clients is in being… the presence of here right now. This moment. Being alive. Here. In your body ✨
It is SO much simpler than you THINK 🧠 because it’s intuitive and isn’t to do with your mind 🤯
If that intrigues you… calls you… get in touch with me I would love to help and support you beautiful soul through 1:1 coaching.
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Do you want your dreams more than you want your drama and excuses?
Tell me beautiful soul, do you ever dissolve your mind to feel yourself dripping in desire? 💦⚡️
A desire that tingles within.
That turns you on.
That feels so juicy.
The magnetism of potentiality.
Or are you stuck in the prison of your mind 🧠
When it comes to your dreams everything else takes priority.
“It’s too hard”
“I don’t have time”
“Now is not the time”
“I don’t have enough money”
“It’s not possible for someone like me”
How can you dissolve this mental chatter that keeps you shall, stuck and scared?
Can you relinquish the mind and step into your POWER?
To claim it ⚡️ and be UNAPOLOGETIC?
To realise that anything your mind can conceive… is a gift 🎁 that you can make it your reality.
Once you take back the power from outside yourself.
Everything within you right now, your coursing blood, hot veins, big beating heart, extensive experience… you can do it.
The question is how badly do you want it?
To take the first step or to keep going.
Despite the inevitable mind drama that will try to stop you.
To protect you even at the price of success.
So tell me, your dreams or excuses… which one is more powerful?
Hold the vision and the dream is yours 💭
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18: Your Brain Is A Liar
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS
Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 18: Your Brain Is A Liar
This episode is all about how your brain is a liar. In fact, your brain lies to you all the time, every single day. Learn about the 13 ways in which your brain lies to you.
What you'll learn from this episode
- Why your brain lies
- The negativity bias
- Why the brain is lazy and likes to be efficient
- 13 ways in which your brain lies to you
Key Quotes from this Episode
The negativity bias was very useful for our cave man ancestors back in the day where as now not so much.
Phi DangYour brain loves to be comfortable at all costs including long term happiness. It likes to repeat thoughts you already always have even if they are negative because that’s easy.
Phi DangShould are guilt beatings.
Phi DangFeatured Resources on the episode
- Learn more about 1:1 Coaching with Phi here.
- Follow Phi on Instagram here.
- Original Episode 12 – Understanding Your Negative Emotions
- L💘VE SERIES – Episode 13 – The Mindset of Love
- L💘VE SERIES – Episode 14 – How To Make Self Love A Priority
- L💘VE SERIES – Episode 15 – How To Be A Magnet For Love
- L💘VE SERIES – Episode 16 – Relationships As Mirrors
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 18: Your Brain Is A Liar
You are listening to Episode 18 of the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: Your Brain Is A Liar
[Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.
Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.
My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”
My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.
Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.
This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.
Ready to grow? Let’s grow!
[Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]
[Episode 18 – Your Brain Is A Liar Begins]
Your Brain Is A Liar Introduction
Hello beautiful soul! This episode had been a long time coming. I feel like I’ve been teasing it way back because it was meant to be Episode 12 which has turned into Episode 18 because of my spark and desire to do the love series (which was amazing by the way!).
The title of the podcast just jumps as screams out at you don’t you think. It’s alarming and it’s true. Before I dive into today’s episode I wanted to give a huge shout out to Tegan who I got to speak to yesterday who listens to the podcast. Hi Tegan thank you so much for listening beautiful soul, I appreciate you.
Shout out to my beautiful clients
Also a huge shout of to 3 of my clients, Matt, Josie and Carrie who are almost at the end of our coaching containers. Ahhhh I love you all, I love helping you and watching you all transform in your individual, unique way. It makes my heart and soul sing. Thank you for honouring me with the blessing of being your life coach.
If you’ve been listening to me on this podcast for a while, checking out my Instagram posts and feel drawn – please listen to your tug! I would love to speak to you, I offer a complementary 45 minute call no strings attached worth $260 so jump on it if it feels right for you.
Your Brain Is A Liar
Let’s go into today’s episode.
Your brain is a liar.
It means well because it wants to protect you and keep you safe but it lies to you a lot.
There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just that you believe the lies.Common lies your brain tells you
- Your brain tells you things like:
- You’re not good enough
- You can’t change
- You can’t get what you want
- You will be the same forever
- No one understands you
- There’s something wrong with you
- You will be single and alone forever
- You can’t finish anything
- You can’t lose weight
- You can’t start that business
- You can’t make a lot of money
- You can’t be positive
All these lies, it’s not your fault.
Why your brain lies to you?
We all have these thoughts until we do personal development work or until we have a life coach who shows us how our brain lies.
Why does your brain lie?
Simply put, it’s hardwired that way through evolution to protect you and keep you safe through different means.
Your brain is negatively biased
Personally from working with my clients, they think something is wrong with them because they are so negative and cannot seem to get over it.
What they don’t realise is that we are all negatively biased. That it takes uncomfortable, intentional, conscious work to overcome the negativity. That it is truly difficult to do on your own and much easier with a life coach.
In fact psychologist Rick Hanson likens the mind like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.
The negativity bias is so evident in your everyday life, can you relate to the examples I’m about to share?
Examples of negatively biased thinking
- It always feels that the negativity triumphs the positivity. You could have 5 good things happen but you focus on the 1 negative.
- If your brain is wondering it’s more likely to think of everything that could go wrong instead of everything that could go right. Quitting your job to start your own business – what if you don’t make any money and can’t pay your bills, what if you have no customers and look like the biggest failure and embarrassment to everyone you know. These thoughts are more likely than what if it all goes right and I make lots of money, what if it all goes right and I only work 10 hours a week.
- You are more compelled and likely to leave negative reviews than positive reviews for restaurants, experiences, products and so forth. The Thai restaurant you usually go to every week, suddenly they missed the spring rolls in your order. You feel angry and want to change Thai restaurants even though this is the first thing to go wrong out of 20 orders.
- You can remember and recall negative experiences more clearly and often than positive memories. It’s easy to remember the times you were heartbroken feeling numb, broken and crying non stop as opposed to the recent memory of you going to the beach with your friends.
- You react more strongly to negative things that happen to you in the day as opposed to positive things. When someone compliments you, you shake it off and thank them, it hardly lingers on your mind vs someone spilling coffee on your white top. You immediately feel annoyed and shout out the person who spilt it. Weren’t they paying attention? What is wrong with them?
You will remember insults more than praise. You remember that moment that kid said you were fat and ugly even though nowadays you get told you’re beautiful and attractive but it’s hard to believe.
The negativity bias was very useful for our cave man ancestors back in the day where as now not so much.
The negativity kept cave men on alert…
You are a cave man outside and hear the bushes behind you rustling.
Was it the wind or a lion in the bushes moving around?
Your brain says lion to keep you safe, it is better to be safe than sorry
Your brain is lazy and values efficiency
Your brain loves to be efficient after all it has so many things to do. Think about it your brain ensures you subconsciously breathe, blink and circulate blood without having to think about it. It uses so much energy to keep you alive therefore it likes repetition and easy that means comfortable.
If you’re always complaining then your brain will latch onto this. The more you do it, the more it will happen automatically as your brain neurons work together. Your brain thinks why build a temporary bridge when I can build a permanent bridge since this human loves to do it all the time. So it does. As the saying goes:
“Neurons that fire together, wire together.”
Therefore your brain loves to be comfortable at all costs including long term happiness. It likes to repeat thoughts you already always have even if they are negative because that’s easy.
The brain is used to being in a comfort cocoon and any time you push it especially getting outside your comfort zone, the brain will panic.
Working consciously to change your thoughts = effort = hard = brain likes to avoid.
The 13 ways in which your brain lies to you
1. Catastrophising
Every little setback becomes a huge hurdle – it’s the sky is falling way of thinking. You make a problem more significant than it is and it is often the worst case scenario.
An example of this is you go on a date with someone who doesn’t want a second date and you now believe you will never find love again in your life.
2. All or nothing
Everything is either black and white and you overlook the possibility that there’s a spectrum.
An example you are either a success or a failure, whereas in reality most of us have a mix of successes and failures.
3. Arbitrary Inference
Coming to conclusions without all the facts.
For example someone hasn’t texted you back for 5 hours, they must not like you. Here you don’t know what the person is doing, what they may be going through, if they have access to a phone and so forth.
4. Perfectionism
The need to relentlessly achieve very high standards immediately, mistakes are seen as fatal flaws and your brain does not acknowledge growth.
An example is when trying something new and needing to be amazing immediately otherwise thinking you are a failure.
5. Discounting
You are quick to point out negatives in any situation or turn positive ones negative.
An example is she only complimented me because she feels sorry for me or they only did that because they want money.
6. Personalisation
Making everything about you even though it has nothing to do with you.
That person doesn’t want to date me because I’m not good enough when really that person just got out of a long term relationship and isn’t ready to commit to anyone.
7. Mind reading
You think people can read your mind (that they should know what you want instead of you communicating it) such as your partner should know exactly what you want for your birthday and you also think you can mind read other people – your partner should know you like to get a morning text every day.
8. Fortune Telling
You think you can predict the future with certainty.
For example you get the text “we need to talk” and immediately you assume that someone wants to break up with you or if it’s from your boss you are going to get fired.
9. Magnification
You put more emphasis on the negative and downplay the positives such as you had an amazing road trip away but the light scratch on your car ruined it.
10. Should
Should rule your mind. Should are guilt beatings. The energy behind having to do something is draining. Replace your should with wants and feel the difference there.
Examples of this:
- I should eat more healthy food vs I want to eat more healthy food to have more energy.
- I should wake up earlier vs I want to wake up earlier to do more before work.
- I should exercise more vs I want to exercise more to be healthier and fitter.
- I should save more money vs I want to save more money to buy a house and have security and safety.
11. Confusion
– “I don’t know” – my clients will laugh because they know I do not accept that answer in coaching. You know. You know.
Confusion is a comfort indulging emotion. As discussed earlier our brain loves comfort!
When you are confused you are in limbo, you don’t have to take responsibility for your decisions.
When you are confused, the longer you are confused, the more you are confused.
You are scared of what will happen when you make a decision, how you will feel, how you will think. So you stay “confused”.
12. Automatic Negative Thoughts - ANTS
Also known as ANTS.
Whilst these ANTS are based on your beliefs and perception which you can’t control on a subconscious level (without doing the work).
In fact they are a product of your doing, when you repeatedly allow negative thoughts and believe negative thoughts this becomes a very strong habit in your brain repeated day in and day out. You can take control through doing the work and challenging these thoughts and beliefs.
This applies to anything whether it’s negative thoughts, putting yourself down etc
13. Blaming
remaining in a victim role and blaming who you are and your life on people or circumstances outside of yourself. Remember you are responsible for your thoughts, attitude and actions. Circumstances are neutral, your thoughts create your feelings, actions and results.
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 18: Your Brain Is A Liar
Yeppp, these are all the ways in which your brain lies to you.
It’s alarming.
Be alert.
Be aware.
Be present.
If you catch yourself doing it, you become conscious, awake.
With that, what are you going to do with it. Will you believe the lies or choose to shed the light of truth on the darkness of the lies?
Until next Tuesday beautiful soul, love and positivity.
[Episode 18 -Your Brain Is A Liar Outro]
Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.
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10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS
Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier
Learn the biological and evolutionary reason as to why you worry. Find out what it means to have a warrior mindset in addition to practical ways you can be a warrior not a worrier.
What you'll learn from this episode
- The biological and evolutionary reason why humans worry
- What a warrior mindset means
- Practical strategies to be a warrior not a worrier
Key Quotes from this Episode
Don’t let others or society define it for you, figure out what success is for you.
Phi DangDon’t let others or society define it for you, figure out what success is for you.
Phi DangDon’t let others or society define it for you, figure out what success is for you.
Phi DangFeatured Resources on the episode
- Learn more about 1:1 Coaching with Phi here.
- Follow Phi on Instagram here.
- For more on chunking and the 1% method to make your goals achievable – Episode 9 of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: How to Create and Have a Successful 2021
- Mark Leary – Social and Personality Psychologist
- How exercise helps with stress and anxiety. Exercise and stress: Get moving to manage stress – Mayo Clinic.
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier
You are listening to episode 10 of the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang: How to be a Warrior not Worrier.
[Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.
Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.
My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”
My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.
Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.
This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.
Ready to grow? Let’s grow!
[Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]
[Episode 10 – How to Create and Have Success in 2021 Begins]
Hello beautiful souls! How are you going today? So happy to have you join me on another episode of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.
It’s been a busy start to 2021 for me with all things coaching and I wanted to shout out some of the incredible wins my clients are having.
Shout out to M, after one week of coaching we are already seeing huge shifts. When we first spoke, he described feeling numb when it came to dating women and he’s already called in a second date with a lovely lady who’s stirred some feelings within him!
Shout out to J, a long time client who I recently reconnected with, he is continuing to work through his journey of his past with his family and past relationships. He’s recently opened up new perspectives after feeling very stuck for the last couple of years.
Shout out to another J, a new client who after one session she’s put into practice her insights from our session and made 3 new groups of friends and did a huge social media clean up, the final step of letting go of her recent break up and channeling all of that time and energy to herself and her growth. All amazing wins I am so happy to share!
If you are thinking about working with me, I’d love to chat and be shouting out your inevitable wins on the podcast sometime soon too! Details in show notes as usual or you can connect with me on my website phidang.com or instagram @thephidang.
On worry in relation to your family and self
Today’s episode is titled “How to be a warrior, not a worrier”. I saw this quote online and it really resonated with me. It’s a gem of a quote and shifts your mindset to one of power and confidence – that is something that I am all about.
My parents, particularly my mum, used to worry about me and I feel this was exacerbated by the fact that I am an only child.They would worry about life in general – what’s going on in the world, reading newspapers daily and watching the news every night including all weather updates, having enough money to pay bills, being safe from danger (stay away from this, don’t do that) and so forth. The constant worrying was most certainly passed down to myself as a personality trait.
I still do worry from time to time but to be honest I don’t really any more as I have full faith and confidence in myself and my capabilities. However rewind time to even 3 or 4 years ago, when I was younger I used to worry a lot.
Will he like me? Will I be alone forever? Will anyone want to date me?
Will I pass this test? Will I get this job? Will I be stuck in this job forever?
Is my outfit okay? Will people notice this on my face?
Am I really sick? Will I die? Do I have cancer? Is what I have something that has no cure?If I spend this money, will I get my money’s worth? What if I wasted my money?
And the list goes on… in fact sometimes I would end up in worry loops about worry!
Am I worrying too much? Worrying doesn’t help and I logically know that so why am I worrying? Is something wrong with me? And then it loops round and round.
Are you nodding your head along? Your parents worried a lot? You worry a lot? There’s an actual reason as to why this is. Humans are wired to worry. Worrying is a part of human biology and human evolution.
The biological and evolutionary reason why you worry and why humans worry
Worrying itself is not a problem, in fact worrying serves a purpose: to keep you safe and process potential threats. Worrying is a problem when it interferes with your life, is acutely intense and lasts longer than it usually does for you.
The theories of immediate-return environment and the delayed return environment are used to explain why humans worry.
Immediate-return environment
Humans used to live in an immediate-return environment, 500 years ago – In reference to time and history, 500 years is relatively recent.
Our worries were immediate in nature as cavemen lived a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Worrying was very useful in the moment as it helped us take action in the moment rather than later for survival.
Your stomach grumbles > you feel worried about food > you find food > your worry is relieved.
Your mouth feels parched and dry > you haven’t drunk enough water today > you feel worried and dehydrated > you find water > your worry is relieved
You hear a storm brewing > you worry about getting wet and being cold > you find shelter > your worry is relieved.
You feel cold > you worry about dying > you light a fire > your worry is relieved.
All of the actions you take deliver immediate results, gratification and therefore you lived in the present moment.
In fact animals still live in an immediate-return environment. As Duke University professor Mark Leary put it, “A deer may be startled by a loud noise and take off through the forest, but as soon as the threat is gone, the deer immediately calms down and starts grazing. And it doesn’t appear to be tied in knots the way that many people are.”
Delayed return environment
Nowadays we live in a delayed return environment where our decisions don’t immediately benefit us in in the moment.
Some examples for you.
When you work, you get paid either fortnightly or monthly. When you work hard, you don’t get promoted immediately, you do after hitting your key performance indicators over time.
If you save money now, you’ll have enough for when you retire later in life.
When you start exercising and eating healthier foods, you’ll see results over time, you don’t lose weight or get fit immediately.
The nature of a delayed return environment results in uncertainty as a great source of worry. There are no guarantees to most things we do and in fact most of the choices we make today won’t immediately benefit us.
Going to school and university doesn’t guarantee you’ll get a job.
Going on a date doesn’t mean you will meet the one, your soul mate.
Investing in stocks, doesn’t guarantee you’ll make returns.
Put simply, our brain is not designed to solve the problems of a delayed return environment. Our environment and way of living has changed rapidly, but our brains have not. Our brain hasn’t evolved to live in a delayed return environment.
Now you know the biological and evolutionary reason as to why we worry, let’s talk about being a warrior not a worrier.
What is the Warrior mindset?
Before I share how you can be a warrior, not a warrior, let me set up the stage, what is the warrior persona?
A warrior triumphs whereas a worrier cowers. A warrior has the rock solid, unshakable belief in them-self. They know how to handle anything that comes their way. A warrior is brave, they are not afraid of the unknown and even if they are, they put themselves out there. They confront and face their fears. They are not scared of challenges because they know they will rise to the challenge. In fact, warriors embrace all opportunities to grow because they know they have so much to gain. Warriors win massive wars, by focusing on winning one small battle at a time.
Now we’ve established the warrior persona, I’m going to share 5 ways how you can be a warrior not a worrier.
5 ways on how to be a Warrior not a Worrier
1. Recognise that behind every emotion including worry, lies a thought.
Your emotions are a result of your thoughts. Therefore if you want to change your emotions, you have to change your thoughts.
Bring awareness to your thoughts. Consciously choose to accept and run with a thought or reject and deny a thought.
Slice through unhelpful thoughts like a warrior with your sword of evidence.
Our thoughts are often stories or assumptions we create so question the thought – is there factual evidence to support this thought or am I making something up?
2. Focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot change.
I have two great exercises to share with you to help. The first is the dichotomy of control circles.
On a piece of paper you draw two circles. The first being what you can control and the second being what you can’t control. No point worrying about what you can’t control because nothing you do will influence it. A super simple exercise.The second exercise I have for you to be a warrior and not a worrier is the circles of control. On a piece of paper draw a giant circle, a circle within that and a small circle within that. All in all it looks like a bullseye.
The centre is what you can control – the circle of control. This is all within you that you can directly control such as your thoughts, your behaviour, your attitude, your effort, your energy, your actions and so forth.
The circle outside the centre circle is the circle of influence, what you can influence such as your network and relationships. Emphasis on influence – you can’t make or force it. For example you can talk to the people you know and try convince someone, if you’re looking at a promotion you can influence this by building strong relationships with colleagues, putting yourself out there for more projects to take on and so forth.
The largest is everything else outside of your control and influence. For example things like a global pandemic like coronavirus, the weather, strangers you don’t know, traffic, the economy, policies, the media and so forth.
Onto the third way to be a warrior and not worrier.
3. Be strategic, have a game plan and take action.
Always be prepared. Identify what worries you and create a solution to the worry. It’s not enough to just create the game plan, you also have to take action.
For example, if you are worried about getting a job, create an actionable plan on how to get a job. Chunk it down so it’s not overwhelming. For example if you want to get a job you need to apply for jobs. In order to apply for jobs you need a cover letter and resume. Start there! When you break it down it’s not so intimidating.
Another example is if you are worried you won’t have a partner, create an actionable plan on how to get a partner. In order to have a partner, you need to go on dates. In order to go on dates, you need to meet people. People are candidates for partners. How do you meet people? You can do that by going outside your house or within your home through applications and websites.
A game plan also involves having coping strategies for worry such as setting aside time to worry such as 10 minutes then moving on as an example and a support network you can turn to when it becomes all overwhelming.
If you need help creating a personalised game plan, strategies to cope and support, let’s chat. I work with clients to create a specific, actionable plan with clear steps that can be measured in order to achieve their goals.
Whether that’s getting a promotion, changing jobs, finding a partner, becoming an entrepreneur to make money online – anything is possible. A life coach is all about life! Just to add, not many people know that as part of my coaching, you’ll have access to me Monday to Friday so I can answer any questions or concerns that pop up along your journey to hitting your goals and up levelling your self!
4. Believe in yourself
You are an amazing person. You’ve gone through so many hard things, times you didn’t think you would make it yet here you are.
This wasn’t by accident or change, this is because of you. You are strong, you are smart, you are capable and you are resilient. You know how to overcome obstacles and challenges.
In fact when a worry comes up, repeat this mantra: I am a warrior, not a warrior.
5. Work on your strength
I mean strength physically and in your mind.
It’s well known that exercise can alleviate anxiety. Exercises alleviates stress, provides a beneficial distraction and boosts your feel good endorphins. The high from accomplishing exercise will fuel you to conquer not only workout but whatever else is on your mind too. Physically you’ll even start to take the form of a warrior by getting super fit.
Mentally, to work on your strength is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Do something small everyday that makes you feel uncomfortable to work on your mental strength such as running for an extra 5 minutes to keep your heart-rate going or try a cold shower!
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 10: How to be a Warrior not a Worrier - Close
To wrap it all up there are 5 ways to be a warrior not a worrier.
1. Recognise that behind every emotion including worry, lies a thought.
2. Focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot change.
3. Be strategic, have a game plan and take action.
4. Believe in yourself5. Work on your strength
Be a warrior not a worrier! Every warrior has their teacher, so if you’re looking for your teacher, it would be an honour to be your teacher.
Thank you so much for joining me today beautiful souls. If you’ve enjoyed listening along, I would appreciate you sharing this with your friends or leaving a review, it would really help me to spread the word on personal development.
I’ll catch you next Tuesday with a new episode of the Grow Through It Podcast.
Love and Positivity.
[Episode 10 – How to Be a Warrior not a Worrier Ends]
Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.
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07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS
Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide
This episode covers everything you need to know about the chaos and anxiety that can be Christmas. This episode provides practical tips and strategies to cope and have a calm Christmas. It covers everything from expectations, feeling distant from people, not physically being with your family and crazy families.
What you'll learn from this episode
- Expectations, what is reasonable and what is not
- Worrying about Christmas and the future doesn’t usually help – how to make it so!
- Set yourself up for a calm and drama free Christmas
- The best things you can do to survive Christmas hint: prepare
- Surviving family time together
- Coping mechanisms for Christmas
- Feeling distant from family and loved ones
- Not feeling good enough during Christmas
- Difficult feelings that arise during Christmas
- Being physically distant from family
- Loss of family and Christmas
- Crazy families
Key Quotes from this Episode
Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.
Phi DangForgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.
Phi DangForgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.
Phi DangFeatured Resources on the episode
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide, Show Transcript
You are listening to episode 7: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide.
[Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.
Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.
My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”
My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.
Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.
This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.
Ready to grow? Let’s grow!
[Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]
[Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Begins]
Hi beautiful souls, can you believe it’s almost Christmas!? What a year it has been, we’ve had so much happen and here we are almost at the end of 2020. Thinking about Christmas, it brings so much joy to many people but for some it can also bring anxiety and sadness.
For me it’s mixed. My dad passed away close to Christmas 7 years ago, so I often feel sad as I miss him and reflect upon that. In fact it was a few days ago and I have just come back from a weekend away. It was so nice to disconnect from everyday routine and social media in order to reconnect with myself.
In honour of this experience and loss, I wanted to speak about the Christmas Holiday season which brings mixed feelings for many. The end of the year and time off work often gives us time to reflect as well which can bring up all sorts of feelings.
Before I dive into it I want to give so much appreciation to you listening to this, so much love and positivity. If you are loving the podcast, please rate the podcast 5 stars and leave a review – it would help so much to spread the message on mindset, self love, energy, purpose and mental health. Huge shout out to Ash who said “I wish I had this podcast when I was younger!” – thank you so much Ash. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you can start at any time, at any age to change your life.
Now let’s told holiday season. When I asked about struggles with the holiday season on my Instagram, there were 4 things that came up that I am going to speak about today: Expectations, Feeling detached from friends and family in combination with not feeling like you are enough, not being with your whole family and crazy families.
All of this sounds like stress, sadness and mental breakdowns. Fear not though, I’ve got you.
I’m about to provide you with some practical tips and tools to get through these struggles to create a drama free holiday season that is easy and smooth.Let’s dive into it.
Expectations
It’s funny, the Christmas holiday period we all have this expectation that during this time it will be happy and merry and all problems will disappear. If only, this is life and this is reality, these days are just like any other except for the emphasis and expectations we put on it.
Something that is discussed at The Life Coach School is that many of us aren’t aware that we have a manual that we have created based on our beliefs, experiences and upbringing. It’s a set of rules that we think everyone needs to abide by and how they should behave.
Examples of this are:
- My partner needs to buy me a Christmas present and they should know what I want
- My family must be kind and loving to me during Christmas no matter what
- My friends must spend at least $100 on my Christmas present
It’s interesting because we think these things but often we never actually express these expectations or thoughts to the people around us.
These manuals are so evident in our head, yet we never share. How can we expect someone to behave accordingly if they don’t know your expectation? If you don’t communicate your expectation, you are setting yourself and others up for failure.
So what can we learn from this?
Communicate clearly. Tell someone what you would like and explain why. Often when our needs aren’t met we will resent someone yet we don’t even tell them.
People cannot mind read.
People act out of their own will and freedom.
Trust the person that if they love and care about you, they will be open to listening to what you want and then it’s up to them if they want to meet your need or not. Simple but we complicate things by not communicating clearly and keeping expectations in our head.
Let’s also emphasise the clear part of communicate clearly. I think many of us are guilty for dropping hints or thinking someone is absorbing every little thing we say or do – not really.
Say it clearly so the person knows exactly what you want. You don’t have to feel weird, awkward, selfish or embarrassed. By doing this you are communicating clearly so that there aren’t mixed signals or hints that go missed because that would result in you getting upset and them dealing with the consequences of that. So really by doing this you are helping yourself and them.
So when we have expectations, when we have our manual, we have to remember that the only person who can meet our needs that is in our control is ourselves.
We cannot control other people. As I mentioned before everyone acts out of their own will and freedom, I want that, you want that, so no one wants that taken away from them. Think about how hard it is for you to control and change yourself let alone someone else. We can’t expect others to do something we would not.
Expectations on feelings
Another expectation that pops up during Christmas holidays is the expectation of feeling. Feeling merry. Feeling jolly. Feeling generous. We are attached to the expectation of happy and celebration.
I want you to remember that we aren’t meant to be happy all the time, in fact you don’t have to be happy all the time! Just because it’s Christmas it doesn’t mean you suddenly have to be happy just like any other time of the year. There’s no magic switch that says on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day everyone in the world will be happy and get along. Life doesn’t work life that, we are human!
If you are going to have expectations make sure they are reasonable and realistic – don’t go into the holidays with blinkers on, thinking it will be joyful and merry. If you go in expecting a few challenges may pop up you will feel better because when they happen they aren’t out of the blue. Be in acceptance, it’s when we resist we cause ourselves pain and heartache.
In fact why not use it to your advantage? If you are expecting certain things will happen, use it to your advantage and be prepared ahead of time.
You get anxious about future feelings, feelings you don’t want to feel like being annoyed or upset.
How are these feelings created? Your thoughts.
By worrying or being anxious about the future, you feel like you’re in control but you’re not. No worrying or anxiety about it will change it. Only your deliberate thoughts will.
Expectations Scenario on Christmas - Comments on Weight
Let’s use this scenario, I have an Aunt who often says to me that I’m looking chubby and I could lose a bit of weight. If I accepted what she says and take that on board, I feel terrible. I feel guilty that I’ve eaten a lot and in fact ashamed. This is a result of accepting her thought and running with it.
Instead I choose to accept the thought because it’s her free will but I am not running with it.
My aunt can can say what she wants, as ridiculous as it is, even if it’s not true and that’s okay.
When the moment happens I prepare myself.
I am expecting her to say that she think’s I’m chubby and that I need to lose weight and so instead of thinking yes she’s right and feeling ashamed, I’m going to to decide ahead of time to think: okay, she wants to say that, and that’s okay. Maybe it’s because when she was growing up people used to talk about her weight all the time and she’s super conscious of it mostly in herself. As a result that reflects in her view of others around her such as me.
With all this, I am going to make the decisions not to take her thought on board as my thought though.
If I believe what she says I am going to feel upset and ashamed.
Hence think-ception occurs.
I know what to think ahead of time that it’s a reflection of her upbringing and experiences and I don’t have to accept the thought. As a result I don’t feel upset and ashamed. If anything I feel compassion for her that would be a hard experience being ridiculed for your weight and in turn judging others upon your thoughts about weight.
Instead of feeling upset and ashamed if I ran with her thoughts, I am to decide to embody and feel so much love and appreciation for my body as it is right now based on my thoughts.You can apply this principle to any feelings in life, not just holiday Christmas ones. It’s a useful tool to have, prepare your thoughts, prepare your feelings and prepare your results.
Feeling detached from friends and family, and not feeling good enough
The holidays can be so hard when you don’t feel close to your family and friends. Being around them and talking about your lives, the year that’s been and what you are up to can be anxiety inducing. If you don’t feel enough, that will come up through these conversations.
I want you to remember that no one can make you feel anything. I’ve said this time and time again that your thoughts create your feelings and in turn your actions or inaction leading to your results. If you are feeling detached or not enough it’s because you are thinking thoughts to make you feel that way.
What thoughts can you have instead that make you feel more connection with the people you are around? If you think thoughts such as it is possible to find a connection than that will influence your actions. Perhaps you will get more involved in festivities or make more effort to strike a conversation with someone.
Perhaps your thoughts lead you to define Christmas and the holiday season. What does it mean for you? Connection exists beyond the family and friends we spend time with. Do you want to contribute to the holiday season in a different way by perhaps volunteering? Or connecting with individuals online too? What meaning can you make of Christmas?
For some it may not even be about connection, it may be simply rest, for others it’s taking time for themselves or perhaps it’s about generosity and helping others in need.
Further to that, the end of the year is always a time of reflection but I want you to know you are enough as you are. Right now. You don’t have to do anything to be enough. You are already enough as you are, you are a part of this amazing world, you are here living and breathing. You are enough.
You get to decide you are enough. You can decide right now you are enough. Being enough is self belief, you determine that no one else but you. Think about this sentence, “If I believed I were enough, I would ______”.
I bet so much came up for you right? Start believing it! The only person who has the power to make you feel that you are enough is you, no one else!
The secret to being enough isn’t that you have to do something, to achieve something or to be a certain way truly it’s believing you are enough.
Not being physically with your family during Christmas
With the virus, it’s to be expected certain friends and family may not be around due to circumstances out of our control. Think about what is in your control? Your thoughts.
Turning to gratitude is always a saving grace. What can you be thankful for such as the family and friend who you are able to be there with physically. Can you be thankful that if they are alive, at least they are although it’s sad they can’t be there with you? If they aren’t here, can you be grateful for the memories you did share together?Can you do something in honour of people who are not present this year? My family put up a framed photo of my dad and leave him a plate of food.
Alternatively is there a way to connect with them without them physically being there whether that’s a phone call or through a video chat? Whilst these will never replace being physically there, it does help with missing them.
Be compassionate with yourself, it’s normal to miss people when we can’t be with them. What’s important is to be present and appreciative of the people that you can be with. After all some may be lonely out there without friends and family others grieving the loss of loved ones this year.
When it comes to loss, a holiday can sure amplify those feelings of loss or missing. Be sure to take care of yourself. To make time for yourself. I find journaling really helps to release your thoughts and feelings out of your head and body.
Dealing with crazy families
I think we can all attest to the fact we all have unique and different families. Families are made up different personalities and there’s always bound to be someone you deem crazy or hard to get along with.
The first point of call on this topic is to remember that you can only control yourself, your own behaviour and thoughts. You can’t control anyone else. Even what you think is reasonable may not reasonable for them just like their thoughts of reasonable may not be for you.
Most of the time, it’s only once a year you have to encounter these family members, so in the grand scheme of life that’s not too bad right? Can you be empathetic towards them, perhaps why they are acting the way they are? Can you tolerate it for one or two days of the year? 1 out of 365 thats such a tiny fraction of a percentage of your whole year.
Another thing to note. When it comes to ‘crazy’ families its important to remember you don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like you.If you don’t like everyone, why do you expect everyone should like you?
There is no rule that says you have to like your family. If you think it is, you are operating from your manual, your rule book. Connection is multifaceted. You may not like someone yet still love them or you may not like someone and not love someone. That’s okay!
Another tip for crazy families is to go into the situation prepared going back to what I spoke about earlier in the podcast about expectations. Accept that the day may not go perfectly and that’s okay. Accept that there may be tension or awkwardness. Be prepared with a coping mechanism, whether that’s taking a walk if someone annoys you or taking 5 deep breaths before responding as examples.
Additionally I think it’s important to note that whatever people say or do is a reflection of their world. It hasn’t got anything to do with you. It’s a reflection of their mind, their world, their manual.
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 07: Christmas Holiday Survival Guide close
Thank you for listening beautiful soul, I hope you found some useful insights for your Christmas Holiday. Merry Christmas and I hope you have a wonderful time.
If you’re anticipating struggling with Christmas or many emotions being evoked post Christmas, let’s chat because I’m here to support. We can discuss your individual scenario to have you better prepared for Christmas and post Christmas. I have limited 1:1 coaching spots still available, so please get in touch if you are interested. You are not alone and I can help you.
That’s it for this episode beautiful souls, I’ll chat to you next week for the last episode for the year where we will reflect on 2020!
[Episode 07 – Christmas Holiday Survival Guide: Ends]
Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.
-
06: Forgiveness
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS
Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness
This episode covers everything you need to know about forgiveness. What truly is forgiveness, how to forgive using one powerful and free tool you already have, whether anything and everything is forgivable, how to forgive yourself and conundrums and quarrels that come up when forgiving.
What you'll learn from this episode
- What truly is forgiveness
- Misconceptions about forgiveness
- How to forgive through practical tools and strategies
- The magic question to ask yourself why it’s difficult for you to forgive
- Why forgiving is important
- Practical example on forgiving (cheating in relationships and dating)
- Is everything and anything forgivable?
- Conundrums and quarrels when forgiving
- Why forgiveness might not even be a thing!
Key Quotes from this Episode
Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.
Phi DangWhen you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful.
Phi DangRight now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.
Phi DangFeatured Resources on the episode
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgiveness, Show Transcript
You are listening to episode 6: Forgiveness
[Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.
Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.
My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”
My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.
Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.
This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.
Ready to grow? Let’s grow!
[Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]
[Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Begins]
Hello hello beautiful soul, so happy you’re here! Another week, another new episode. How are you all feeling as it gets closer to Christmas? How fast has the year flown!? What a year it has been.
Today’s episode is all about forgiveness. Thank you to Bee who submitted his thoughts on what he wanted to see on the podcast on my instagram – if you too have something you’d love for me to speak about please get in touch via my DMs or on my website.
If you didn’t know I had an Instagram – yes I do, I share on my instagram daily inspiration and motivation to live your best life and a behind the scenes of my coaching – juicy insights from sessions with my clients and of course the amazing results my clients have.
I always get so excited to share this at it shows you what you can achieve when you work on yourself and when you invest in yourself.
What are the wins my clients have been having lately?
One of my clients absolutely aced her internship and was offered a job role after it! The real clincher? Her supervisors said what made her stand out was her mindset. Boom!
Another one of my clients has let go of a relationship despite her fears and past coming out. We really worked through past trauma from previous relationships that showed up.
Another client is a stunning model using her online platform after being bullied to help others and speak out against bullying – which is not okay at all.
Another beautiful soul is moving past her fears of being judged and imposter syndrome to showing up on her Instagram community of 80,000 and building her business empire.
So, so magical. I am so proud of them, there are many more wins but I could talk for a whole episode on that. If you’re interested in coaching, let’s chat as I would love to be here someday soon speaking about your wins!Segway into forgiveness
So back to forgiveness, Bee said that he wanted to know more about forgiveness that allows for growth but is stunned by conundrums or quarrels with friends, family and strangers.
So let’s dive into forgiveness. It’s a big topic. I want to flag in no way is forgiveness easy but it’s an important mental muscle to work on for your emotional health and wellbeing – more on that later in the podcast.
What is forgiveness?
There are many definitions but out of reading and researching several definitions, the main common thread between definitions is that forgiveness is a voluntary and internal process of letting go of negative feelings such as anger, resentment and bitterness and in turn the potential desire for revenge.
Let’s break it down: voluntary – you have to decide, no one else can for you and the internal process of letting go – yes you have to use your thoughts to get to the destination: letting go.
It’s a process – again it won’t just suddenly happen, you have to work through your thoughts and in turn your feelings to get there. Forgiveness is a journey to which you commit to.
Forgiveness is actually quite stealthy. Forgiveness happens when you’re sleeping, when you’re brushing your teeth, when you’re journaling, when you’re making a cup of tea, when you’re making lunch, when you’re working… it’s happening not only on a conscious level but on a subconscious level too.
Forgiveness isn’t easy or instant, like taking a pill or pushing a button. In fact forgiveness is like pushing a boulder up a hill – it will take work and it’s going to be hard. As Robert Muller says “Only the brave know how to forgive. A coward never forgives. It’s not in his nature.”
Addressing the potential desire for revenge: your thoughts create your feelings so when you work on letting go of these negative feelings, the actions you wanted to take previously also change.That’s it. Simple but our brains make forgiveness complicated.
Forgiveness is just as our earlier definition – a voluntary internals process of letting go of negative feelings. That’s all it is.Misconceptions about forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn’t mean anything else but our brains create thought stories that say otherwise.
- Forgiveness does not mean you forget what they did.
- Forgiveness does not justify what they did.
- Forgiveness does not mean you accept or condone what they did.
- Forgiveness does not excuse the harm done.
- Forgiveness does not mean that they were right and you were wrong.
- Forgiveness does not mean that you trust them again.
- Forgiveness does not mean that they are good person.
- Forgiveness does not restore your full faith and trust in that person.
- Forgiveness does not mean reconciling.
- Forgiveness does not mean that person will still be in your life.
All this other stuff is thoughts you are creating, stories you are creating.
Summing it up forgiveness is for YOU, no one else by you, As Louis B Smedes say “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
So how is forgiveness created?
It’s all through your thoughts because your thoughts create your reality. They impact how you feel and in turn what actions you take or do not take that lead to a result.
When you are in a position to be either thinking about forgiving someone, wanting to forgive someone or not forgiving someone you are in a state of negative thoughts and feelings right? Because if you weren’t feeling negative, you wouldn’t need to forgive someone.
When it comes to other humans things are bound to be emotional as we are emotional beings. For example if you trip over a rock, you wouldn’t even be asking the rock for forgiveness would you? But let’s change the scenario what if someone you knew accidentally tripped you over?
Given that your thoughts are linked to your feelings, I want to state the obvious.
Forgiveness isn’t created through holding onto your negative feelings.
When you feel angry and resentful towards someone, they don’t experience it as you do. In fact all they do is experience the result of your behaviour because you feel angry and resentful. Maybe you are giving them the silent treatment, ignoring them or maybe you are shouting at them and being short with them. Remember: resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Further on this, particularly on the feeling of resentment, it keeps you stuck in the past as you are constantly reliving the scenario, the thoughts and the feelings. Remember the past is a construct in your head, your mind and body doesn’t know. So when you keep reliving the thoughts and feelings, you are making your brain go through the experience over and over again. Right now in this moment, the past has no power over you unless you choose to let it. The events that happened in the past, are in the past. They are only present now, if you make it present.So how do you forgive someone?
It is important to have at the forefront of your mind the purpose of forgiveness. Ultimately forgiveness is for you. You not them. You. I mean, the person you are forgiving doesn’t even need to know you are forgiving them really, forgiveness is for YOU.
As established earlier the path to forgiveness starts with your thoughts.
Let’s go back to the definition of forgiveness, it is a voluntary process emphasis on that again voluntary process. Going back to episode 4 where I speak about mental fitness and taking your brain to the gym, think of forgiveness as an important muscle that is needed to keep your emotional self healthy and strong.
First question is to ask yourself why do you feel angry, why do you feel resentful. Remember everything in life is circumstances and its your thoughts the create reality. So whilst you can say they did this to me or didn’t do this… really it’s your thoughts about the situation which create your feelings and behaviour.So what thoughts are you having about why you feel angry and resentful. In order to forgive someone, you have to change your thoughts. So figure out why you feel the way you do. The number one question I like to get my clients to ask themselves is “so what?”. That’s the magic question to delve deeper into your thoughts and feelings.
Your ex cheated on you. So what? Now you feel like you’re not good enough and perhaps you are not good looking enough for them. Your thoughts are creating a story about someone else’s actions even though you can’t mind read! Since you can’t mind read, you are creating a story that you are self perpetuating. You will never truly know why someone does something but you are creating meaning through your thoughts.
Your friend gaslit you. So what? You don’t know what’s real and what’s not. You are in a state of shock and you can’t believe it happened to me. How did you let this happen? As a result of your thoughts on their behaviour, you feel like you don’t trust yourself and you don’t feel confident about the decisions you are making. You question yourself a lot.
Your business partner took all of your money. So what? Now you feel unstable and insecure. You don’t have enough money to buy that car you want and you may be struggling to pay for rent and groceries. You feel anxious and worried about money. Again the story here is it’s because your thoughts are blaming that person for taking all your money and putting you into negative feelings through feeling stressed about money.
Your dad abandoned you when you were 8. So what? You feel unlovable and unworthy, you feel that it is your fault that he left. Now you are older and wiser, have you ever had the thought that the way your dad is has nothing to do with you. Maybe he left because of his own fears of being a terrible dad. Maybe he left because he had a horrible gambling addiction and didn’t want you in the mix.
It’s all about being aware of how your thoughts are creating your feelings about this person. Your thoughts are making you suffer and feel wronged. If you think different thoughts, you will have a different outcome.Forgiveness scenario: Cheating in relationships and dating
Let’s take the cheating scenario as it is a common one and I have been cheated on through my own life experiences.
You can choose to have the thoughts oh this says something about me, I’m not loveable enough, I wasn’t a good partner, I am not good enough and blame your partner, they ruined your life and so forth. That makes you feel tired, angry, resentful, awful to be honest or you can choose to have the thoughts oh this says nothing about me and everything about them.The relationship has unfolded the way it was meant to, nothing lasts forever, this chapter is closed and I’m ready to move forward and have a partner who values commitment and loyalty. You don’t feel angry anymore. You don’t feel resentful anymore. No more bitterness. Initially it will likely be working through sadness and betrayal but then feeling so hopeful and excited to move forward with your life.
It’s all in the thoughts.
It can also help to seperate the actions from the person who did what they did. For example good people do bad things – it’s not black and white. We have all made mistakes or done things we aren’t proud of but that doesn’t mean we are bad people overall. In fact there are more good people who make mistakes and do “bad things” vs bad people overall.One thing to also keep in mind is hurt people, hurt people. There is often a reason as to why someone has done something.
The person that cheats on someone is because they feel lonely and insecure. It doesn’t make cheating right, but we can see why they did it and we are separating the action from the person.
The person that scams people out of money because they needed to feed their family and keep a roof over their head. Again, not right but we can see why they did it and have some empathy.
Empathy is a useful aid in forgiving someone. Can you put yourself in their shoes to understand why they did it? Can you image the other as an innocent child needing love and support? How would you like to be treated if you made a mistake?
One important thing to remember is that forgiveness is truly about your feelings and not your actions. You aren’t really forgiving someone if you are taking actions to say that you are for example saying “it’s okay now, I forgive you” and then you are still harbouring feelings of anger and resentment deep down inside. Telling someone you forgive them not akin to being forgiving unless its truly about the feeling.
Sometimes we don’t forgive someone because you want to hold onto anger and resentment, thinking that you are punishing them. Like I said earlier, no you holding onto the feelings of anger and resentment is like taking poison and waiting for them to die. The only person you are hurting is yourself. You are giving this person or people too much power over your life.
Not only that you can forgive and move on. Forgiving doesn’t automatically mean your feelings shift from anger and resentment to forgiveness and then it’s like nothing happened and you continue to see the person or interact with them. It’s your life and its your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with.Questions on forgiveness.
Is anything and everything forgivable?
The answer is yes because going back to the definition of forgiveness at the beginning of this episode it’s a voluntary process. You choose. You decide. There are instances of people forgiving those who have wronged them such as murdering a loved one or killing their family. It’s up to you.Another common theme that comes up with my coaching clients is what about if the person I am trying to forgive is myself?
It’s the same process as outlined earlier with they key being:
1) You are not your actions
2) Empathy for yourself – you are human. We all make mistakes. We have all done things we aren’t proud of. It’s a part of being human.Self forgiveness is hard as the mistakes you make often become attached to underlying beliefs you have. Your brain uses it as evidence for a self fulfilling prophecy. If your brain thinks your bad with money guess what? It’ll interpret every action you do with money as bad.
You could invest $2,000 in coaching to transform your life, get unstuck and move forward with your life but since you think you’re bad with money, your brain will weave a story that you’re bad with money – it’s not an investment, you’re just frivolously spending when you’re not.
Also ask yourself what does hating yourself and punishing yourself do? Not much. It would be more productive to take actions to improve and learn from the experience right?
That’s why it’s great to work with someone to delve deep into these beliefs you may not be aware of – it’s something I do often with my clients. Most of the time my clients aren’t conscious of it but when I listen, I guide them to piece all their jigsaw pieces together so they become aware of it.
Conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness.
Diving into Bee’s question, who initially asked what about conundrums and quarrels when it comes to forgiveness. What I can tell you is that you learn a lot about yourself and others when you disagree on something. Are you being constructive, coming from a place of love and understanding or is it destructive? Resorting to actions like shouting and criticising someone?
I want everyone to remember, not every one thinks like you. We live lives from our prospective, we are the frame of reference in the same way everyone else does to them. Other people have their frame of reference. You are the way you are because of your values, your family, your beliefs, the way you were raised, your life experiences – no one person has the exact identical experiences therefore we all see the world differently.
Whenever I get frustrated that people can’t see my point of view I remember that. For example I get frustrated when people don’t make the most out of life and they just stay in a rut and that’s because I experienced my dad passing away at a young age which made me realise life is fragile there is no guarantee. So I don’t like to waste my time, especially being stuck.
Before that YOLO (you only live once) was just a phrase to me and a concept I understood theoretically but until I truly experienced it through a life event – that’s when my perspective shifted.
So when someone is stuck, I can help them and I can say and do all these things but ultimately its up to that person to decide to get unstuck and to get help. Very much like my clients, I can guide them, give them the tools but ultimately they are the ones who will get themselves unstuck.
When you quarrel or argue without someone, ask yourself, what is my true intention here. Are you trying to get a message across to help or are you trying to be right? Is your ego inflating itself being like “I have to be right, I have to have the last say?”.
I would also ask yourself is the quarrelling worth it? Quarrelling can be very draining and toxic to your energy and you can also lose a relationship over it. Is what you are fighting about worth it? Ask yourself what is worth more to you, inner peace or being right?
I love these quotes to further reinforce my point. Firstly by Amit Kalantri, “Ultimately all kinds of fights end at forgiveness.” Secondly by Byron Katie, ““Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.”
Radical thought: Forgiveness does not need to exist
Speaking of Byron Katie, she is a is huge pioneer in the field of forgiveness.
In fact she says “Forgiveness is the discovery that what you thought happened, didn’t.”
This is a radical thought to drop in your mind.
In short what she is saying is that we create conditions for how life should be and unfold so when these conditions are broken by someone else we demand forgiveness.
Mind blowing but so true. Simple. There are no rules, there are no set ways to behave – we create this in our mind through our thoughts. Thoughts are truly so powerful.
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 06: Forgivness close
What a way to end this episode, a true journey on all things forgiveness. Summing it up forgiveness starts in your thoughts, your mindset.
Are you are you struggling with forgiving in your life whether it’s with others or yourself? Want help learning step by step how to change your thoughts? Change your thoughts and change your life.
I have limited 1:1 coaching spots left. With 2021 on the horizon, get help and improve your life now. Not in 2021. Now! Links in the show notes on how to contact me and work together.
Thank you so much for listening beautiful soul. The next two episodes of the podcast I’ve decided will be about our feelings towards Christmas and coping with the holiday season and of course reviewing and reflecting about your year as we gear up for a brand new year, 2021!
Wishing you inner peace always. Chat to you next Tuesday. Love and Positivity.
[Episode 06 – Forgiveness: Ends]
Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.
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05: River of Misery
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Episode Summary of The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 05: River of Misery
This episode is all about the river of misery. A deeply uncomfortable place between where you start and where you want to be. I talk about different scenarios where the river of misery happens such as in dating, relationships, ex partners, health, weight and fitness. I share practical tips on overcoming the river of misery too.
What you'll learn from this episode
(01:32) Why I am talking about the river of misery
(02:00) How you feel in the river of misery
(02:26) What is the river of misery?
(02:51) The pond of misery (ain’t just a river of misery!)
(03:43) Example of river of misery (e.g. dating a commitment phobe, someone who won’t commit to you, an ex partner)
(06:59) A willing river of misery, my battle with my weight and fitness
(09:47) My river of misery when I got myself got stuck (relationships related)
(12:40) Dealing with feelings of shame, embarrassment and disappointment
(13:23) Falling into old habits and ways of thinking
(13:42) The hardest part of being in the river of misery
(14:27) Truth bomb on the river of misery
(15:42) The brain and the river of misery
(17:39) Getting out of the river of miseryKey Quotes from this Episode
The river of misery won’t be comfortable or cruisy. I won’t lie to you, it’s called the river of misery for a reason.
Phi Dang TweetAre you willing to swim the river of misery and go through temporary discomfort and pain to get what you want?
Phi Dang TweetEven though I wasn’t in my ideal situation I was and am still loveable and so are you whatever scenario you are in. Lead with love not hate.
Phi Dang TweetFeatured Resources on the episode
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 05: River of Misery, Show Transcript
You are listening to episode 5: River of Misery.
[Introduction to the Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang plays – Background Music: upbeat, confident, rising beat]:Don’t just go through life, grow through it. Don’t just go through life, grow through it.
Hi and Welcome to the Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang.
My name is Phi and I am a Clarity and Confidence Life Coach known as the “The Positivity Queen.”
My passion is to help you go from stuck and self critical to courageous and empowered so you can conquer anything.
Join me, every Tuesday, as I discuss all things mindset, self love, energy and purpose.
This podcast won’t just inspire and motivate you, it will also provide practical tips and strategies you can implement in your daily life.
Ready to grow? Let’s grow!
[Grow Through It Podcast With Phi Dang End of Intro]
[Episode 05 – River of Misery: Begins]
Hi beautiful soul, are you feeling stuck and frustrated right now? Perhaps overwhelmed by everything going on in your life. If not, can you think back to a time when you were?
Why am I asking you these questions? Well this podcast episode is all about the river of misery. Oh yes, the river of misery.
When I first started to think about this episode I didn’t know where to begin or if I had enough material. Turns out I have a lot of information, practical examples and juicy insights to share so this episode may be on the longer side to manage your expectations.
The reason I’m talking to you about the river of misery today is that it continually pops up in my life coaching, when I talk to my clients and loved ones. At one point or the other whether they come to me as they are in the river of misery or experience it on the journey to making their goals and dreams happen, the river of misery is something we can all relate to at some point in our lives and it is not enjoyable.
When I think of the river of misery, I feel as if there is a lot going on against me and I feel overwhelmed. It feels like a river full of rapids coming at full force towards me and I’m struggling to stay afloat. The whole time I just feel just so damn uncomfortable. I feel tired and I just want it to end.
It’s a horrible place to be because you feel so frustrated, trapped and annoyed.
What is the river of misery?
The river of misery is place where you feel deeply uncomfortable and overwhelmed by everything that’s happening in your life.
How you end up in the river of misery may be by choice or not, but whether you continue to stay in the river of misery and end up stuck there… that’s a choice.
Let me run you by some scenarios of how this comes to be.
Pond of Misery
The pond of misery is well, safe. You know what to expect in the pond. Nothing drastic is happening, nothing is going to harm you. It’s not terribly uncomfortable like a river of misery but it’s unsatisfactory. Things could be better than being in the pond at all.
To get to where you want to be, now that’s a river of misery.
The river of misery involves being uncomfortable and doing hard things to get the result you want.
All these thoughts push against you going into this river for your safety, after all your brain has evolved to protect you. Your brain is always looking for danger.
“It is going be a lot of hard work”
“It is going to take a lot of investment. Time, energy, effort, money”
“What if I do all this stuff and it doesn’t work out, what if it is not worth it?”
“The pond is not that bad is it…? It’s not that bad… it’s not that bad you try to convince yourself.”
First type of river of misery and a river of misery scenario: Dating, relationships, ex partners
Let’s apply this example to a real life scenario such as getting stuck in and involved in an entanglement with someone you are seeing who won’t commit to being in a relationship with you or an ex partner even.
You’re not happy with the situation, this person you’re seeing is also dating other people and you’re probably fifth priority after their work, family, friends and other people they are dating.
I mean at least you get the occasional cuddle, probably the non strings attached intimacy (lets be real there are a lot of strings!!!), hey maybe they’ll even reply back to a text quickly once in a while.
It’s miserable to do a degree, but you’re some what used to it and familiar with it even though you are craving a fulfilling and committed relationship where you are a priority, when they make time for you, when you feel so loved and secure.
So in this pond of misery, no one is putting a gun to your head saying you have to keep seeing this person. Can you see the only person who got you in this pond of misery and is keeping you there is you?
So how do you get out of this pond of misery? Jumping into the river of misery to get to the other side: land.
The river of misery kicks it up a notch, you’re not dealing with a pond anymore, you’re dealing with a rapid river.
The river of misery for this scenario means letting go and cutting off the person you are dating. It means being alone for the time being. It means working on yourself and reflecting on how you got into this situation. Why you are in this situation. It means eventually having to start meeting people and going on dates again. It means opening up with new people as you date.
Your brain in this scenario starts panicking. This is hard! This is a lot of work! Let me go back to the pond! I wasn’t happy there but at least I was comfortable. I accepted it, I got used to it.
The river of misery won’t be comfortable or cruisy. I won’t lie to you, it’s called the river of misery for a reason. But what if you knew that going through the river of misery was worth it? That on the other side on the land, is a loving person who is ready to commit and have a beautiful relationship with you.
Are you willing to swim the river of misery and go through temporary discomfort and pain to get what you want? Like I mentioned in the previous episode number 4 on mental fitness and taking your brain to the gym, discomfort is the currency of your success just like working out at the gym to get fitter, leaner and stronger.
So back to the river of misery. It won’t last forever.
Eventually it gets easier as you get used to it. But in order to get to this place, you have to start in the deep end of the river of misery and swim towards land. You have to be willing to endure the river and to keep swimming until you get to the land. If you swim back to the pond, you’ll lose progress, battle the river and have to start again.
The brain likes security and comfort, that is how it’s hardwired. Can you reassure your brain that you are going through the river of misery for a purpose?
Can you put your purpose at the forefront of your mind? Can you feel and visualise how amazing it is going to be when you make your dreams come true?
My river of misery: health, fitness and weight
I’ve been in this type of river of misery lately.
My pond was being unhappy with my body and fitness levels.
To be completely transparent with you since COVID-19 hit, I stopped going to the gym 4 times a week where I used to weight train and do cardio based classes and now I don’t do any any exercise at all except walking and swimming.
I started eating a lot more because I was either bored or wanted comfort during hard times. I gained weight, in fact I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. And not it’s definitely muscle, it’s definitely fat I think.
Some of the clothes I own, I can no longer fit into or I have to really suck in my belly the whole time I’m wearing them – not fun and super uncomfortable.Sure, a quick fix is to buy bigger clothing sizes but that doesn’t address the core issue.
Addressing the core issue is working on my mindset and getting fit – jumping into the river of misery by choice. The land is being happy, healthy and fit. So what does this river involve?
Waking up earlier to do some exercise before work. Making time to do grocery shopping on the weekend so I can prepare healthy meals instead of turning to instant food or processed food I can reheat. I’m embarrassed to admit this to you but I always have cans of chicken noodle soup at home for when I am too busy to cook! Let’s not forget the frugal favourite Mi Goreng too – 2 minute noodles. Can you tell I really like noodles?
Anyway back to it. That in itself is a river of misery, adapting to changing tastes (because I wish salads tasted as good as instant noodles or frozen pizza for lunch especially on a really busy day when it’s so comforting).
There is a river of misery working on my mindset, why I can’t be happy now at my body is and why it has to be when certain criteria is met. This whole situation is a river of misery but its worth it knowing my end result, happy, healthy and fit!
The second type of river of misery: being stuck
Now there’s also another river of misery which is when you are just stuck because you are so miserable with how you are, your thoughts and the world around you.
I’ve seen this with my clients who are stuck in their past and finding it hard to get over someone because they thought they were the one. I’ve seen this in clients who think that they can’t be positive because they just have so many negative thoughts all the time and they think they are powerless to change it. I’ve seen this with my clients who continually compare themselves to other people and end up feeling insecure and jealous all the time.
My second type of river of misery: being single
I remember being in this type of river of misery because well I got myself there and I was keeping myself stuck (even though it took me a while to consciously and truly realise what I was doing!).
At one point in my life when I was single, I was so frustrated and sick of dating because nothing seemed to be working out for me. At the time I felt I just kept dating people who weren’t looking for a relationship time and time again. This really sucked for me. It was made harder by the fact I had been single for long stretches of time, years!
To get to the other side where I was happy dating and enjoying dating I needed to do the hard work to figure out why this was happening to me. After all the common denominator in all the scenarios was well… me!
It was easy to just blame anything and everything outside of me, to be honest.
“Oh there’s no good people to do date out there, they are all taken”
“Everyone is a commitment phobe these days, everyone always thinks that the grass is greener on the other side”
“It’s so hard to find a relationship these days”
“Are there any decent and respectful people out there dating anymore?”
Do you know what was hard, really hard?
Realising it wasn’t any of these things at all.
That in fact, it was in fact my thoughts.
That was a bitter pill to swallow but do you know what was even harder than this realisation?
Jumping into the river of misery.
Doing the work to get to a place where I was in a good mindset, enjoying dating and seeing it as a fun journey.
Doing the work meant confronting myself. Being honest with myself. Not pretending or saying the right things. Pure honesty.
What was I really looking for?
Why did I want a relationship?
Was I looking for love outside myself before being getting to be in love with who I was and who I am?
Did I know my worth? Did I actually think I was worthy of happy, loving and healthy relationship?
Why was I dating people who weren’t looking for a relationship?
Why was I choosing these people?
I had to start moving and swimming in the river of misery instead of just staying put in the same spot of the river of misery.
I had to be intentional with dating. I had to consciously vet out people who weren’t in alignment with what I wanted and who I wanted to be with no matter what. I had to stop settling for less then I deserved. I had to stop making excuses for people. I had to put myself out there and be vulnerable. I had to make an effort to go on dates again and get to know someone. I had to open up to people. I had to walk the walk and talk the talk.
At first moving in the river of misery was hard. I had admit things to myself that I didn’t want to because I was ashamed of myself, I was embarrassed about my situation, I felt disappointed in myself for making mistakes and being in this situation longer than I wanted to.
And it’s okay to feel this way, we are only human after all. Always be kind to yourself. Always do things out of love to yourself. Even though I wasn’t in my ideal situation I was and am still loveable and so are you whatever scenario you are in. Lead with love not hate.
I had to swim through those hard emotions. At times moving in the river meant I would go backwards and fall into old habits and ways of thinking. But that’s okay, you catch yourself or make a mistake and keep moving forward. Sometimes you drift backwards a bit and then make up for it and move even more towards the land.
The hardest part of the river of misery
One thing is for sure the hardest part is just getting started, once I got started doing the work it got easier. An analogy of this is that it’s hard to go on your first date after you haven’t been on one in a long time. Once you’ve got on that first date, going on more dates doesn’t seem as hard as that first date.
Another example is that it’s hard to get motivation to start going to the gym once you’ve had a long time off but it’s easier to add weights to your fitness routine or run a longer distance once you are already exercising.
A hard truth about the river of misery
Back to the river of misery in this scenario, I’m going to drop a truth bomb.
Do we stay stuck in the river of misery well because we enjoy being in misery?Hear me out. If you have been miserable for a while, misery starts to get comfortable. After all you are used to being miserable to the point where it becomes a part of your identity.
Poor me, I’m miserable. I’m miserable all the time. Misery is who I am.
When you’re in misery it gives your brain a reason as to why you are in misery. You can them blame all of the circumstances for causing your misery. Have you ever considered if you are a source of your misery? Have you ever tried to turn the focus from everything happening to you and turn it inward? What is happening inside you to keep the misery going on?
Can I offer you a radical thought? What if you chose to step away from the identity of being miserable. You radically actually chose to not be miserable. You choose to stop making excuses and blaming external factors and turn inwards. Take responsibility for your happiness, you aren’t stuck. Get out of the river of misery by swimming!
Getting out of the river will feel uncomfortable but it will be worth it.
Your brain and the river of misery
Remember, the brain likes to be efficient. It likes routines. It likes easy. So when you break routine, when you challenge ways of thinking your brain doesn’t like it. Your brain will probably say to you “Hey you know what, you don’t have to be uncomfortable if you just stay stuck. Stop wanting more or different. Let’s continue with this current way of thinking, after all you have thought like this for ages and let’s stay comfortable doing nothing different.”
Moreover your brain has confirmation bias, it wants to prove itself right. So if you keep on believing your thoughts keeping you stuck, your brain will continue to find evidence of your limiting beliefs and as a result you stay stuck.
Let’s add in the fact as mentioned earlier that your brain is trying to protect you from danger too and guess what? Doing new things, having new thoughts, new actions is perceived as dangerous to your primitive mind. The cave man mind. The cave man mind was always on alert, there was always threats around without modern technology and evolution!
You have to understand that if you want change, it means doing something different. Whatever you are doing right now is keeping you in the river of misery.
There is no circumstance which means you can’t get out of the river of misery, as I always tell me clients – you can always do something. If you can’t change whatever is happening, you CAN change your mind.
It means changing your thoughts intentionally. It means taking action. It means hard work. It means getting out of your comfort zone. Trust in yourself, you can do hard things. Do this for future you. Do it for you!
If you’re in a river of misery, you can get out of there. I promise you, you can.
Do the hard work and you get get out of there.
Struggling in the river of misery? Need Help?
If you’re struggling let’s chat, I’d love to connect with you this is what coaches do. A life coach helps you cross the river. A life coach shows you how you are stuck in a pond of misery. A life coach helps you master your thoughts to get across the river easier. A life coach will throw in the emergency buoy and help you.
I am a life coach and I can help you. I have helped many people from the river of misery to land. Now? They thrive and conquer anything including rivers of misery.
The Grow Through It Podcast with Phi Dang, 05: River of Misery close
Whatever you do, just keep swimming! You’ve got this.
I’ll see you in the river of misery and I’ll see you on the land!
Chat to you next Tuesday for the next episode of The Grow Through it Podcast with Phi Dang.
Thanks for listening, speak soon.
Love and Positivity.
[Episode 05 – River of Misery: Ends]
Are you wanting to find out more about 1:1 Coaching or working with me? Maybe perhaps you want to know more about me. I’d love to connect with you. You can visit my website phidang.com or connect with me on Instagram @thephidang. Speak to you soon.